There have been many times in my life when I would have to take a step back and evaluate certain situations, people, and goals. We all do it. We get to a point sometimes, when you feel that something just isn't right. Maybe there are people in your life that aren't in your life for the right reasons. Maybe you feel like the path you are walking, needs to turn a bit.
The past year has been big for me. I will be 29 on Saturday (October 19), and I can't tell you how many times I've had to reevaluate things in my life. I've learned this year to have a back bone. My life is about me, my husband and our children. I've had to step back and see things from the outside a bit.
My father for instance.....what was the point of having him in my life at all the past year? I'm not sure. I do believe everything happens for a reason, and one day in my life, or maybe when my days are over, I will understand why HE was any part of my life for any amount of time. Right now I don't understand, and I'm ok with that.
He more than anyone, has taught me to really stand up for what I believe in, WHO I believe in, and to make myself happy. It hasn't been easy to go through the steps for me to get to this point. Hurting feelings, telling truths, and walking my own path, may hurt some in the process.....but we all lead our own lives. I walk this one for me and my family.
I see myself as an honest, and caring person. I so badly want to bring joy to others around me. To make other's smile. I want to inspire others to be more caring. I do this daily, smiling at strangers in the store, helping when I can, lending a hug to another mom at the girls school, when I can see she needs it most.
But I'm human. I have feelings too. I should be able to voice my opinion, say it how it is sometimes, and get angry.
I have learned this year that it's OK for me to feel the way I feel about certain things. I'm the type of person that wants to fix everything. I want to apologize when I shouldn't have to, and I want to make it all better for everyone. I want to back track when I've said how I REALLY feel, and I want to look over things that truly bother me. This year however.....I've learned to STOP doing that.
I'm not the queen of fixing everything. I can't make things perfect for everyone, and you know what........I'm not saying sorry EVER, for how I feel about anything. I am entitled to my opinions and feelings, and if it upsets you in the meantime.....then maybe it's you that has some reevaluating to do. :/
My point is......each year I've learned more about life, but most importantly, more about myself. I like me. I feel like I am happy in my skin and in my mind. This year has been a big learning experience for me. It's been a bumpy road.....but I've grown from every single bump.
I'm believe that we all have a voice for a reason. To stand up for something that is bigger than ourselves, and to make sure how YOU feel, is heard. Sometimes it is hard to change things in your life, but change, no matter how scary.....is always good.
<3
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS!!
Tonight I sit here next to you Nicholas, and you are now 14 years old. I'm not sure how the time has gone so quickly, but it has. I just looked at you a few minutes ago and said "how was your birthday?" and you smiled the same smile you had when you were 3, and said "it was really good, thanks for everything mom". When you are a parent, you are going to realize how much what you just said means.
I look back tonight at all of the years that we've spent together. All the ups and downs. The stress, and excitement. Parenthood, as I've told you many times before, is hard, but worth every minute.
When I became your mom, I knew the road would have some bumps in it. I was right. The bumps have taught both of us, how much we mean to each other. How much we both need each other. You are my oldest son, and I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You are such a big part of our family. Your brother and sisters look up to you so much. They think you are the most amazing person ever, and believe everything you say.
Thank you for helping me with your siblings. For seeing me stressed out, and asking "is there anything I can do to help?". For feeling comfortable enough to ask me about anything, and for trusting me enough to talk to me about things that are sometimes hard for teens to talk to their parents about. Thank you for always introducing me to your friends as "Mom".
Thank you for always making me laugh, for saying "I love you" every single day, and for letting me guide you in this world. Thank you for giving me attitude, because we all know damn well, that teenagers only give this type of attitude to MOM. As much as I hate eye rolls....I can't help but feel grateful that you see me as your only mom.
You have been through more than any 14 year old should go through, as far as your birth mother is concerned. I need you to know that everything happens for a reason, and to be perfectly honest....her loss is my absolute gain. I am proud to call you my son. I'm proud to stand by you every day. I'm even proud to walk into your school when the principal calls me in, because even if you are getting yourself into trouble....I know you are always there waiting for ME to walk through those doors. You know that you can count on me. I hope you always remember that.
Right now you are going through such a hard time, because being 14 isn't easy. Especially now. You are trying to fly on your own, and you are learning that every choice you make has a consequence. You are learning at your own pace, and that's ok. You remind me every single day, that you are growing into a smart, honest, trustworthy, respectful young man.
I only see great things for you. You are such a happy, funny, kind boy and I hope you always keep those traits. Remember that life is supposed to be a wonderful adventure. You will learn so much more in your life, and I can't wait to hear about it all during our nightly kitchen talks.
I love you son. Happy Birthday!
Love always,
Mom
<3
Let's take a look back at the past 14 years.
I look back tonight at all of the years that we've spent together. All the ups and downs. The stress, and excitement. Parenthood, as I've told you many times before, is hard, but worth every minute.
