Overwhemled = Just another side effect of having kids.

Do you ever wonder how well other people really "have it all together"? I do. Sometimes I am at the store and see other parents walk around the store so effortlessly with quiet kids, NO LIST, and a cart full of healthy foods. HOW?!

I feel frazzled and overwhelmed many of my days, and then I wonder....how do other people think of me? Do I come off as overwhelmed as I feel? Hmm.. I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing. I mean, if you have kids I would bet just about anything that you've felt overwhelmed and at your wits end, at some point. If not.....teach me!

I love my kids and seriously have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I do love it. But there is and probably always will be a part of me that feels....flustered. Overwhelmed. Tired. Oh so tired.

What makes things worse is when you have had your kids at school all day, and they come home and fight, argue, whine. You name it. They are tired....I totally get it. They need to kind of unload all of what has been bottled up all day. Believe me....I GET IT. I can't help but immediately feeling frustrated, and then I begin the bedtime countdown. :/

Sigh.....I guess we all have these days. It feels like the day has already been long, and you are so over the day to day stuff, but kids don't care. They aren't really supposed to, so I can't blame them. But I'd do anything for one completely easy, calm, quiet, day.

I guess being overwhelmed is just one more "side effect" of having kids, just like being completely ready for bed by 8pm!

If you are having a rough day too, then I am sending you my biggest hugs, and an understanding smile.

Here's to tomorrow being amazing, stress free and just a little more quiet than today.

<3

First day of the rest of my life.....

I am just going to jump right into this, simply because my thoughts are everywhere and I can't think of a witty way to start this one off.

First off, I've been MIA in the blog world for a bit. I've been dealing with my anxiety again....I know...its ridiculous. I hate it, and it is so over staying its welcome in my little life. But its something I've been dealing with for years, so really its nothing new. It's just deciding to affect my body now, so that's not cool.

It's been hard to think of a new blog to write. I had this goal of writing a new one each week and I totally was overwhelmed so I just didn't write at all. Don't worry though....I'm going to have more time to write, more time to think and more time to find myself. Why??

Because the kids are back in school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.....that summer was long. My kids are great, but they aren't different from any other kids...they fight, they have attitudes, they get on my nerves and I'm sure I do the same to them.

So finally school has started which leads to an abundance of anxiety for this girl. :/ Can't I just worry a bit like a normal mom and not feel like my head is about to explode with worry? I'm waiting for the day!

Nicholas started 9th grade this year. Yea....I'm 29 and have a high schooler. Weird!!!
Laura started 3rd grade, Katie started 1st and William started preschool.

The older kids had an amazing first day of school. The girls have lots of friends in their classes, which makes me happy, and they even get to sit with each other for a bit during lunch. Laura is such a great big sister, always looking out for Katie. :)

Nicholas is in an entirely new world now. Only a few of his friends are going to the same high school, so he is kind of being forced to make new friends. As much as I know how hard that is to do....I'm really happy about it. He needs to start this school year with a clean slate, and I think it's going to benefit him greatly.

William's first day of preschool was today. He's actually there right now as I type this. I can't explain how scary this is for me. It's a weird feeling to be without my kids when they are so young. William is only 3 years old. He will be 4 in December. But I like to make my kids do 2 years of preschool, so they are more socialized and can get the hang of what school is all about. My older kids have all done it and they've all really enjoyed having those 2 years to kind of get ahead.

I on the other hand worry about my youngest. He's such a sweet boy, but he's never been away from me or his family. If he has been babysat, it's only been by family, so this is new for the both of us. I know he will be ok. Deep down I KNOW that things will be fine, but I can't help but look at my phone every 5 minutes to see if I missed a call from the school. I am worried that he will be scared, or that he is thinking that I'm not coming back for him. I'm worried about the stupid stuff too, like if he is thirsty, will he remember where the water is? Will he be too scared to get a drink or to go to the bathroom?

Anxiety......go the hell away now!!

I know, I sound like a lunatic.....but I just worry.

It was hard to say goodbye to him this morning. This is the very last time I will be putting a child of mine in school for their very first day of school. What made it even harder, was that he was totally ok with it. He just wanted to play with the toys, and even though he gave me the sweetest hug and kiss.....he just wanted me to leave.

