Friday, September 30, 2011

Happy 3rd Birthday Katelee!

 Happy Birthday my dear Katie!!
 Wow! Where have these last 3 years gone, and how did it go SO fast?! You have made each and every day special for me Katie. Through the smiles, laughs, tears, and have always put a smile on my face.
 I remember the day you were born. Even thinking of it today makes my heart light up. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl....the doctor held you up and let me be the one to say "it's a girl!!". Wow, was that special or what!?
 You still, three years later have the little line on your nose that you were born with. I love that little line. I don't think you even notice it....but I always will.
 Today, at three now, you are learning so much. You are such a wonderful sister and daughter. Your free spirit has taught me and everyone else, so much. You really appreciate everything. The big and little. You are still taking this big huge world in, day by day and you will never stop exploring. I hope you keep this up. It's wonderful to be curious and to say how you feel, to show the world how funny and caring you are.
 I love the way you look at me....with those wide loving eyes. You looked at me the same exact way when I was nursing you years ago.....and I still look at you the same way too.
 Katie you have filled my life with laughter, smiles, fun, love, and such heartwarming charm. You are one of a kind. Daddy will tell you this :) You've always been a daddy's girl. Lately you are a little more attached to mama, but that's because you are going through lots of changes. Going to school, being a big sister instead of the baby of the family, and learning how we control ourselves. That's a hard one. I haven't mastered it either....but we will keep working on it together :)
 You are fully potty trained, no more paci, and sleeping in a big girl bunk bed!! My my my, how you've grown! You speak so wonderfully, and try really hard to get your point across to anyone that will listen.
 Katie we are all so proud of you. We will always be. This world is all yours and I hope you always take advantage of that. You are special and can do anything you set your mind already do :)
 Mama loves you Katie bug. I will forever love you, and you will forever be my baby girl. My little princess with the line on her nose! :)
 Big kisses to you sweetheart, I hope you smile all day on your birthday, and everyday after.

Love Mama. <3

Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm not budging.

 Nicholas is almost 12 years old. In 10 days to be exact. I'm so excited and cannot believe my son, my first child is going to be TWELVE!! I remember that age so clearly, and hope he feels as happy as I did when I was 12. :)
 Him turning 12 means I have been raising him for almost 9 years. I've been here raising him, a lot of the time on my own. While Nick was at work....who do you think was at home with Nicholas? Me. Who was taking him to school, doctors appointments, parent teacher conferences, picking him up from school after getting hurt at school, taking him to buy school clothes, toys, throwing every single birthday party, kissing owies, teaching to read, write and SPEAK, teaching to love, and to show respect, to care for others and to be a leader. Me. It was all me. I won't take Nick out of the equation....he is he best dad in the world and has always been by Nicholas's side. I am just being honest here. I've done all of this. I've loved all of this.
 I've raised a child that is not my own. A child that didn't grow inside of me, or cuddle up to me as a newborn. I didn't get to swaddle him, see his first steps and get his first hug.
 I did however get most of his firsts. His first words, his first school day, his first time riding a bike, riding skates, riding a skateboard. His first book he read, the first time he spelt his name, the first time he said "I love you". I got that. Me.
 Being a parent is so hard. Sometimes its stressful and really frustrating. Being a parent raising a child that visits his birth mother is even harder.
 Take your beautiful child....the one you have shared the world with and send him or her to another woman's house every other weekend. Not so easy is it? think it's different? It's not. Not at all. He didn't come out of my belly but he came from my heart. To send him off every other weekend rips my heart out. For many reasons honestly.
 My son is at the most impressionable age ever. You tell a 12 year old something, they believe it. They might question it.....but mostly they believe you. We all know where I'm going with this. Having another person in his life tell him false stories or manipulate his mind to think new thing's is heart wrenching. I can't even put it any other way.
 We moved to California a year and a half ago. I lost part of my son then. I haven't gotten him back yet, and that makes me hurt. I know he is just a victim in all of this. He didn't ask to have two sets of parents., a set of parents and a set of friends. I don't want to mislead you or give credit where it certainly isn't due. I deserve the credit of being this boy's mother. Me. I haven't left, taken a break or held a grudge. That wasn't me...ever. I've been here by his side through the awfully hard times (like now) and the wonderfully sweet times. I've been here 100% of the time. Never questioning our mother son relationship. Never leaving him to feel lost. I've been here. Me.
 I know I'm being pushed away right now. I know all tweens do it, but it's different. There is a core to this pushing away.
 I won't budge. Ever. I cry tears of pain from the feelings of seeing our relationship change at times. I cry tears from seeing my son want to go to his birth mothers house for the weekend. I cry for the tole that this move has put on our mother son relationship. Who knew adding another "parent" in his life would be so hard for both of us. HA!
 So....I've been here for almost 9 years. Through thick and thin. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I won't budge. I'm his mom. Whether he likes it or not :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Look at the time!

 Every night Nick and I work as a team to get the kids to bed and clean up any messes. We are not new to parenting or running a household, so we are a pretty well oiled machine by now.

 What I want to know is how does time really work? 24 hours in a day? BULL! Some days seem longer and some way whats going on with these darn clocks?!

 Nick and I get all three little kids in the bath (though Laura starts going into the big shower on her own this week yay!!!), get them cleaned while the other is making bottles to keep in the fridge. Lately I've been the bath giver. Do you all love bath time EVERY night? Cause I don't and I feel bad saying that. Some days I'm just not in the darn mood for William constantly standing up threatening to give me a heart attack for the 80th time that day. And for Laura's THICK hair to never seem to get wet no matter how many times I soak it. She has her dads hair. I call it horse hair. Or Katie whining that she just NEEDS the toy that her sibling has.