When I became your mom, I knew the road would have some bumps in it. I was right. The bumps have taught both of us, how much we mean to each other. How much we both need each other. You are my oldest son, and I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You are such a big part of our family. Your brother and sisters look up to you so much. They think you are the most amazing person ever, and believe everything you say.
Thank you for helping me with your siblings. For seeing me stressed out, and asking "is there anything I can do to help?". For feeling comfortable enough to ask me about anything, and for trusting me enough to talk to me about things that are sometimes hard for teens to talk to their parents about. Thank you for always introducing me to your friends as "Mom".
Thank you for always making me laugh, for saying "I love you" every single day, and for letting me guide you in this world. Thank you for giving me attitude, because we all know damn well, that teenagers only give this type of attitude to MOM. As much as I hate eye rolls....I can't help but feel grateful that you see me as your only mom.
You have been through more than any 14 year old should go through, as far as your birth mother is concerned. I need you to know that everything happens for a reason, and to be perfectly honest....her loss is my absolute gain. I am proud to call you my son. I'm proud to stand by you every day. I'm even proud to walk into your school when the principal calls me in, because even if you are getting yourself into trouble....I know you are always there waiting for ME to walk through those doors. You know that you can count on me. I hope you always remember that.
Right now you are going through such a hard time, because being 14 isn't easy. Especially now. You are trying to fly on your own, and you are learning that every choice you make has a consequence. You are learning at your own pace, and that's ok. You remind me every single day, that you are growing into a smart, honest, trustworthy, respectful young man.
I only see great things for you. You are such a happy, funny, kind boy and I hope you always keep those traits. Remember that life is supposed to be a wonderful adventure. You will learn so much more in your life, and I can't wait to hear about it all during our nightly kitchen talks.
I love you son. Happy Birthday!
Love always,
Mom
<3
Happy Birthday Nicholas!
Love, Mom
Monday, September 30, 2013
Happy 5th Birthday Katie!!!
Each year that passes, I am astounded with how quickly the past year has gone. Katie, you have grown with leaps and bounds this year. Not only have you become more independent, but you've become more outgoing. You are blossoming into this amazing little girl that truly puts a smile not only on my face, but in my heart.
I love to write these letters to you every single year, on your birthday, but I often wonder if you will get sick of hearing about the line on your nose that I MUST mention, in each letter. You will understand when you have a baby of your own, and he or she has a sweet little birth mark. You will then see how special it is to you. The first thing I noticed when the doctor put you in my arms for the first time, after I said "IT'S A GIRL!", was your precious lips and the perfect little line on the tip of your nose. You still have it, and I make sure of it often. I don't think anyone else notices this little line, but I do. I see it all the time, when you laugh or are telling me a serious story about your day. That little line represents innocence. It reminds me of the tiny little baby you once were.....and shows me how much you are growing now. I hope you always let me kiss that little line on your nose....even if you do think I'm the weirdest mom ever, for wanting to kiss you nose in the first place! ;)
Today when you were at school, I was remembering all these little memories with you. You were such an amazing baby. You were happy all the time, just smiling away. We could tell you were very unique from the moment you came into the world with a sneeze, instead of a cry. No....I'm never going to let you forget that either!
I remember your first Christmas.....you slept in. We were all so excited, and awake at 6am! We couldn't wait to open presents, but in your unique Katie fashion....you were fine with waiting until 10am! You do stuff like this often. You've always known when you needed quiet time to yourself. You are the only child I've ever known that tells me "I want to play alone so I can rest"......I admire that about you. You know what you need, and want, and you aren't afraid to ask for it. I hope that never changes. Don't ever be afraid to stand up for what you want, and to go after what you need!
You have been an amazing little AND big sister. You make my heart literally glow, when I see you being so motherly to William. It's so natural to you. You want to make everyone happy. You will share everything, give everyone your favorite toys, just to make them smile, and even at times, take blame for something you never did.....just so you can keep the peace. You are a wise little soul....but I want you to remember that you can't make everyone happy all the time. It's ok to be selfish sometimes, and take the good toy. ;)
You are in kindergarten now and making me more and more proud! You are learning to read sight words, and LOVE IT! I love that you adore reading, and I hope you always want me to cuddle with you to tell you a bed time story. You are learning so much right now and each day when you come home from school, you can't wait to share all your new knowledge with me......please don't ever stop doing that!
You have taught me so much in the past 5 years Katie. You've taught me to stay true to my heart. To remember that people are all different, yet special and unique in our own ways....and that is GREAT! You've taught me to slow down.....to leave the cleaning, and play barbies instead. You've taught me that asking questions about everything possible, is the best way to learn. You've taught me that as your mother, I am beyond blessed to have you and your brother's and sister, as my babies.
Katie, thank you for always being the sweet, cheerful girl that brightens every single day. For the huge hugs in the mornings, afternoons, and nights, and for always finding a positive in any situation.
I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday!
Love, Mommy.
<3
Let's look back at the last 5 years!!
You in mommy's belly.