I figured it would be hard on me. It is, but I have to add here that I am thrilled. I have had children as my shadow all day every day since I was 18 years old. 11 years of nonstop mom mode. I love it, don't get me wrong....but I'd be a damn liar if I didn't tell you how completely excited I am to have 3 hours to myself each day. I can workout, without stopping every 10 minutes to break up fights. I can get this house clean, go to the store ALONE!? I can't tell you how long I've waited for, yet dreaded this day!! ;)

I'm hoping for a great year for all of my kids. I'm hoping they have fun and learn a lot, make new friends and grow independently.

I know I will be doing the same :)

No explanations needed.

This morning I woke up and did the first thing I do everyday.....brush the hair out of my face, stare at the clock until numbers start to make sense to me again, and then grab my phone. I believe the cell phone has become the modern day newspaper.

I read something right away that really grabbed my attention. Usually coffee and kids fighting are the only things to grab my attention that early in the morning.

Here it is...

Pretty powerful right? I mean, I think this is something every one of us should read. Remembering that you don't owe anyone an explanation for your life is really important.

I took this one to heart. I've had countless people tell me that I should forgive my father for the past. I should let him back into my life, and move on. To get over it.

I've really thought long and hard about my choice to not speak to him, and reading this really validated it for me. Why do I owe anyone an explanation? I don't. It's my choice. I'm living my life happily and don't have to come up with any excuses for it.

I hope this little quote means something to you all too. We all come from different walks of life, but at the end of the day we need to remember that we are meant to be here. We are meant to lead our own paths, and we don't owe ANYONE an explanation or an apology for it.

<3

The mom fight,

If you are a woman, and have had a child....you have experienced "the mom fight".

Oh you all know exactly what I'm talking about. That nasty fight, that what seems like most women have with each other.

You are walking through the grocery store and of course now is the time that your little one decides is perfect for a tantrum. What do you get? Not only the stress of figuring out how to stop the tantrum, but you also have all the mom eyes on you.

It's so frustrating. When we should band together and build each other up, we seem to only tear each other apart.

And it's not just when we are face to face. It's over the internet, through COMMERCIALS. I mean, why can't we just say you know what.....screw it. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.....because if you are a mom you NEED one of those. I'm here if you need a sitter, if you want to vent, rant, scream and throw your own fit. I'm here.

Instead we say, "oh tommy is being a little booger in school.....its because you aren't doing THIS or THAT right", "you DON'T spank?!", "you DO spank?!", "you should be doing this instead", "you spend too much time with your kids", "you don't spend enough time with your kids".

It's disgusting.

We find the fault in what we are all doing "wrong". And who even gets to be the one to say it's wrong in the first place? Just because we parent different, have different life styles and see things differently.......doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just....different.

So, I'm here to tell every one of you moms, that you are not only needed so much by your children, but you are doing a great job at it all! Whether you can go on every field trip, or barely find time for homework with your little one....at the end of the day, the only thing that matters, is if your children feel loved.

Instead of having a wall put up between moms, lets break that shit down and stand TOGETHER.

<3

How did they do it?!

Recently I was on the phone with my mom....for one of our daily talks. I told her that I have no idea how she and all the other moms did it, when I was a child. What I mean is.....how did our moms and dads put up with us every single day, and not have the internet to keep them going?

Here me out.

Every so often I feel like I'm in a funk. Life starts to feel like its the same shit, different day. And I find myself turning to pinterest and facebook for inspiration. Life inspiration. Just to remind me that my life......it's amazing.

Yea, I need reminding every once in a while, because I'm a mom and this shit is not for the birds. It's hard, it's mentally and physically taxing. Dealing with tantrums, rolling eyes, and whining are just the small daily things I deal with. So coming to the internet to read things that are amazing....quite literally get me through those crappy times.

My friends share sweet poems or quotes, and I share them back. I wonder how many moms or dads read those simple posts, and feel rejuvenated again. I know I do.

My kids are absolutely a gift in my life. They have given me so much purpose and love that I don't know what I'd do without them. But they are kids.....and kids ALL have those times that they think it's super cool to test their boundaries.

