Coffee is my friend!

 I didn't drink coffee until Katie came into the picture. I don't BLAME her (lol), but she certainly played a part in my need for caffeine as soon as my eyes open!
 Waking up at 6:30 and rushing to get 3 kids dressed and ready and out the door for school leaves me feeling like I woke up and was in the middle of a tornado! Seriously! Most nights I make Laura's lunch so I don't worry about it in the morning but lately I have been lazy and pushed it off for last minute. A mom can't ALWAYS be 100% on top of things. So this adds to my list of 'to do's' in the morning. I don't even need to mention how SLOW kids move in the morning if YOU wake them up. Funny how they seem as if they ate 5 doughnuts and washed it down with kool-aid when THEY WAKE THEMSELVES UP ON THE WEEKEND! Other wise, it's like trying to get a cow to skip along with you....not happening.
 Nicholas is by far the slowest. Maybe its a boy thing? Or a meanager....I mean teenager thing ;) It takes him TEN MINUTES....to put PANTS on! Yep. I timed him. At this age I have instilled enough responsibility in him that I just have to roll my eyes and say "you might need to go to bed earlier tonight" to get a response. Hey it works!
 I do understand....I don't exactly want to get up and get dressed right off the bat in the morning. I need 2 cups of coffee before I can even open my eyes!!! ;) But come on kids....MOVE IT!!! Mama has some cleaning to do!! (as though I'm thrilled to do it? No. I'm just thrilled to do it without breaking up fights, handing out snacks, fixing toys, getting out the bandaids, and yelling "stop looking at your sister!"). Don't act like you haven't had to yell it. HA! I've had to yell things that sound RIDICULOUS at times.
 So....each morning coffee is my friend. This coffee is a much nicer wake up call than my 4 children whining right off the bat. How these little angels can sleep from 7:30pm to 6:30am and wake up whining is beyond me.
 Going to bed early is not always an option for me. My parent friends know that we don't get much time with our spouse's during the day. Between dinner, homework, baths, story time, teeth brushing, Nick and I seem to get a few words in to each other. Mostly through looks at each other. Kids seem to know that when we are busy its the BEST time for them to be NOISY!!!! ;) Other than that, we only have a few hours at night when the kids are all tuckered out and before we collapse in a sleep coma ourselves, for adult time. We have been going all day long (coffee helping of course!) doing all these household and family chores and duties....we just want these 3 hours to ourselves. This is hard at times.
 We have been married for going on 7 YEARS (wow!!) and we have realized that we have to balance not only attention we give to kids, but attention we give to each other and ourselves. This is hard sometimes. I want to get online and blog, or read blogs, catch up with friends and family, and he might want to watch a movie with me. It's the opposite way at times too. We try hard to balance it.....but like I said.....with only 3 or 4 (at best) hours to spare each day for what we want to do is hard.
 Coffee becomes my friend in the afternoon too......it helps me stay up a little longer at night so I can do what I want AND hang out with Nick and focus on our relationship. :)
 This is a habit I need to break though....the coffee....not spending time with Nick lol! I need to watch what I am putting in my body....coffee is not good for you and we all know that. But some things can be good AND bad for you....

For now....coffee is good and is my friend :)

Is it bedtime yet!?!?!?

