Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm not budging.

 Nicholas is almost 12 years old. In 10 days to be exact. I'm so excited and cannot believe my son, my first child is going to be TWELVE!! I remember that age so clearly, and hope he feels as happy as I did when I was 12. :)
 Him turning 12 means I have been raising him for almost 9 years. I've been here raising him, a lot of the time on my own. While Nick was at work....who do you think was at home with Nicholas? Me. Who was taking him to school, doctors appointments, parent teacher conferences, picking him up from school after getting hurt at school, taking him to buy school clothes, toys, throwing every single birthday party, kissing owies, teaching to read, write and SPEAK, teaching to love, and to show respect, to care for others and to be a leader. Me. It was all me. I won't take Nick out of the equation....he is he best dad in the world and has always been by Nicholas's side. I am just being honest here. I've done all of this. I've loved all of this.
 I've raised a child that is not my own. A child that didn't grow inside of me, or cuddle up to me as a newborn. I didn't get to swaddle him, see his first steps and get his first hug.
 I did however get most of his firsts. His first words, his first school day, his first time riding a bike, riding skates, riding a skateboard. His first book he read, the first time he spelt his name, the first time he said "I love you". I got that. Me.
 Being a parent is so hard. Sometimes its stressful and really frustrating. Being a parent raising a child that visits his birth mother is even harder.
 Take your beautiful child....the one you have shared the world with and send him or her to another woman's house every other weekend. Not so easy is it? think it's different? It's not. Not at all. He didn't come out of my belly but he came from my heart. To send him off every other weekend rips my heart out. For many reasons honestly.
 My son is at the most impressionable age ever. You tell a 12 year old something, they believe it. They might question it.....but mostly they believe you. We all know where I'm going with this. Having another person in his life tell him false stories or manipulate his mind to think new thing's is heart wrenching. I can't even put it any other way.
 We moved to California a year and a half ago. I lost part of my son then. I haven't gotten him back yet, and that makes me hurt. I know he is just a victim in all of this. He didn't ask to have two sets of parents., a set of parents and a set of friends. I don't want to mislead you or give credit where it certainly isn't due. I deserve the credit of being this boy's mother. Me. I haven't left, taken a break or held a grudge. That wasn't me...ever. I've been here by his side through the awfully hard times (like now) and the wonderfully sweet times. I've been here 100% of the time. Never questioning our mother son relationship. Never leaving him to feel lost. I've been here. Me.
 I know I'm being pushed away right now. I know all tweens do it, but it's different. There is a core to this pushing away.
 I won't budge. Ever. I cry tears of pain from the feelings of seeing our relationship change at times. I cry tears from seeing my son want to go to his birth mothers house for the weekend. I cry for the tole that this move has put on our mother son relationship. Who knew adding another "parent" in his life would be so hard for both of us. HA!
 So....I've been here for almost 9 years. Through thick and thin. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I won't budge. I'm his mom. Whether he likes it or not :)

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