 Some days are fun, don't get me wrong.....I enjoy seeing them splash each other and laugh....but life isn't always full of like I said....not every night is fun during bath time.

 So....bath is done, now time to get all three dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, outfits for school picked out, lunches maid (oops....there I go thinking out loud again)....I mean MADE. ;) Story time, and then the rush to bed. After we get our girls to bed, Nicholas does his reading homework, and William needs his bottle and to be put into bed. Usually there is a mess or two somewhere to be cleaned up which annoys me. Every night! I clean ALL DAY... HOW can there be any messes anywhere?! UGH!

 Clean up those messes that of course NO ONE made, feed the pets, and load the dishwasher of all the cups from children getting drinks before bed. Have they not heard my rule of no drinks before bed?! Didn't think so. Nick and I pass each other a few times around the house knowing we are just dying to sit and relax with each other. But no.....there is more to be done. Nick must get all his stuff ready for school for the next day, and I need to prepare anything I need done for the next morning.

 While we are doing all this the clock goes into fast forward. it can't just be my clocks that do that!

 How though when its homework time, laundry time, temper tantrum time (if you are a new parent...YES you can bet your booty that there are actual set times when your youngest will throw a fit each day), and yard work time.....the clock slows down or seems to stop all together. I don't get it!!

 Nick and I wait all day long for those few short hours at night where we are a couple, and not parents. We are parenting all day, every day, so when our little ones are asleep we can finally connect and talk without being interrupted, share stories about our day, and just enjoy each others company. I just hate how those few hours at night go by so so quickly. I love those hours with my husband. I look forward to the alone time with my partner in this world. Even though, we are so busy every day, parenting.....those short few hours give me what I need to look forward to the next day. 

 And just like that......another hour has gone by!

Only a mother knows....

 I believe that a mother has the most special bond with their child/ren. I know that father's siblings, grandparents, aunt and uncles have special bonds with the kids as well....but nothing like the bond with their mother.
 Only a mother knows and remembers certain things about her children.
 I've been a mother for almost 9 years, and I feel like there are thing's about my children that THEY don't even know I know.
 Let's take William for example. He isn't old enough to know I know....or understand, but I know that when I feed him and rock him to sleep every night that he has to have something in his hands. Preferably the blanket that lays on the back of my recliner. He moves it around in his hands, rubs it and rubs his eyes with it. He loves it and I love it. I make sure every night that the blanket is there, waiting for him to cuddle with. Without fail.....he goes for that blanket every night.
 Katie still rubs her nose with her blanket, that she has had since she was born, every night until she falls asleep. This reminds me.....she has this line in the tip of her nose that she was born with. I love this little line. It's such a beautiful line. To this day (almost 3 years exactly OMG!!) I still kiss it. I hope it never goes away. She needs love right away when waking up from a nap....I love giving her all the love she needs, and will always cherish her cuddles.
 Laura has to have a book with her in bed. She is my book worm and complete school lover!!! It calms her down after a full day and she flips through the pages whispering to herself until she is too tired to continue on. She also loves to copy anything and everything. She will find a book, a newspaper, a bill (though some of these I'd prefer her NOT to copy haha!), Nicholas' old homework.....anything....and copy every single letter. She has done this since she was about 3. She loves doing it and showing me her "homework". I know that she still craves specifically my attention. She has always been very attached to me.....I enjoy having my little shadow. matter how old he is still loves my hugs. We have had a very hard year and a half as mother and son. I don't want to get into all of that in this blog, but we will just say that it's been an uphill climb for us, that we won't give up on. Ever. When he goes to visit his birth mother every other weekend, he makes sure to hug everyone before he goes, and I feel like he purposely saves me for last every time. He gives me a longer hug than he normally does any other day. Maybe he knows that I have a hard time with him going over there. I need that hug more than he knows. I've never told anyone about those hugs before....they are special to me....especially since things have been a little more difficult since we moved. I hope those hugs never fade away.
 My kids do so many things that mean a lot to me. They are little things that they probably don't even realize they do.....but they have aways done them and I love it. I love seeing their completely different personalities come out, and shine.
 To me, as their mother I melt when they do these things. I can't completely explain why they are so meaningful to me, I can just say that these little "habits" of theirs are beautiful. Only a mother knows all of these quirks. And only a mother can forever appreciate them.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

B-B-B-Benny and the JETS!