I love to write these letters to you every single year, on your birthday, but I often wonder if you will get sick of hearing about the line on your nose that I MUST mention, in each letter. You will understand when you have a baby of your own, and he or she has a sweet little birth mark. You will then see how special it is to you. The first thing I noticed when the doctor put you in my arms for the first time, after I said "IT'S A GIRL!", was your precious lips and the perfect little line on the tip of your nose. You still have it, and I make sure of it often. I don't think anyone else notices this little line, but I do. I see it all the time, when you laugh or are telling me a serious story about your day. That little line represents innocence. It reminds me of the tiny little baby you once were.....and shows me how much you are growing now. I hope you always let me kiss that little line on your nose....even if you do think I'm the weirdest mom ever, for wanting to kiss you nose in the first place! ;)
Today when you were at school, I was remembering all these little memories with you. You were such an amazing baby. You were happy all the time, just smiling away. We could tell you were very unique from the moment you came into the world with a sneeze, instead of a cry. No....I'm never going to let you forget that either!
I remember your first Christmas.....you slept in. We were all so excited, and awake at 6am! We couldn't wait to open presents, but in your unique Katie fashion....you were fine with waiting until 10am! You do stuff like this often. You've always known when you needed quiet time to yourself. You are the only child I've ever known that tells me "I want to play alone so I can rest"......I admire that about you. You know what you need, and want, and you aren't afraid to ask for it. I hope that never changes. Don't ever be afraid to stand up for what you want, and to go after what you need!
You have been an amazing little AND big sister. You make my heart literally glow, when I see you being so motherly to William. It's so natural to you. You want to make everyone happy. You will share everything, give everyone your favorite toys, just to make them smile, and even at times, take blame for something you never did.....just so you can keep the peace. You are a wise little soul....but I want you to remember that you can't make everyone happy all the time. It's ok to be selfish sometimes, and take the good toy. ;)
You are in kindergarten now and making me more and more proud! You are learning to read sight words, and LOVE IT! I love that you adore reading, and I hope you always want me to cuddle with you to tell you a bed time story. You are learning so much right now and each day when you come home from school, you can't wait to share all your new knowledge with me......please don't ever stop doing that!
You have taught me so much in the past 5 years Katie. You've taught me to stay true to my heart. To remember that people are all different, yet special and unique in our own ways....and that is GREAT! You've taught me to slow down.....to leave the cleaning, and play barbies instead. You've taught me that asking questions about everything possible, is the best way to learn. You've taught me that as your mother, I am beyond blessed to have you and your brother's and sister, as my babies.
Katie, thank you for always being the sweet, cheerful girl that brightens every single day. For the huge hugs in the mornings, afternoons, and nights, and for always finding a positive in any situation.
I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday!
Love, Mommy.
<3
Let's look back at the last 5 years!!
You in mommy's belly.
Just born! One of the first pictures taken of you.
Two weeks old. So beautiful.
Your FIRST birthday!!
Your SECOND birthday!!
Your THIRD birthday!!
Your FOURTH birthday!!
Your FIFTH BIRTHDAY!!!!
I love you Katelee. Love Mommy.
Friday, September 13, 2013
We lost a part of our family.
On Wednesday September 11th, around 3am, we lost someone dear to us. Our family dog, Lacey.
Saying that, makes the frog in my throat grow two sizes.
I knew Lacey was not feeling well Tuesday (the day before she past away). She is an old dog (12), and was having some problems. I found her sleeping in the fort that William and I made that day, several times. I also saw her panting at night.....and I had never seen her do that. I knew she was obviously in some pain, so I told Nick that we needed to bring her to the vet in the morning.
Before bed Nick let her out to go pee, but she wouldn't go down our back porch steps.....so Nick carried her down to the grass for her. I guess he knew something was up, because when he brought her back in, I found him sitting with her in his lap, just giving lots of love. I sat across from them, and was a little surprised that she didn't immediately walk over to sit on me. She has been my dog for so long now, that she has become pretty attached to me. If I leave the house for a minute, or for several hours, she will sit by the door waiting for me to come home. She was extremely loyal to me. So when she didn't come to me even after I said "come her baby", I knew she must really be feeling sick or something. Every night before bed, Lacey gets a drink of water. It's something she has done every night for countless years. I noticed she wasn't walking so I carried her to her bowl and she turned away from it. Ugh.....yep....she didn't feel good.
I let her sleep with me that night. I wanted to cuddle her, and make her feel less pain. In the middle of the night she walked up from my feet, and sat on my arm. I know this sounds like something all dogs would do if they are in your bed, but Lacey has slept in my bed MANY times, and has never ever woken me up or sat on me like that.
I woke up and said "Oh Lacey"....I was still half asleep, so I kissed her, pet her and figured she must want off the bed, so I put her on the floor, and went to bed.
At 4:30am, my alarm went off so I could get up for the gym. I was in the bathroom getting ready when I hear Nick say "Hunny, I don't think Lacey is breathing"
Immediately I knew he was right......but I wouldn't believe it for a second. I rushed to her side, and tried to wake her up. I said her name countless times, pet her.....but she wasn't waking up.