 Today was a hard day for me. I've been having lots of those lately, for some reason. Well I know the reasons.
 I've just been feeling overwhelmed, and stressed (and still having this sinus infection is awful!). Ha, I ONLY have 4 kids, what ever would I be overwhelmed and stressed over?! ;) I swear it's as if all 4 kids NEED something SOOOO important all at the same time, everyday. Katie get tired from being up early for school, and some days refusing a nap.....so she (like me) is crabby and just restless, which leads to a lot of whining. Laura is tired too, and she ends up being that sister that tries to annoy her brothers and sister. Nicholas, is getting older now.....and we all know what that means...MORE ATTITUDE! He hates homework (which I understand completely) but I am feeling exhausted with trying hard daily to motivate him. William is 9 months old and requires lots of attention.
 I love my kids. I forever will. But I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm just exhausted.
 Today we went to walmart to pick up some things we needed. I always feel hot in that store.....maybe its all the people there or just my anxiety when I have all the kids and there are so many people in such small aisles. Don't you just hate some aisles in stores?! Well there were lots of people in walmart today (why'd we pick SATURDAY of all days to go? Isn't everyone and their brother at walmart on Saturday?!) and it always feels like nobody is polite, nobody wants to get our of the way....and yet I constantly feel in the way and find myself saying "excuse me, I'm so sorry, let me just grab this item real quick and I will be out of your way, oops I'm sorry I didn't see you there...I will just scoot over this way a bit. I RARELY run into people with the same manners. (Thank you mom for instilling such wonderful manners in me!) It bugs me because having 3 or 4 kids with me out at the store is hard enough. Now I have to worry about finding my way through the store without being in other people's way, and I'm not getting that same respect back. Is it just like that in Redding? I swear it wasn't like that in Arizona. At least not that I remember.
 Anyways, while there Laura and Katie are just done with being out and as typical children do...start touching everything, asking for everything, annoying each other, annoying ME!! William was tired and past his nap time. I wasn't feeling good from my sinus infection (STILL). It was just everything. I honestly recall thinking "what would happen if I just sat down in this aisle and cried?!"  Obviously I would never do that, but I sure thought about it! ;)
 We got out of there with no big fits or meltdowns (except the ones in my head!! LOL) and went straight home fore nap time!
 It's nice to go out sometimes, but I feel like when you bring so many kids to the store, it is more work than enjoyment sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way...
 The past week has really made me miss my mom and appreciate her so much more than I ever had. She was a great mom to me and my brothers growing up and as a kid you dont see all that a parent does and goes through. Well thank you mom for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! It sure is hard work being a mom, and you have always been a wonderful mom! I'm sorry if I ever made you feel how I felt today LOL!
 I'm trying hard to be the best mom I can be everyday.....but there are days like today, that I thank God for bedtime (and CHOCOLATE!!)!!!

:)

William is 9 months old today!

 9 months has gone by so quickly. With each child I have, I realize just how fast time really does go by.
 In the beginning I always find myself saying "hurry up and be 4 months old already!!", one because newborns mostly never sleep well, and two because I worry about my babies getting sick.
 William had a rough start at life. At 19 days old he ended up with pneumonia. It shook Nick and me to the core. He was in and out of the hospital and just plain miserable. My poor boy. :(
 Those weeks when he was sick felt like years. All we could do was hold our newborn to our chest and pray he would be ok. I never prayed so much in my life! 
 William is now a happy healthy boy! I can't even believe I am saying he is 9 months old now!! How did that happen? Each month that passes, I feel my heart break a little. He is my last baby, and it feels like he is growing up faster than any of my babies have. Why does it have to feel like that?! I want him to stay THIS age forever. He is learning so much and smiling nonstop (except during diaper changes!), he makes us all laugh daily, and feel blessed to have him in our life.
 In 3 months I will be telling my precious boy "Happy 1st Birthday!" I am excited yet sad at the same time. This will be the last FIRST birthday I will ever give one of my babies. It will be a very special day in our home....I will make sure of that.
 While William is the last piece of our family's puzzle, I still feel sad sometimes knowing I will not have anymore babies.....ever. I think every woman that gets her tubes tied feels like this at some point. This just means I will cherish every moment with my kids, that much more.
 So, happy 9 months William!!! My heart is so full of love for you! You have been such an amazing and loving baby. We are so so so lucky to have YOU as our son!  

I'm finding myself more and more each day....