 There is no mention of a "Benny" in this blog.....just came to mind when I was thinking about the jets I will be talking about lol!
 Today I had the absolute pleasure of seeing a beautifully noisy jet fly over our house. They are practicing for an air show that will be held this weekend.
 I seriously forgot about that sound. As most of you know, Nick was in the Air Force for 11 years, and we constantly heard the sound of jets on base. Or even when we lived close enough to the base for the jets to fly over our house every day. Though, I remember hating the noise then. They would fly over my house twice a day at the same exact time, every day. It always seemed to be at nap time too. Hmm!
 I miss that sound. I felt like I was back at home when I heard it. When I saw the jet peak out from behind the huge trees surrounding my neighborhood I couldn't help but feel a little choked up. Is that silly? Nah!
 That sound represents so much to me. Mostly my life in Arizona. We all know I miss we won't get into that! ;)
 I remember being LITTLE....I mean like 4 and going on base with my parents (my dad was also in the Air Force until he retired). I'd hear the jets flying, taking off.....or just warming up and I loved it. It was such a powerful sound.
 When I had kids of my own, it felt special to me that I was able to share that same sound at the same base with them. William however has never heard an actual jet. Until today :)
 When I was outside today, I was holding my son and yelling "William look its a jet, listen to that sound!!!" that I think of it, he probably couldn't hear over my screeching! Sorry little man! I'm sure my neighbors thought I was a quack for jumping up and down with my son (again....sorry little man) and yelling about a jet. I couldn't help it. I felt like I was showing him a moment that means so much to me.
 It's amazing to me that a sound can bring up so many memories, many emotions. I wish I could hear that sound more....and who knows, maybe one I will.
 We will be taking our children (unless William decides to get worse with this little cold) to the air show this weekend. I don't care if its obnoxiously hot. I don't care if my kids whine about the heat and the noise. I'm going to enjoy every single second of it. Especially the sound. :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


 I try hard to keep it together when my kids are tired and having fits. All kids do, so don't judge me for my kids being normal. ;) They have fits over normal (yet still annoying) kid stuff. Having to do chores, not getting what they want right away, their siblings bugging them, waking up early.....I could go on, but I might look back at this and feel like they AREN'T normal fits, so I won't ;)
 I have tried lots of different ideas when it comes to my kids having meltdowns. Walking away, putting in corner, putting on bed to relax until ready to TALK and not WHINE, sitting and rocking them, just sitting with them and lending an ear, mimicking them.....yea that might be something I will look back on and for sure be embarrassed by lol! Hey it worked a few times. They cry, and I pretend to be JUST LIKE THEM! It got them to laugh and fit was long gone. That is something I have only done a couple times, because I don't think it's actually teaching them anything.....just showing them how silly they look.
 Right now I am trying to take them to a chair or couch, sit with them and talk softly so they can barely hear me. This seems to catch their attention and they end up wanting to hear what I'm actually saying. We then talk about whats bothering them and try to fix it.
 I won't lie though, I can't do this every time. I don't even know if I could do this every time with just one child, but it's not happening as much as I'd like with 4. It's exhausting to be the "fixer" all the time. I need a fixer too sometimes!
 There is only so much crying, whining, pouting, eye rolling, and attitude a mom can take. This is when I put myself in time out. I give the kids a project....."draw a picture of the house".......and lay on my bed for 2 or 3 minutes. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if I used the timeout rule with myself?! A minute for every year. I'd love those 26 minutes to myself. Though I'm sure the house would be upside down by the time my timeout was finished.
 The mom timeout does help. I go from feeling like I'm drowning in kids, to "I can do this!" in just a few minutes. I need to remember the mom timeout more. Like before I shout "Is it bedtime yet?!" for the 3rd time. :/ 

Alway's mama's fault....yea....not so much!

 This past summer Nicholas asked me...ok....BEGGED me to put him in band. So we did. I felt it would be great for him, and he was thrilled for school to start, so he could start practicing his instrument.
 The second week of school my son brought home his instrument. The french horn! Yay! Well, outside I was saying YAY!! Inside, not as enthused ;) With several naptimes, nonstop daily children sounds, and a dog that barks at any sound that seems suspicious to her....I was less than excited for all the noise. However, I came up with a plan....he could practice in the garage each afternoon. We have fans in there so its nice and cool. When the winter comes, I will have to come up with another plan! For now, we won't think about that!
 Nicholas jumped right in to playing and learning how to blow into his instrument the correct way and learning the different keys. Are they even called keys? Who know. We will just keep calling them that ;)
Come the 3rd and 4th week of school Nicholas realizes that playing an instrument isn't all about PLAY. It takes practice, concentration and time. None of which he wants to do. The middle of the 4th week Nicholas manages to break his horn. He says he tried to take off the part you blow in....we will call it the blowy thingy. Well the blowy thingy was apparently on pretty good and he ruined it while trying to take it off. During the week before this broke, he is asking me constantly to put him in computers instead. I won't do that. I am not teaching these kids that you quit just because it's not easy. So no....not happening.
 Part of Nicholas's grade for band is practicing at home. I log how many minutes each day he practices. I've been asking him to speak to his teacher about what he SHOULD be doing for homework since he can't bring his horn back home. The teacher has to take it in to get the blowy thingy fixed. *sigh*
 Today I pushed again....."Nicholas please speak with your band teacher about what he wants you to do for homework so your grade doesn't slip, if you don't I will have to email him, so please take care of that." Simple enough.
 First thing he said...."This wouldn't have happened if you didn't put me in band in the first place". I have a few problems with this. First....whoa buddy. I'm your mother, not your friend. Speaking to me with disrespect isn't okay. Ever. begged me to put you in band. When I told him this his response was "I didn't beg you, I just said I might want to try it this year, that doesn't mean put me in it".            :)             Now you are unleashing the frustrated mama.....and that isn't good. FOR YOU.
 Oh dear child. By now you should have learned that I will not argue with you. I love you too much.  What I want to know is how I get blamed for HIM breaking HIS horn?!
 How does that always happen?! I swear moms are always blamed and always end up the 'bad guy'.
 I didn't want to embarrass Nicholas at the bus stop when this conversation happened this morning. So I will speak to him about this today when he comes home. I'm frustrated that he got frustrated with me for asking him to speak to his teacher about homework, so his reaction is to blame to. As if to say he shouldn't have to do homework since he thinks it is MY fault it broke because I was awful and put him in band like he asked. What a bad mom I am!
 So mama's I guess the lesson here is to do the opposite of what your children ask for? Or maybe when an accident like this happens YOU go straight to the teacher instead of asking the child to do so. Who am I kidding.....what 12 year old kid WANTS to go to his teacher to ask for homework? So maybe he is right.....THIS situation IS my fault. HA!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Who are you?!