I sat crying, in disbelief. Nick held me and I stayed there crying until 7am when I had to get my kids ready for school. Nicholas was about to leave for the bus, and since I knew we would be taking her to be cremated, I wanted to give him the chance to say goodbye to her. It was so hard to tell him that Lacey had just died. He sat next to me....both of us in tears, with his arm around me. It was so hard to see him so upset. I am glad I gave him a chance to say goodbye though.
I got my kids to school, and Nick made arrangements for Lacey to be cremated. I called my mom and sat in the school parking lot crying for a while. I felt like I had just lost a family member.
We took Lacey to be cremated at a beautiful place nearby. I had a seriously hard time carrying her into that place, but I wanted to be the one to let her go. I had to. I owed it to her, to be the last one to hold her.
Saying goodbye was hard for me. Lacey has been through EVERYTHING with me. My mom got her when I was just 17 years old, and I got to take her to my house when I was 20. She has been here through all of my pregnancies, watched all of our babies come into this world, she has watched me walk around this house frustrated and ranting about anything and everything, and stuck by my side for every minute of it. She has cuddled with all of us when we needed it most, followed us down the street while we played as a family, because she certainly didn't see herself as a dog, but as a part of our family. She has seen me at my most happy and my most sad moments, and has been here every time I needed someone to talk to. She has barked her heart out, to anyone that enters our house, just to have them greet her as well. She has formed the most beautiful and trustworthy bonds with each of my kids. She has, even on the days where her legs hurt so bad to walk, followed my every move, just to be with me and let me know I had her there for me....always.
She wasn't just a dog to me. She was my family. She was a part of my heart, and I am having a hard time letting her go.
Telling my kids that she had died, was some of the hardest words I had ever spoken to them. Lacey has been here with us since before they were born, so they don't know a life without her. They have all created a seriously deep bond with her, so losing her was one of the worst things that has ever happened to them.
Nicholas and Laura are doing well now. They had a hard time that first day, but now are dealing with it a bit better. William just doesn't understand.....he thinks the dog doctors are just fixing her and hasn't realized that she wont come back. Katie on the other hand is having the hardest time. She is sad, and angry. She has been acting out the past couple days, just having some attitude, but I'm trying to not take it personal. I feel the same way she does. I can't imagine being almost 5 and losing the dog that you have been with every day of your life. Katie was the closest to Lacey, out of all the kids. She would set aside part of EVERY day, to spend time with Lacey. She talked to her, like they were having a conversation. Lacey sat intently listening to Katie, and Katie would just pet her and lay with her. Lacey made Katie feel like she had a special friend. Katie had someone that she could say anything to, and nobody else would ever know what she said. Katie made sure Lacey was always in a comfortable spot to sleep in, she made sure she was fed, and I am almost....ok no I'm absolutely positive that Katie is the culprit of Lacey's weight gain. ;)
We are giving lots of love to each other, and to our other pets. This was hard on each one of us. We weren't expecting this to happen so soon, but really....when is anyone ever expecting a death?
Lacey will be greatly missed in our family. We will miss her little kisses, and kind eyes, that showed us how much she loved us.
We will move forward, as hard as each day is, and remember to show love and kindness to everyone in our lives. Our pets mean so much to us, and losing one has completely shocked us. We will pick up the pieces, as slowly as we need to and hold each other tight, as often as possible.
Lacey Loo, thank you for being my friend. For always sticking by my side, and showing me how strong love between people and animals can be. Thank you for being here for me when I needed a friend, and for always looking out for the kids. Thank you for waking me up in the middle of the night to say goodbye to me. I won't ever forget that. I love you.
I will miss you every day.
<3
Saying that, makes the frog in my throat grow two sizes.
I knew Lacey was not feeling well Tuesday (the day before she past away). She is an old dog (12), and was having some problems. I found her sleeping in the fort that William and I made that day, several times. I also saw her panting at night.....and I had never seen her do that. I knew she was obviously in some pain, so I told Nick that we needed to bring her to the vet in the morning.
Before bed Nick let her out to go pee, but she wouldn't go down our back porch steps.....so Nick carried her down to the grass for her. I guess he knew something was up, because when he brought her back in, I found him sitting with her in his lap, just giving lots of love. I sat across from them, and was a little surprised that she didn't immediately walk over to sit on me. She has been my dog for so long now, that she has become pretty attached to me. If I leave the house for a minute, or for several hours, she will sit by the door waiting for me to come home. She was extremely loyal to me. So when she didn't come to me even after I said "come her baby", I knew she must really be feeling sick or something. Every night before bed, Lacey gets a drink of water. It's something she has done every night for countless years. I noticed she wasn't walking so I carried her to her bowl and she turned away from it. Ugh.....yep....she didn't feel good.
I let her sleep with me that night. I wanted to cuddle her, and make her feel less pain. In the middle of the night she walked up from my feet, and sat on my arm. I know this sounds like something all dogs would do if they are in your bed, but Lacey has slept in my bed MANY times, and has never ever woken me up or sat on me like that.