 I think people can lose themselves in anything. Being a mom, working, school, friends.....anything.
 I lost myself in being a mother. Saying that makes me feel bad but its the truth. I've been in such a whirlwind of babies, toys, cleaning, cooking, owies, diapers, homework, playing....the mommy stuff, that I ended up just being....mom.
 Yes, I absolutely adore being a stay at home mom. My children are the most special people in my life. But don't we need to be ourselves too? Don't we need to have opinions, feelings, stories, and hobbies? YES! At least I think we do.
 Through the 8 years I've been a stay at home mom, I've tried going back to the hobbies I once loved. Painting, reading, working out, gardening, to name a few. But they just felt different. So forced feeling. So I've come back to writing. It's helping me to find myself again. I love that.
 I am not completely lost, or completely changed. Just different. I'm digging my way out of all the diapers, temper tantrums, and sippy cups to finally see that I'm still here under the 20 pounds of baby weight still left. Yes I'm trying to do something about that. Admitting I have a problem is the first step right?! ;)
 I am seeing my old self more and more these days. Like when my husband and I sit and watch a movie and I laugh about things that I forgot were funny. It's possible to do that you know? Or when I tell Nick about something OTHER than the kids or the house, and he is interested in what I'm saying.
 Play dates, writing and one on one time with my husband are the things that make me feel like I'm still me. I am more than a mother. I am PROUD to be a mother. Proud of all the hard work I do....but I'm me too. Hi! I'm Kristin! ;)
 I have opinions, and thoughts that go beyond my children, or laundry.
 I have a lot of people that ask me how my kids are. I get it. We are moms and truthfully kids are what is on our minds most of the time. But I'm here too. Ask me about me. I have some close friends an family that ask me about ME....and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
 Our lives get wrapped up in work, kids, and stress a lot of times. I know you all can relate....don't try to hide it ;) I'm trying to break that. My kids, husband and running a peaceful, happy home is what is my top priority. It will always be, I'm just starting to remember myself now. I like me and I feel like I'm learning all about me all over again. Maybe it's me getting older. I will be 27 next month and I am so excited to get older. When I was 20 I thought I had it all figured out, was set in my opinions, and things would never be stressful! Boy was I wrong!!! I'm wiser now, and can really say to myself...."Hi, nice to meet you.....you are funny and smart, and it's ok for your opinions to be different than before". I think we all learn as we go.....and we all get lost sometimes. We just have to remember to find ourselves.
 I'm seeing myself in the mirror and really seeing me. Just me. I kind of like this girl.

Confessions of a full time stay at home mom.

 I confess....I am not always happy every minute of every day. I am not always smiling, and excited to clean. I don't like cleaning. I never have. Does anyone?????!!!!!!
 I confess....A lot of days I get frustrated when thinking about what to make for dinner.....shoot, that goes for breakfast and lunch too!
 I confess....I don't think every day is full of fun and excitement. Some days I am bored and would love to get a job. I cook, clean, fix, organize, shuttle kids to and from bus stops and school...well you all know. I do the same things you all do! AND IT'S TIRING!!!!!!!!
 I confess....I take a little longer to do my makeup sometimes, just to get one or two minutes more to myself. Most times both of my daughters come in and sit with me and watch me. I enjoy those moments too.
 I confess....I tip toe around my house when William and Katie are napping, just to make sure I don't wake them up. It's nice to get cleaning and cooking done without kids under my feet.....and this is the best time to sneak in some chocolate!!!
 I confess....I lie to my kids sometimes. Look, I'm a mom of 4 kids that have nonstop questions, nonstop wants, nonstop needs. When we go into target and my kids ask for a toy, soda, candy....anything.....sometimes I say "oh, nope....it says right here that you can't buy this until 2 weeks from now". I feel no guilt. A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do!
 I confess....when I see a mom with one child I think to myself "oh my gosh....I remember those easy days". I chose to have my children, but that doesn't mean they are ALWAYS easy.
 I confess....I am more pessimistic than optimistic. I've always been this way. I've fought it all my life.
 I confess....when other people's children have fits in the store, I secretly thank god that its not my child.
 I confess....I think people look at me like I am crazy for having 4 kids. I always think of the saying "You think I have my hands full? You should see my heart". I remember walking around with Nicholas when he was 3 years old. I was 18 and a full on mommy. People gave me strange looks....you should see them now. I'm 26 with a 12 year old. The looks haven't changed. It used to bother me. But I've learned that people are curious....yes, some people are judging me. I don't care.
 I confess....with all of my children....I couldn't wait for them to sleep through the night. Even to this day, I pray they keep doing it lol!!!!
 I confess....moving to California has been hard for me. Sometimes I regret leaving my family. Especially my mom....
 I confess....I was left very angry after having my son William. I ended up with a spinal headache when the anesthesiologist went to far with the epidural. I couldn't hold or nurse my baby for the first few days. I had a plan. I wanted things to go a certain way after having him. Knowing he'd be my last baby, I wanted this to be an extra special time for me and Nick. I had to go through 3 blood patches to fix the spinal headache leaving me in terrible pain. This was so emotionally hard for me. I'm not over this. In the least.
 I confess....I make excuses sometimes so I don't have to workout. It's not something I am proud of!
 I confess....I know there are things I can do to be a better mom....I strive everyday to be a great mom for my children.