 Today while at our play date, my friend and I noticed there were a couple guys going around the play ground jumping like crazy people over and onto everything.
 Who are these people? It seems like every time I go to a play area....whether it be the mall play place, burger king, or the park, there are always a few of those people who have this deep need to jump and run as if they aren't actually around 2 year olds.
 I don't get it. I don't find it impressive that you can leap from one play bridge to the other. Certainly my 5 year old doesn't find it impressive either. My almost 3 year old finds it scary actually. These weird guys jumping and being all "fake superman" like. Did I mention these people are never KIDS?! They are ALWAYS at least 16 years old. Did their moms throw away their superman toys at a young age for not cleaning their rooms, and they rebelled by trying to act like superman? Is this a new trend like planking that I just don't get?? They CAN'T be trying to impress toddlers. Hmm...
 I think next time I am going to challenge these hoodlums to a jump off. Seriously, I've been chasing after kids since I was 18....I know damn well I can jump farther than these fake superheros. ;)
 Seriously though.....why don't they go to their back yards or something? Why a child's playground where KIDS stare at them like they MUST have lost their marbles. I'm going to have to ask one of these kiddos whats this all about next time....

 AFTER the jump off challenge! ;)

Well....let's hope THAT never happens again.

 Been a mom for almost 9 years and never have I lost a child. Today that changed.
 Ok, don't let me fool you...I didn't LOSE her....she just was not in my sight for a few minutes. Is that still losing her? No.....right???? ;)
 I took Laura and Katie on a play date today, to meet some new friends (who I am thrilled that I got to meet....they are great ladies!) Everything went so smoothly, we all chatted and it never felt forced or like we didn't click. The kids played and it was beautiful weather! Just great all around. Then it happened. I realized it had been a couple minutes since I last saw Katie and Laura.
 We got there at 9:45am, and the park was pretty much empty. As time went on more and more people started to show up. When I went to look for my girls I saw Laura pretty much right away. I asked her where Katie was and she didn't know. At that moment I swear it felt like 100 people came out of the wood work and were all surrounding me. All I wanted was to see my short little girl in her pink dress on a slide or walking across one of the play bridges. I probably only looked for her for a few minutes but it felt like forever and I only grew more scared as the seconds went by. 
 I asked my new girlfriends if they had seen Katie and they both hopped up right away and went off to look for her. That was so amazing of them. I didn't even have to ask for help....their mommy instincts just turned right on and they were on a mission to find her. My new friend Brianna found her pretty much right away wandering around the park. Thank goodness!!!! I am very appreciative that these girls, that I have never met before were more than happy to help me look for her.
 Getting to Katie, through all the bridges and turns in the play area felt like forever....when I got to her I felt like I was the worst mom ever. I know people were watching me as I frantically searched yelling "KATIE BUG" up and down the play area. UGH!!! Enter shameful face here!!!!
 I hugged my girl and felt so much better! I didn't let her leave my sight after that....and don't think I will EVER AGAIN!  ;) 
 When I was looking for her (and I'm serious it was only a few minutes, but felt like a really long time) all I could think about was....what if someone took her?! She is a gorgeous little girl and one of my BIGGEST fears is for one of my children to be taken. I hope to never feel that again. Let me be sucked! 
 So....for all the moms out there that have "lost" a child for a few minutes....I sympathize with you. I know just how scary it is now! 
 On the car ride home all I talked about was "what should you do if you can't find mommy?" "what should you do if someone tries to take you, tries to offer you candy, tries to take you to play?". I probably OVERLY pounded it into their heads lol. Maybe it's my head that I needed to pound "DON'T LET YOUR DAUGHTER WANDER OFF" into!
 For now.....let's pretend that didn't happen ;)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

With just a phone call....

 Being away from my mom and the rest of my family for the past year and a half has left me feeling like a piece of me is missing. I know not everyone understands my feelings.....and that makes me sad.
 I'm so close to my mom that with just a phone call she can make me feel like she is sitting right here next to me. I enjoy our talks. It's rare that I can sit and enjoy a talk with her for more than 10 minutes without being interrupted by one of my children, or Lacey needing to go the times I DO get to just TALK with her....I am especially grateful.
 I have felt a big mountain of guilt since moving away from my family. Guilt that my children aren't able to see their family in Arizona. Guilt that my family isn't able to see my children. I miss them dearly. Not one day has gone by that I have not thought about them.
 I feel like I am missing so much with them, and that's hard to think about at times. I know they are all doing well and are happy....but I can just about guarantee.....they wish we had never moved. :)
 A few months ago my mom called me and left a message. She rarely leaves messages. I just call her back if I see I have missed her call. It KILLS me to see when she leaves a message for me because each and every time I get this knot at the pit of my stomach, only thinking the worst. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. Just like if your phone rings at think the worst. Maybe it's just me lol!
 I called my mom back to find out she just wanted to talk a bit and see how I was, and that my youngest brother Donnie had chocked on a piece of candy. I cried when she told me this. She cried too. I was scared that I could have lost my brother. My mom had to do the heimlich maneuver on him, which just thinking about brings me to tears. I felt guilty that I wasn't there for them at that moment. That I wasn't able to offer my mom a hug when I could tell she needed one the most.
 My mom has heard me cry on the phone more times than I can count since we have been in Redding. Over countless things. I'm sure she felt the same way as I did. Wishing she could offer me a hug when I needed one the most. It's ok though.....I felt those hugs when I needed them, just by a simple phone call.
 I remember after I had William, I ended up with a spinal headache leaving me in the worst pain of my life. Literally. I can remember laying in my bed calling her, wishing I would die, just to escape the pain. These thoughts are hard for me to type out. Those are very open wounds with me still.
 My mom cried on the other end.....and sometimes with no sound going through either phone....I felt like she was hugging me. She got me through that hard time in my life......and from this far away. I had so much help from so many people.....but my mom is what pulled me through.
 As you can see, there have been many times where both my mom and myself really needed each other, and through a simple phone call....we were both there. I love you and I miss you more than you know. do know ;) I promise I am giving you those hugs when I know you need them....and I am feeling the hugs from you every single day.