I woke up and said "Oh Lacey"....I was still half asleep, so I kissed her, pet her and figured she must want off the bed, so I put her on the floor, and went to bed.
At 4:30am, my alarm went off so I could get up for the gym. I was in the bathroom getting ready when I hear Nick say "Hunny, I don't think Lacey is breathing"
Immediately I knew he was right......but I wouldn't believe it for a second. I rushed to her side, and tried to wake her up. I said her name countless times, pet her.....but she wasn't waking up.
I sat crying, in disbelief. Nick held me and I stayed there crying until 7am when I had to get my kids ready for school. Nicholas was about to leave for the bus, and since I knew we would be taking her to be cremated, I wanted to give him the chance to say goodbye to her. It was so hard to tell him that Lacey had just died. He sat next to me....both of us in tears, with his arm around me. It was so hard to see him so upset. I am glad I gave him a chance to say goodbye though.
I got my kids to school, and Nick made arrangements for Lacey to be cremated. I called my mom and sat in the school parking lot crying for a while. I felt like I had just lost a family member.
We took Lacey to be cremated at a beautiful place nearby. I had a seriously hard time carrying her into that place, but I wanted to be the one to let her go. I had to. I owed it to her, to be the last one to hold her.
Saying goodbye was hard for me. Lacey has been through EVERYTHING with me. My mom got her when I was just 17 years old, and I got to take her to my house when I was 20. She has been here through all of my pregnancies, watched all of our babies come into this world, she has watched me walk around this house frustrated and ranting about anything and everything, and stuck by my side for every minute of it. She has cuddled with all of us when we needed it most, followed us down the street while we played as a family, because she certainly didn't see herself as a dog, but as a part of our family. She has seen me at my most happy and my most sad moments, and has been here every time I needed someone to talk to. She has barked her heart out, to anyone that enters our house, just to have them greet her as well. She has formed the most beautiful and trustworthy bonds with each of my kids. She has, even on the days where her legs hurt so bad to walk, followed my every move, just to be with me and let me know I had her there for me....always.
She wasn't just a dog to me. She was my family. She was a part of my heart, and I am having a hard time letting her go.
Telling my kids that she had died, was some of the hardest words I had ever spoken to them. Lacey has been here with us since before they were born, so they don't know a life without her. They have all created a seriously deep bond with her, so losing her was one of the worst things that has ever happened to them.
Nicholas and Laura are doing well now. They had a hard time that first day, but now are dealing with it a bit better. William just doesn't understand.....he thinks the dog doctors are just fixing her and hasn't realized that she wont come back. Katie on the other hand is having the hardest time. She is sad, and angry. She has been acting out the past couple days, just having some attitude, but I'm trying to not take it personal. I feel the same way she does. I can't imagine being almost 5 and losing the dog that you have been with every day of your life. Katie was the closest to Lacey, out of all the kids. She would set aside part of EVERY day, to spend time with Lacey. She talked to her, like they were having a conversation. Lacey sat intently listening to Katie, and Katie would just pet her and lay with her. Lacey made Katie feel like she had a special friend. Katie had someone that she could say anything to, and nobody else would ever know what she said. Katie made sure Lacey was always in a comfortable spot to sleep in, she made sure she was fed, and I am almost....ok no I'm absolutely positive that Katie is the culprit of Lacey's weight gain. ;)
We are giving lots of love to each other, and to our other pets. This was hard on each one of us. We weren't expecting this to happen so soon, but really....when is anyone ever expecting a death?
Lacey will be greatly missed in our family. We will miss her little kisses, and kind eyes, that showed us how much she loved us.
We will move forward, as hard as each day is, and remember to show love and kindness to everyone in our lives. Our pets mean so much to us, and losing one has completely shocked us. We will pick up the pieces, as slowly as we need to and hold each other tight, as often as possible.
Lacey Loo, thank you for being my friend. For always sticking by my side, and showing me how strong love between people and animals can be. Thank you for being here for me when I needed a friend, and for always looking out for the kids. Thank you for waking me up in the middle of the night to say goodbye to me. I won't ever forget that. I love you.
I will miss you every day.
<3
Friday, August 23, 2013
And so it begins......
I've been doing this whole mom thing for a while now. 11 years to be exact. And even with all those years under my belt, sending my kids back to school on the first day, never seems to get any easier.
The first day back to school is always anxiety ridden for me. I worry so much about my kids, that I can barely sleep, the entire week leading up to the first day back. It's awful, but I can't help it. I worry about everything from my kids feeling sad, and missing me, to worrying about their new shoes being uncomfortable. Yea.....it's that bad. Like I said....I can't help it.
The first year I sent Nicholas to kindergarten, was really hard on me. I cried the entire day. I had spent so much time teaching him, and trying to catch him up to other kids his age. We had bonded the way mother and son are supposed to. I took on this child as my own, and I felt like I was handing him over to someone else all day. It sucked. But weeks went on, he loved school, and I let go a little. It was even harder on me however, when I sent him to his first day of middle school. It's hard to explain why. I mean, my little son was now turning into a young man......that was certainly hard for me.