 I could go on.....and on ;) We all have confessions, and most of them we can all relate to. As a mother of 4, I have changed so much, and so have my confessions. When I was a first time mom I was so nervous and unsure of myself. I've learned to trust myself and go with the flow more. I'm not perfect...as we can see from my confessions, but I am me. I am true to my pessimistic self, and learning to love all of my flaws along the way.

GET THE SANITIZER!!

 With three kids in school this year, I am just cringing at the thought of all the cooties they are bringing into the house. I make them all put hand sanitizer on their hands as soon as they walk through the front door after school, but I swear I can just see the germs waiting to jump onto William!
 We take Katie to school each morning, and it feels like almost every day that I bring her, I can spot a few children that NEED to be at home, in jammies, with the puke bucket near by. It's frustrating for me. It's no fun having a sick baby....and we all know it ALWAYS makes its way to the BABY.
 I know that some people have to take their child to school, because of their job....but it doesn't make it any less frustrating to me. For several reasons. Number one being that I'm sure my kid will probably be the one that wants to be best buds with the sick kid that day. It's just my luck ;) So He or she will get it, bring it home for my baby, then the other kids and of course....me. Somehow I can never dodge the cooties! And if you know me, you know how often I disinfect, sanitize, wash, boil and scrub everything lol!!
 It makes me frustrated also, because I know that poor kid would rather be at home on the couch watching cartoons with mommy or daddy. I know when my kiddos are sick, they are down for the count.
 I can't judge....I know that no mother WANTS to send her sick child to school and go off to work. I know some parents have no choice. It just makes me sad for the child....and frustrated to know that cold is coming after me!!!
 I need to stock up on more sanitizer. It's been almost 3 weeks of school and already Katie, William and myself have been sick. The rest of the school year has just GOT to be better for me and my crew!
 So mama's.....if you have kiddos in school, you might want to put a bubble around them....and yourself. I at least can't think of any other ways to keep the cooties away!

What WOULDN'T you do for your children?!

 Today I bought myself a new book. It's the book called "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Dugard.
 It's about the little girl that was kidnapped and pretty much held captive for 18 years. Rapped year after year by this monster that abducted her.
 I've only gotten about 40 pages in so far. It's amazing how much emotion a single book can bring out in a person. In only 40 pages, I have felt angry, sad, and everything in between.
 This book has made me think about my own children. Specifically my girls. Not doubting that this very story can, and has happened to little boys, but since it's about a girl, it's made me think mostly of my daughters.
 To think of anything bad happening to ANY of my children makes me physically ill.
 Tonight I asked myself....what WOULDN'T I do for my children?
 Nothing.
 I'd do anything in this world to keep my babies safe. To keep their lives normal, full of love, and not broken. 
 This little girl had her life literally stolen from her. It brings such saddness to my heart to even think about. I do want to finish the book, as hard as it is to read. I want to read about the end when she is free. When she gets her life back.
 This book has made me want to go wake my children up, one after the other....just to kiss them again. I am doing my best to protect all of my children, without sheltering them so much that they are afraid to live their own lives. This is hard as a mother. It's hard to find that balance sometimes.
 Nicholas is going to be 12 next month, and everytime he leaves on his bike I worry. I think I always will.
So far the book is a good read (hard emotionally), and I am so happy to know that there is a good ending awaiting me.