Let's see you do it.....

 I have run across many women who have strong opinions about how people raise their children.
 Breastfeed until 1 year, cloth diapers only, no cartoons, co-sleeping until age 14 (lol), no spanking, no raising your voice, name brand clothing, no sugar, no staying up late.....the list goes on and on and on.
 Let's say it all together shall we? LETS SEE YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 I find people are fast to speak when it comes to HOW to raise children. Most of these times, the parents are extremely young, their children have all left the roost, have one child, OR NO CHILDREN AT ALL. Yea, it's easy to spout off what you THINK should be done. The truth's NOT always easy. Your opinions change....almost daily, on how you want to raise your children.
 Breastfeeding....I've never met a woman that just didn't WANT to breastfeed (although I don't ASK every mother I have met, so I can't say for sure). Some women CAN'T breastfeed. I nursed Laura and Katie exclusively. Neither of them ever had a bottle....and I was proud of myself. William came along and I knew things had that chance of being different. Most of you know, I had a breast augmentation not that long ago. I knew this would change how my body produced milk. I hoped for the best, but prepared myself (or so I thought) for the worst. NOT breastfeeding was not an option to me. That's just what you are supposed to do right? are supposed to do what you CAN, what is best for you and baby, and what makes you happy at the end of the day. I learned this from William. Anyways, I was only able to nurse William for 3 months and that killed me. People not knowing the reason took it upon themselves to assume I just didn't WANT to. Shame on you for assuming. ;)
 Cloth diapers. Seriously? Let's get real. Unless you are a stay at home to ONE baby, I think it's near impossible to find time to rinse out that poopy cloth, and wash a load of diapers daily. Even then, I don't think moms with one baby can spare the time usually. LIFE IS BUSY!
 No cartoons.....again.....get real. There are times when you NEED to get things done. Washing laundry, dishes, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, picking up toys, cleaning bathrooms, disinfecting EVERYTHING, washing bottles, folding laundry, putting away laundry, scrubbing I need to go on? Life is not 100% about children. We need to live in a clean home....and as much as I have wished for it.....the house still won't clean itself. Sometimes children won't cooperate and play happily by themselves with a toy....or 100 toys. Sometimes a cartoon is my saving grace. It grabs their attention for the amount of time I need to complete these tasks. Lets move on already, they aren't being damaged by watching 30 minutes of mickey mouse clubhouse or Dora!
 Co-sleeping. Nope. Not doing it. My bed is for my husband and I. Not for my children. This is a rule in my house and it will never budge. Most things in my life are about my children. My bed feels like its the only thing my husband and I have to ourselves!!! So moms that judge.....get over it. My babies were all perfectly fine in their comfy bassinets when they were newborns. Get this....they even slept BETTER when we moved them into their own rooms. You do whats best in your home and let me do whats best in mine :)
 All the other things kind of mold into one. Obviously being physically and verbally abusive to children (or anyone) is NEVER ok. EVER. Swatting once for your child to get the hint is not abusive in my opinion. whats best in your home and I will do whats best in mine.
 The yelling makes me laugh. I want to see the mom with the 8 month old content only baby that is throwing out judgements to come on over. Put my shoes on why don't ya :) 11 year old needs to do math and is complaining every inch of the way, dinner needs to be started yet isnt defrosted all the way, 9 month old is crawling over to the dogs water dish as fast as lightning, 5 year old wants you to "make up" homework for her to do, 3 year old is having a temper tantrum over not being able to find the right book, the bottles need to be washed, the dog is barking over NOTHING and your husband is not home yet. All the kids have questions and concerns and needs. Not every day is run smoothly. Not every mom is perfect. I am far from perfect and I know that. Do I yell at times? Yep! When everything happens at once (which seems like a trend here) its hard to ALWAYS hold it together. I'm a mother and trying to teach my children patience, but I sometimes need a reminder for myself. Don't you?
 Name brand clothing? Nope, not in this house. For any of us. Whats the point? I have 4 kids.....they all need good quality clothing....we all do. Name brands are a literal waste of money, and my kids will look just as cute in their target knock offs :)
 SO....we are all different families. Have different opinions. Let's just do each other a favor and not judge how we choose to raise OUR CHILDREN. If I decide to co-sleep with my baby or not, it has no effect on you. If I yell "everyone quiet!" to my kids after a stressful effect on you. Or really them. Maybe it's good for them to see their mom say that. I'm serious.
 Let's just do what we think is best for our families, and cheer each other on along the way. Whether we agree on these topics or not :)

Coffee is my friend!