He is now is 8th grade. The last year of middle school, and I can happily say, I didn't cry. I missed him all day on his first day, but I felt proud. He is growing up so fast, and turning into a man.
When I sent Laura to preschool, I was ok. It was only for three hours so I was cool with it. I had Katie to keep me company, so those hours went fast! When I sent her to kinder all day, I cried. It was hard for me to let my first little girl go. I didn't want her to grow up. I still don't. She is now in second grade, and is such a little social butterfly. She makes it easy for me to be excited for her. I don't feel that I need to worry about her too much. I know she will speak her mind at school, and ask for whatever she needs. She really made it easy to let go a little, for her too. I thought about her and missed her all day, but I knew she would come home full of stories to tell me.
Katie has gone to preschool for two years. She is now 4 (5 in September), and just started kindergarten. This was a hard one for me. I didn't cry, but my heart sure did. I wanted so badly to stay with her in her class all day.....but I didn't. Not only do I not want to be that mom who coddles her child so much that she cant let her be, but I know her teacher well enough (she was Laura's kinder teacher) to know that she wouldn't allow it. ;) I walked her to the carpet, let go of that sweet little soft hand of hers, and walked away. I had to swallow hard, to keep the tears from coming....I couldn't let her see me sad to let her go. She waved happily, and we waved right back. All day I thought about her. I missed her at lunch time mostly. We have had lunch together for almost 5 years. We sit every day together and talk about what we want to do for the rest of the day. Now I don't have that. She is at school with friends and becoming more independent. It's a wonderful thing, but it's so hard for me to let go.
I feel that sending my kids to kindergarten, one by one, is the first step in letting go of them. It's the first step of real independence, and I find it so scary. I want to hold their little hands forever. And while I know this wouldn't be good for them, my heart still has a hard time letting go.
Each one of my kids came home on the first day of school, with big smiles and lots of stories to tell. We sat at the dinner table for a long time learning about each child's day.
Not only did my heart glow with love and excitement for them, but the happy stories they told, told me that it's ok. It's ok to let go a little, and to let them become their own little people.
And so it begins......
<3
The first day back to school is always anxiety ridden for me. I worry so much about my kids, that I can barely sleep, the entire week leading up to the first day back. It's awful, but I can't help it. I worry about everything from my kids feeling sad, and missing me, to worrying about their new shoes being uncomfortable. Yea.....it's that bad. Like I said....I can't help it.
The first year I sent Nicholas to kindergarten, was really hard on me. I cried the entire day. I had spent so much time teaching him, and trying to catch him up to other kids his age. We had bonded the way mother and son are supposed to. I took on this child as my own, and I felt like I was handing him over to someone else all day. It sucked. But weeks went on, he loved school, and I let go a little. It was even harder on me however, when I sent him to his first day of middle school. It's hard to explain why. I mean, my little son was now turning into a young man......that was certainly hard for me.
He is now is 8th grade. The last year of middle school, and I can happily say, I didn't cry. I missed him all day on his first day, but I felt proud. He is growing up so fast, and turning into a man.
When I sent Laura to preschool, I was ok. It was only for three hours so I was cool with it. I had Katie to keep me company, so those hours went fast! When I sent her to kinder all day, I cried. It was hard for me to let my first little girl go. I didn't want her to grow up. I still don't. She is now in second grade, and is such a little social butterfly. She makes it easy for me to be excited for her. I don't feel that I need to worry about her too much. I know she will speak her mind at school, and ask for whatever she needs. She really made it easy to let go a little, for her too. I thought about her and missed her all day, but I knew she would come home full of stories to tell me.
Katie has gone to preschool for two years. She is now 4 (5 in September), and just started kindergarten. This was a hard one for me. I didn't cry, but my heart sure did. I wanted so badly to stay with her in her class all day.....but I didn't. Not only do I not want to be that mom who coddles her child so much that she cant let her be, but I know her teacher well enough (she was Laura's kinder teacher) to know that she wouldn't allow it. ;) I walked her to the carpet, let go of that sweet little soft hand of hers, and walked away. I had to swallow hard, to keep the tears from coming....I couldn't let her see me sad to let her go. She waved happily, and we waved right back. All day I thought about her. I missed her at lunch time mostly. We have had lunch together for almost 5 years. We sit every day together and talk about what we want to do for the rest of the day. Now I don't have that. She is at school with friends and becoming more independent. It's a wonderful thing, but it's so hard for me to let go.
I feel that sending my kids to kindergarten, one by one, is the first step in letting go of them. It's the first step of real independence, and I find it so scary. I want to hold their little hands forever. And while I know this wouldn't be good for them, my heart still has a hard time letting go.
Each one of my kids came home on the first day of school, with big smiles and lots of stories to tell. We sat at the dinner table for a long time learning about each child's day.
Not only did my heart glow with love and excitement for them, but the happy stories they told, told me that it's ok. It's ok to let go a little, and to let them become their own little people.
