Friday, February 3, 2012

It's a daily struggle for me.....but I will rise above this.

 I'm not sure why I feel embarrassed by my anxiety, but I do. I'm also embarrassed to say that. I don't judge people who deal with anything like this, so I am not sure why I feel like I will be judged, but I do.
 I've been dealing with anxiety since I was pregnant with Katie. Maybe even longer, who knows, this is just when I remember really seeing it affect my daily life. Here I am 3 years later and it has come back fairly hard.
 I have days where I am perfectly fine, and I have days when several times I feel panicky, worried, my heart pounds and its hard to breath. This has been harder on me since dealing with issues with my father. If I get a phone call or text from him, I'm instantly in panic mode. I'm working on it. I breath, and try to just let it go. it's not always easy, and when it takes me a few minutes I feel sad, mad and embarrassed.
 I wonder if people think I'm a crazy person or something. I can assure you, I'm not. I'm just dealing with the effects of having a father who is an alcoholic.
 Yesterday was especially hard on me. One of the hardest in a long time and today I feel as if I cried all night or something.
 I had an appointment for my ovarian cyst, which left my cyst causing me pain the rest of the day. I have been worried about it which isn't good for my anxiety in the first place. I tried to rest as much as I could but with 4 kids, a house to clean and meals to wasn't easy. Pretty much nonexistent. ;) My father tried to text me the day before, and I ignored it. But it had been lingering in my mind. He texted me and called me last night, to which I ignored. I was folding laundry and felt like I needed to say something so I wrote "I can't speak with you at this point in my life dad, I'm sorry." He wrote back "ty". Hmm. Really? I moved on and 30 minutes later get a text that says "just when I need you, you turn your back".



 I laughed when I read it, and then I cried. I'm sick of having an alcoholic father. Hearing "I've been sober for 55 days", has been said to me more times than I can count. It's embarrassing, frustrating, sad and.....pathetic.

 I've been the only one of my fathers children dumb enough to be there for him for YEARS. Since I was 18 years old, I've been there for him. All those phone calls that he said he needed my support so I gave it to him, those apparently don't matter.

 The times when I gave my children baths, made diner and put them to bed without saying a word to my BABIES....just so I could "be there for him". I regret that, but those apparently don't matter.

 This is why I'm angry. I chose HIM, and his drunk, sick phone calls, over being a good mother sometimes. That will never, ever happen again. Ever.

 "Just when I need you, you turn your back.". Wow. He doesn't get it. I'm not sure he ever will. I'm not his care taker, companion, friend.....I'm supposed to be his daughter. I shouldn't have to be here for him AGAIN while he tries to resist the booze. It's not my job. I'm not going back there again. I can't. I am dealing with anxiety mostly because of this, and he doesn't get why I can't "be there" for him now.


 I told him that I have been there for him. I now have to focus on my own issues because of his childish choices.

 My kids and husband are what NEED me. I'm here for THEM. I can't help people that choose not to help themselves. I won't.

 So.....I'm feeling frazzled today, a little out of sorts, and ...... sad. I'm just sad.

 I thank god that I have parents that I CAN rely on. That have never fed me lies, and called me names. I'm thankful for my mom and dad that are both great examples to me, and my brothers.

 For now I'm focusing on me. Just being here, in the present, with my family. One deep breath at a time.