 I didn't drink coffee until Katie came into the picture. I don't BLAME her (lol), but she certainly played a part in my need for caffeine as soon as my eyes open!
 Waking up at 6:30 and rushing to get 3 kids dressed and ready and out the door for school leaves me feeling like I woke up and was in the middle of a tornado! Seriously! Most nights I make Laura's lunch so I don't worry about it in the morning but lately I have been lazy and pushed it off for last minute. A mom can't ALWAYS be 100% on top of things. So this adds to my list of 'to do's' in the morning. I don't even need to mention how SLOW kids move in the morning if YOU wake them up. Funny how they seem as if they ate 5 doughnuts and washed it down with kool-aid when THEY WAKE THEMSELVES UP ON THE WEEKEND! Other wise, it's like trying to get a cow to skip along with you....not happening.
 Nicholas is by far the slowest. Maybe its a boy thing? Or a meanager....I mean teenager thing ;) It takes him TEN put PANTS on! Yep. I timed him. At this age I have instilled enough responsibility in him that I just have to roll my eyes and say "you might need to go to bed earlier tonight" to get a response. Hey it works!
 I do understand....I don't exactly want to get up and get dressed right off the bat in the morning. I need 2 cups of coffee before I can even open my eyes!!! ;) But come on kids....MOVE IT!!! Mama has some cleaning to do!! (as though I'm thrilled to do it? No. I'm just thrilled to do it without breaking up fights, handing out snacks, fixing toys, getting out the bandaids, and yelling "stop looking at your sister!"). Don't act like you haven't had to yell it. HA! I've had to yell things that sound RIDICULOUS at times.
 So....each morning coffee is my friend. This coffee is a much nicer wake up call than my 4 children whining right off the bat. How these little angels can sleep from 7:30pm to 6:30am and wake up whining is beyond me.
 Going to bed early is not always an option for me. My parent friends know that we don't get much time with our spouse's during the day. Between dinner, homework, baths, story time, teeth brushing, Nick and I seem to get a few words in to each other. Mostly through looks at each other. Kids seem to know that when we are busy its the BEST time for them to be NOISY!!!! ;) Other than that, we only have a few hours at night when the kids are all tuckered out and before we collapse in a sleep coma ourselves, for adult time. We have been going all day long (coffee helping of course!) doing all these household and family chores and duties....we just want these 3 hours to ourselves. This is hard at times.
 We have been married for going on 7 YEARS (wow!!) and we have realized that we have to balance not only attention we give to kids, but attention we give to each other and ourselves. This is hard sometimes. I want to get online and blog, or read blogs, catch up with friends and family, and he might want to watch a movie with me. It's the opposite way at times too. We try hard to balance it.....but like I said.....with only 3 or 4 (at best) hours to spare each day for what we want to do is hard.
 Coffee becomes my friend in the afternoon helps me stay up a little longer at night so I can do what I want AND hang out with Nick and focus on our relationship. :)
 This is a habit I need to break though....the coffee....not spending time with Nick lol! I need to watch what I am putting in my is not good for you and we all know that. But some things can be good AND bad for you....

For is good and is my friend :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Is it bedtime yet!?!?!?

 Today was a hard day for me. I've been having lots of those lately, for some reason. Well I know the reasons.
 I've just been feeling overwhelmed, and stressed (and still having this sinus infection is awful!). Ha, I ONLY have 4 kids, what ever would I be overwhelmed and stressed over?! ;) I swear it's as if all 4 kids NEED something SOOOO important all at the same time, everyday. Katie get tired from being up early for school, and some days refusing a she (like me) is crabby and just restless, which leads to a lot of whining. Laura is tired too, and she ends up being that sister that tries to annoy her brothers and sister. Nicholas, is getting older now.....and we all know what that means...MORE ATTITUDE! He hates homework (which I understand completely) but I am feeling exhausted with trying hard daily to motivate him. William is 9 months old and requires lots of attention.
 I love my kids. I forever will. But I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm just exhausted.
 Today we went to walmart to pick up some things we needed. I always feel hot in that store.....maybe its all the people there or just my anxiety when I have all the kids and there are so many people in such small aisles. Don't you just hate some aisles in stores?! Well there were lots of people in walmart today (why'd we pick SATURDAY of all days to go? Isn't everyone and their brother at walmart on Saturday?!) and it always feels like nobody is polite, nobody wants to get our of the way....and yet I constantly feel in the way and find myself saying "excuse me, I'm so sorry, let me just grab this item real quick and I will be out of your way, oops I'm sorry I didn't see you there...I will just scoot over this way a bit. I RARELY run into people with the same manners. (Thank you mom for instilling such wonderful manners in me!) It bugs me because having 3 or 4 kids with me out at the store is hard enough. Now I have to worry about finding my way through the store without being in other people's way, and I'm not getting that same respect back. Is it just like that in Redding? I swear it wasn't like that in Arizona. At least not that I remember.
 Anyways, while there Laura and Katie are just done with being out and as typical children do...start touching everything, asking for everything, annoying each other, annoying ME!! William was tired and past his nap time. I wasn't feeling good from my sinus infection (STILL). It was just everything. I honestly recall thinking "what would happen if I just sat down in this aisle and cried?!"  Obviously I would never do that, but I sure thought about it! ;)
 We got out of there with no big fits or meltdowns (except the ones in my head!! LOL) and went straight home fore nap time!
 It's nice to go out sometimes, but I feel like when you bring so many kids to the store, it is more work than enjoyment sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way...
 The past week has really made me miss my mom and appreciate her so much more than I ever had. She was a great mom to me and my brothers growing up and as a kid you dont see all that a parent does and goes through. Well thank you mom for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! It sure is hard work being a mom, and you have always been a wonderful mom! I'm sorry if I ever made you feel how I felt today LOL!
 I'm trying hard to be the best mom I can be everyday.....but there are days like today, that I thank God for bedtime (and CHOCOLATE!!)!!!