So thank you internet for giving me inspiration when I need it the most. For letting me find quotes and poems that lift me up, for always having friends I can message on a whim to vent, and to offer some pretty great websites for parenting advice.

I don't know what I'd do without you. ;)

<3

ANOTHER holiday?!

If you know me, you know I love a good holiday! I LOVE to do fun holiday crafts with the kids, for EVERY holiday. I love to decorate the house with all the fun crafts we do. I like to give little sweet gifts to the kids for each holiday. I love it all. BUT.....

Sometimes enough is enough! I mean, Christmas was literally like yesterday right? Ok, well a couple weeks ago, but if feels like it was yesterday. And here I am looking online for fun Valentine's day craft ideas for the kids, and gifts for their classes.

Didn't we just say Happy New Year, and already fail at our resolutions?! Why must there be a holiday at every corner?!

Most importantly, why must I feel the need to go all out for each holiday?

Maybe because I already set the bar when Nicholas and Laura were real little. I feel like I can't really take it down a notch, without feeling like the two little's will miss out on what I've already done for the two oldest.

It's just kind of exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids crafts and handing out fun gifts to the kid's classes.....but it starts to become overwhelming, when there seems to be another holiday 6 days after the last.

I won't ever tone it down, because this is who I am. I get annoyed that there is already another holiday creeping up on us, yet I always find a way to outdo the previous year.

So, while I sit here begrudgingly looking for new Valentine's day ideas on pinterest....I will remember the smiles from my kids little faces, when they see the new ideas I come up with. THAT is why it's worth it. :)

Why I write.

Recently I had a friend ask me a great question, "why do you blog?". It wasn't in a hateful, annoyed way. She seriously wanted to know my intentions, and what I got out of it.

I love this questions. I have so many reasons why I choose to blog. First, its cheap therapy. Writing my thoughts, no matter how meaningless they are to other people.....becomes very meaningful to me. It puts my thoughts in order, and really lets me get out feelings that I tend to hold inside.

I have memories written down, that will be here forever. Look at my birthday letters, that I write to each kid on their birthday. I plan to print each one out and make a book out of them, for each kid to have when they get older. I would have loved to have something like that. Something showing you just how your mom felt about you at each age, and seeing pictures of your growth through each year. That alone, is reason enough to blog.

I hope to inspire others. I'm letting people see a piece of my life (not all of it, haven't you noticed that I don't blog about my marriage....hehe).....I want to make others laugh, I want other parents to feel like they aren't alone. I want moms to know they are so incredibly important, in their children's lives. I go through things that so many other people go through as well.....and its nice to feel like someone out there is reading along and nodding their head with me.

I've been so inspired by all of you as well! Any time I get positive feedback about a blog I wrote, my heart is so happy!

This blog of mine has grown so much in the past couple years. I have always written in a journal, and felt like other moms might want to read some of my thoughts. I feel empowered when I write, and hopefully, one day, I will be able to write my own book.

Until then, stay tuned for a lot more blogs from yours truly. :)

<3

Broken

I read this quote quite some time ago, and it still sticks with me. Let me explain. I have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil, regarding my situation with my father. I spent years feeling like I was broken. I felt like I was out of place all the time because, in the back of my mind, I was constantly replaying conversations that my father and I would have.

I was trapped, by the past.

I have since learned that EVERYONE has a past. EVERYONE has some kind of sadness, embarrassment, and heartache in their past. But I was the one letting it control me. I forgot that I wasn't the only one who might be having a hard time dealing with their reality.

I've spent years dealing with anxiety, caused from my past with my father, and finally....after reading this quote.....I let some of that go.

I've realized that I'm not alone. And if you are dealing with a parent who is dealing with an addiction, YOU are not alone either.

I have to face the fact though, that there will always be a part of me that is a little broken. And that's ok. It's ok to have a piece of me that will always be mending. I won't give up hope that one day I will have my heart be whole again.

I've grown into who I am today, because of what I've gone through. So, instead of feeling anxious, or angry....I will feel proud that I've come out standing tall.

<3

29 with a 14 year old.

My oldest son is 14, and is now taller than I am. It's pretty awkward to be frustrated with him and give a lecture when I'm looking up at him HA!