And so it begins......
<3
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
One day at a time.
A few days have gone by since the outfall with my father. There have been no further messages from either of us. I absolutely will not message him again, but I know it's only a matter of time before the "feel bad for me" messages come my way. They won't be read.
It's only been a couple days, and as melodramatic as it may sound.....I feel like I have lost a family member. In a sense I have.....I won't have a relationship with him again, which is best for me and my family. So why does it hurt so much? Why does my mind wonder, back to the pain of the words he chose to use?
I guess because I have seen how amazing of a dad my husband is, to our kids. I could NEVER see Nick saying anything even close to what my father has ever said to me, to any of our children. The bond that our kids have with him is so close, that they would be forever shattered if he spoke such hateful words to them. It breaks my heart to even think about that.
I am handling this one day at a time.....that's just the way it has to be.
But, I've been so touched by the out pour of support that I've had, not only over this situation that is happening now, but for the support that I've received ever since I told my story. For the emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, and virtual and real hugs from all of you. For not only the support, but for the encouragement to continue on with a life that makes me happy.....even if that means it's without my father.
So.....Thank you all, from the bottom of my mending heart.
<3
It's only been a couple days, and as melodramatic as it may sound.....I feel like I have lost a family member. In a sense I have.....I won't have a relationship with him again, which is best for me and my family. So why does it hurt so much? Why does my mind wonder, back to the pain of the words he chose to use?
I guess because I have seen how amazing of a dad my husband is, to our kids. I could NEVER see Nick saying anything even close to what my father has ever said to me, to any of our children. The bond that our kids have with him is so close, that they would be forever shattered if he spoke such hateful words to them. It breaks my heart to even think about that.
I am handling this one day at a time.....that's just the way it has to be.
But, I've been so touched by the out pour of support that I've had, not only over this situation that is happening now, but for the support that I've received ever since I told my story. For the emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, and virtual and real hugs from all of you. For not only the support, but for the encouragement to continue on with a life that makes me happy.....even if that means it's without my father.
So.....Thank you all, from the bottom of my mending heart.
<3
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The last straw.
I am writing this for myself. To let this out, to get it off my chest. It is not a happy post.....so if you don't want to read this, I completely understand. <3
Most of you know the dirty details about my father, and my relationship. It is certainly not normal, or nice. It's been hell for me to deal with him for the past 10 years.
When I was pregnant with Katie, it was REALLY bad. The calls were almost constant, causing me to have anxiety. Thanks dad.
I cried almost nightly, praying for a way to fix my dad. Praying to figure out what would make him stop drinking. Thanks dad.
I would sit on the phone while my kids played around me, stuck to the phone because my dad was crying on the other end about god knows what. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, because I was always stuck to a phone. Thanks dad.
Thing's got better when I removed him from my life. I went a long time without speaking to him. Things were good. My anxiety was better, I was happier, and I was never STUCK to a phone.
I let my father back in about a year ago. I allowed texts....no calls. I hate to hear his voice because it causes my anxiety to sky rocket. It took me a long time to learn that I'm a woman and do not have to allow ANYONE to control me in any way. Including my father.
I lost so much respect and faith in my father. I didn't allow him to speak to my kids.....not that he ever tried to. And I certainly never spoke his name around my kids. Don't you worry though....my kids are EXTREMELY blessed with 2 grandpa's that ADORE them. Thank you both!
Texts became weirder and weirder.....and at weird times. Leading me to believe he is still a drunk. But I let him back in and I shouldn't have.
Recently I noticed he deleted me on facebook. Which, really who cares.....delete me if you need to....that's ok. But it stung. I decided to ask him why and I got the response....
"i deleted ppl that posted unimportant things such as pics of their dinner and such."
Nice huh? I absolutely have posted pictures of yummy dinners that we've made.....don't we all? ;) But 98% of my posts are pictures of my kids.....or ABOUT my kids. His grandkids. Unimportant? Hardly.
I responded with "its good to know that the stuff I post is unimportant to you....see ya".
That was it. I was done.
He couldn't help it. He had to come back with some nastiness that I can't post. I won't do that to myself or anyone else it involves. I will however say, that I was disgusted. He told me that I must think I have a perfect life....And I responded this.....(I took out part of it that I don't want to talk about)
"Wow. I absolutely don't think my life is perfect. It never has been and never will be. We ALL make mistakes and go through things. The difference between (BLANK AND YOU IS). You made mistakes, brought down so many family members with you, and kept lying about being sober. You lost EVERYTHING and it still wasn't enough for you to change. So you are right FUCK IT.
When I read that I hate it. I hate that I HAD to say those things to my father. But I had to. I had to stick up for myself, to my father.....the bully. He didn't respond all night, so I thought good.....we are done and that's that.
I was wrong. I woke up the next morning to this.....
"what a bitch u became."
I can't begin to describe how hurtful, and disgusting that is to read. From the man that made me. Took part in raising me until I was 11. I'm a bitch, because I stood my ground.
THAT is a bully.