Friday, September 9, 2011

William is 9 months old today!

 9 months has gone by so quickly. With each child I have, I realize just how fast time really does go by.
 In the beginning I always find myself saying "hurry up and be 4 months old already!!", one because newborns mostly never sleep well, and two because I worry about my babies getting sick.
 William had a rough start at life. At 19 days old he ended up with pneumonia. It shook Nick and me to the core. He was in and out of the hospital and just plain miserable. My poor boy. :(
 Those weeks when he was sick felt like years. All we could do was hold our newborn to our chest and pray he would be ok. I never prayed so much in my life! 
 William is now a happy healthy boy! I can't even believe I am saying he is 9 months old now!! How did that happen? Each month that passes, I feel my heart break a little. He is my last baby, and it feels like he is growing up faster than any of my babies have. Why does it have to feel like that?! I want him to stay THIS age forever. He is learning so much and smiling nonstop (except during diaper changes!), he makes us all laugh daily, and feel blessed to have him in our life.
 In 3 months I will be telling my precious boy "Happy 1st Birthday!" I am excited yet sad at the same time. This will be the last FIRST birthday I will ever give one of my babies. It will be a very special day in our home....I will make sure of that.
 While William is the last piece of our family's puzzle, I still feel sad sometimes knowing I will not have anymore babies.....ever. I think every woman that gets her tubes tied feels like this at some point. This just means I will cherish every moment with my kids, that much more.
 So, happy 9 months William!!! My heart is so full of love for you! You have been such an amazing and loving baby. We are so so so lucky to have YOU as our son!  

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I'm finding myself more and more each day....

 I think people can lose themselves in anything. Being a mom, working, school, friends.....anything.
 I lost myself in being a mother. Saying that makes me feel bad but its the truth. I've been in such a whirlwind of babies, toys, cleaning, cooking, owies, diapers, homework, playing....the mommy stuff, that I ended up just
 Yes, I absolutely adore being a stay at home mom. My children are the most special people in my life. But don't we need to be ourselves too? Don't we need to have opinions, feelings, stories, and hobbies? YES! At least I think we do.
 Through the 8 years I've been a stay at home mom, I've tried going back to the hobbies I once loved. Painting, reading, working out, gardening, to name a few. But they just felt different. So forced feeling. So I've come back to writing. It's helping me to find myself again. I love that.
 I am not completely lost, or completely changed. Just different. I'm digging my way out of all the diapers, temper tantrums, and sippy cups to finally see that I'm still here under the 20 pounds of baby weight still left. Yes I'm trying to do something about that. Admitting I have a problem is the first step right?! ;)
 I am seeing my old self more and more these days. Like when my husband and I sit and watch a movie and I laugh about things that I forgot were funny. It's possible to do that you know? Or when I tell Nick about something OTHER than the kids or the house, and he is interested in what I'm saying.
 Play dates, writing and one on one time with my husband are the things that make me feel like I'm still me. I am more than a mother. I am PROUD to be a mother. Proud of all the hard work I do....but I'm me too. Hi! I'm Kristin! ;)
 I have opinions, and thoughts that go beyond my children, or laundry.
 I have a lot of people that ask me how my kids are. I get it. We are moms and truthfully kids are what is on our minds most of the time. But I'm here too. Ask me about me. I have some close friends an family that ask me about ME....and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
 Our lives get wrapped up in work, kids, and stress a lot of times. I know you all can relate....don't try to hide it ;) I'm trying to break that. My kids, husband and running a peaceful, happy home is what is my top priority. It will always be, I'm just starting to remember myself now. I like me and I feel like I'm learning all about me all over again. Maybe it's me getting older. I will be 27 next month and I am so excited to get older. When I was 20 I thought I had it all figured out, was set in my opinions, and things would never be stressful! Boy was I wrong!!! I'm wiser now, and can really say to myself...."Hi, nice to meet are funny and smart, and it's ok for your opinions to be different than before". I think we all learn as we go.....and we all get lost sometimes. We just have to remember to find ourselves.
 I'm seeing myself in the mirror and really seeing me. Just me. I kind of like this girl.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Confessions of a full time stay at home mom.