It took me a long time to even think about letting him back in, and this is the slap in the face that I get. That is it. That is the last time that I let him in. It breaks my heart beyond belief.....because for so long I held onto this dream of helping him. Fixing him. I had this dream of being reunited with a father that was not sick....a father that wanted goodness in his life, and didn't just talk about it.
That is gone. Completely shattered. I can't let anyone that is toxic in my life. It affects me so deeply that my every day life is affected. That isn't fair to my kids and husband.....or me.
So I have decided to completely move on. I will not look back, I will not think what if, I will not feel bad or sorry for him.
I've been told countless times that I should forgive and forget, and he is my father so I should NEVER ignore him. It's easy to say that.....but it's not easy to live through this.
I hope you can all understand where I'm coming from in my decision....I hope any of you that speaks to him, will not try to make me feel badly, or try to change my mind.....it won't work. This is just the last straw.
I can only wish my father well, and move on. I want happiness in my life, and when he isn't involved.....my life is full of happiness. That is what my family and I deserve.
I will wake up and go to bed reminding myself that I deserve the best.....and I deserve loving people around me. Period.
<3
Most of you know the dirty details about my father, and my relationship. It is certainly not normal, or nice. It's been hell for me to deal with him for the past 10 years.
When I was pregnant with Katie, it was REALLY bad. The calls were almost constant, causing me to have anxiety. Thanks dad.
I cried almost nightly, praying for a way to fix my dad. Praying to figure out what would make him stop drinking. Thanks dad.
I would sit on the phone while my kids played around me, stuck to the phone because my dad was crying on the other end about god knows what. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, because I was always stuck to a phone. Thanks dad.
Thing's got better when I removed him from my life. I went a long time without speaking to him. Things were good. My anxiety was better, I was happier, and I was never STUCK to a phone.
I let my father back in about a year ago. I allowed texts....no calls. I hate to hear his voice because it causes my anxiety to sky rocket. It took me a long time to learn that I'm a woman and do not have to allow ANYONE to control me in any way. Including my father.
I lost so much respect and faith in my father. I didn't allow him to speak to my kids.....not that he ever tried to. And I certainly never spoke his name around my kids. Don't you worry though....my kids are EXTREMELY blessed with 2 grandpa's that ADORE them. Thank you both!
Texts became weirder and weirder.....and at weird times. Leading me to believe he is still a drunk. But I let him back in and I shouldn't have.
Recently I noticed he deleted me on facebook. Which, really who cares.....delete me if you need to....that's ok. But it stung. I decided to ask him why and I got the response....
"i deleted ppl that posted unimportant things such as pics of their dinner and such."
Nice huh? I absolutely have posted pictures of yummy dinners that we've made.....don't we all? ;) But 98% of my posts are pictures of my kids.....or ABOUT my kids. His grandkids. Unimportant? Hardly.
I responded with "its good to know that the stuff I post is unimportant to you....see ya".
That was it. I was done.
He couldn't help it. He had to come back with some nastiness that I can't post. I won't do that to myself or anyone else it involves. I will however say, that I was disgusted. He told me that I must think I have a perfect life....And I responded this.....(I took out part of it that I don't want to talk about)
"Wow. I absolutely don't think my life is perfect. It never has been and never will be. We ALL make mistakes and go through things. The difference between (BLANK AND YOU IS). You made mistakes, brought down so many family members with you, and kept lying about being sober. You lost EVERYTHING and it still wasn't enough for you to change. So you are right FUCK IT.
When I read that I hate it. I hate that I HAD to say those things to my father. But I had to. I had to stick up for myself, to my father.....the bully. He didn't respond all night, so I thought good.....we are done and that's that.
I was wrong. I woke up the next morning to this.....
"what a bitch u became."
I can't begin to describe how hurtful, and disgusting that is to read. From the man that made me. Took part in raising me until I was 11. I'm a bitch, because I stood my ground.
THAT is a bully.
It took me a long time to even think about letting him back in, and this is the slap in the face that I get. That is it. That is the last time that I let him in. It breaks my heart beyond belief.....because for so long I held onto this dream of helping him. Fixing him. I had this dream of being reunited with a father that was not sick....a father that wanted goodness in his life, and didn't just talk about it.
That is gone. Completely shattered. I can't let anyone that is toxic in my life. It affects me so deeply that my every day life is affected. That isn't fair to my kids and husband.....or me.
So I have decided to completely move on. I will not look back, I will not think what if, I will not feel bad or sorry for him.
I've been told countless times that I should forgive and forget, and he is my father so I should NEVER ignore him. It's easy to say that.....but it's not easy to live through this.
I hope you can all understand where I'm coming from in my decision....I hope any of you that speaks to him, will not try to make me feel badly, or try to change my mind.....it won't work. This is just the last straw.
I can only wish my father well, and move on. I want happiness in my life, and when he isn't involved.....my life is full of happiness. That is what my family and I deserve.
I will wake up and go to bed reminding myself that I deserve the best.....and I deserve loving people around me. Period.
<3
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