 I confess....I am not always happy every minute of every day. I am not always smiling, and excited to clean. I don't like cleaning. I never have. Does anyone?????!!!!!!
 I confess....A lot of days I get frustrated when thinking about what to make for dinner.....shoot, that goes for breakfast and lunch too!
 I confess....I don't think every day is full of fun and excitement. Some days I am bored and would love to get a job. I cook, clean, fix, organize, shuttle kids to and from bus stops and school...well you all know. I do the same things you all do! AND IT'S TIRING!!!!!!!!
 I confess....I take a little longer to do my makeup sometimes, just to get one or two minutes more to myself. Most times both of my daughters come in and sit with me and watch me. I enjoy those moments too.
 I confess....I tip toe around my house when William and Katie are napping, just to make sure I don't wake them up. It's nice to get cleaning and cooking done without kids under my feet.....and this is the best time to sneak in some chocolate!!!
 I confess....I lie to my kids sometimes. Look, I'm a mom of 4 kids that have nonstop questions, nonstop wants, nonstop needs. When we go into target and my kids ask for a toy, soda, candy....anything.....sometimes I say "oh, says right here that you can't buy this until 2 weeks from now". I feel no guilt. A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do!
 I confess....when I see a mom with one child I think to myself "oh my gosh....I remember those easy days". I chose to have my children, but that doesn't mean they are ALWAYS easy.
 I confess....I am more pessimistic than optimistic. I've always been this way. I've fought it all my life.
 I confess....when other people's children have fits in the store, I secretly thank god that its not my child.
 I confess....I think people look at me like I am crazy for having 4 kids. I always think of the saying "You think I have my hands full? You should see my heart". I remember walking around with Nicholas when he was 3 years old. I was 18 and a full on mommy. People gave me strange should see them now. I'm 26 with a 12 year old. The looks haven't changed. It used to bother me. But I've learned that people are curious....yes, some people are judging me. I don't care.
 I confess....with all of my children....I couldn't wait for them to sleep through the night. Even to this day, I pray they keep doing it lol!!!!
 I confess....moving to California has been hard for me. Sometimes I regret leaving my family. Especially my mom....
 I confess....I was left very angry after having my son William. I ended up with a spinal headache when the anesthesiologist went to far with the epidural. I couldn't hold or nurse my baby for the first few days. I had a plan. I wanted things to go a certain way after having him. Knowing he'd be my last baby, I wanted this to be an extra special time for me and Nick. I had to go through 3 blood patches to fix the spinal headache leaving me in terrible pain. This was so emotionally hard for me. I'm not over this. In the least.
 I confess....I make excuses sometimes so I don't have to workout. It's not something I am proud of!
 I confess....I know there are things I can do to be a better mom....I strive everyday to be a great mom for my children.

 I could go on.....and on ;) We all have confessions, and most of them we can all relate to. As a mother of 4, I have changed so much, and so have my confessions. When I was a first time mom I was so nervous and unsure of myself. I've learned to trust myself and go with the flow more. I'm not we can see from my confessions, but I am me. I am true to my pessimistic self, and learning to love all of my flaws along the way.

Monday, September 5, 2011


 With three kids in school this year, I am just cringing at the thought of all the cooties they are bringing into the house. I make them all put hand sanitizer on their hands as soon as they walk through the front door after school, but I swear I can just see the germs waiting to jump onto William!
 We take Katie to school each morning, and it feels like almost every day that I bring her, I can spot a few children that NEED to be at home, in jammies, with the puke bucket near by. It's frustrating for me. It's no fun having a sick baby....and we all know it ALWAYS makes its way to the BABY.
 I know that some people have to take their child to school, because of their job....but it doesn't make it any less frustrating to me. For several reasons. Number one being that I'm sure my kid will probably be the one that wants to be best buds with the sick kid that day. It's just my luck ;) So He or she will get it, bring it home for my baby, then the other kids and of Somehow I can never dodge the cooties! And if you know me, you know how often I disinfect, sanitize, wash, boil and scrub everything lol!!
 It makes me frustrated also, because I know that poor kid would rather be at home on the couch watching cartoons with mommy or daddy. I know when my kiddos are sick, they are down for the count.
 I can't judge....I know that no mother WANTS to send her sick child to school and go off to work. I know some parents have no choice. It just makes me sad for the child....and frustrated to know that cold is coming after me!!!
 I need to stock up on more sanitizer. It's been almost 3 weeks of school and already Katie, William and myself have been sick. The rest of the school year has just GOT to be better for me and my crew!
 So mama's.....if you have kiddos in school, you might want to put a bubble around them....and yourself. I at least can't think of any other ways to keep the cooties away!

What WOULDN'T you do for your children?!

 Today I bought myself a new book. It's the book called "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Dugard.
 It's about the little girl that was kidnapped and pretty much held captive for 18 years. Rapped year after year by this monster that abducted her.
 I've only gotten about 40 pages in so far. It's amazing how much emotion a single book can bring out in a person. In only 40 pages, I have felt angry, sad, and everything in between.
 This book has made me think about my own children. Specifically my girls. Not doubting that this very story can, and has happened to little boys, but since it's about a girl, it's made me think mostly of my daughters.
 To think of anything bad happening to ANY of my children makes me physically ill.
 Tonight I asked myself....what WOULDN'T I do for my children?
 I'd do anything in this world to keep my babies safe. To keep their lives normal, full of love, and not broken. 
 This little girl had her life literally stolen from her. It brings such saddness to my heart to even think about. I do want to finish the book, as hard as it is to read. I want to read about the end when she is free. When she gets her life back.
 This book has made me want to go wake my children up, one after the other....just to kiss them again. I am doing my best to protect all of my children, without sheltering them so much that they are afraid to live their own lives. This is hard as a mother. It's hard to find that balance sometimes.
 Nicholas is going to be 12 next month, and everytime he leaves on his bike I worry. I think I always will.
So far the book is a good read (hard emotionally), and I am so happy to know that there is a good ending awaiting me.