Funny thing to me, is I have dozens of friends who are worried about how much longer they will have to buy diapers for, and I'm over here worried about getting money together to buy my oldest a CAR in just two short years.

I am dealing with sex talks, motivational speeches, girlfriend advice, and some serious LIFE discussions......yet I have to turn around and have talks about letters, how to make sure we watch where we pee so it doesn't get on the wall or floor, how to color in the lines, and tying shoes.

I guess it's all normal to me now, to have kids with such a huge age gap in between my oldest and youngest. It's been a blessing to be honest with you. I can rely on my oldest to help out when I really need it. I know he will lend a hand in a heartbeat, when I'm sporting that frazzled mommy look.

Discussing these mature topics is a normal thing here in our home. The door is always wide open for any talks, that need to be had. I've always been very open with my kids about life. But especially with my oldest son.

He came to me when I was 18 and he was 3, and I've been his mom ever since. He didn't come from my belly, but from my heart. I've had to always be very honest with him about the first 3 years of his life. About his mother. I didn't want to look back one day and realize I would have to tell him that I'm not his birth mother. He's always known that he grew in my heart and we were meant to be mom and son.

He's always been the type of kid who isn't embarrassed to talk about life things, like sex, and maturing. He will bluntly ask me a question, just as bluntly as I give the answer.

I'm thankful though, to be raising a teenager.....I mean, he's my first child, and I've learned everything from parenting him. I've been able to figure out how to discuss certain topics that are very mature, early on so I won't need to figure it out when my girls need to talk.

So, to everyone who is feeling embarrassed about telling their son they have a penis and it's not really called a "peepee", just remember your friend over here who is having to talk about BIRTH CONTROL with her teenager! :/

<3

Resolutions.

It's the new year and I've seen more new year's resolutions on my facebook page, than I can count. People want to lose weight, they want to stop cursing, they want to drop the fast food and soda and coffee. Not me.

I want to become more FIT, I won't ever base my self esteem or happiness on a number on the scale ever again. I simply can't just STOP cursing....sorry mom....sometimes no other words can fit exactly like "DAMNIT!", when I'm mad. I don't drink much soda, and fast food....we eat it about once or twice a month, no need to stop that....right? Coffee....there is no way in hell that I'm dropping that!

Mostly I just want to continue to live happily. I don't feel the need to change anything, or to start something different, that will ultimately end in me throwing out the window. I'm happy. I have my husband and kids, and our home, and I'm happy.

I have absolutely made resolutions in the past. Mostly to lose weight. That's some pressure right there, and I just can't deal with that anymore. I want to live as stress free as possible, and I honestly feel like I'm going in the right direction with that.

Of course our lives can never fully be stress free. I have 4 kids for goodness sake! But I've learned to let things go. I used to bottle things up, and stress about every little thing that didn't go as planned. I'm a planner, but like I said...I have 4 kids. That's a recipe for disaster. Most things don't go as planned here. We kind of just go with the flow...but that hasn't come easily for me.

This year, I hope to continue to thrive from the smiles my kids give me, from the waves of neighbors, the phone calls with family, and the kisses from my husband. I hope to continue to remember how blessed I am, and to remember that smiling at strangers, can change their entire day.

This year, I want to continue to be happy.

Babies turning into kids!

We all know I had my tubes tied a few years ago. Honestly, there are times I seriously forget that I can't have anymore children. At the beginning it was hard. I would almost panic at the thought of not being able to get pregnant. If you know me, you know I'm a control freak. Ok not a freak...well, maybe a little. ;)

I hate not being in control....so months after having my tubes tied, I found myself upset about it. I felt like I had no control of my body anymore. But I was wrong. I made the decision to not have anymore kids. Not because I didn't like having kids.....we all know I love me a baby belly. I guess the newborn is a perk too. ;) I chose to make my family, a family of 6, on purpose. 4 kids....2 boys and 2 girls felt right. The boys share a room and the girls share a room. I couldn't imagine adding another child to the mix.

But lets dive a little deeper than numbers and rooms.....my sanity is good with 4 kids. Add one more.....might not be so sane anymore. I'm seriously OVER dealing with time outs, and tantrums. Adding another child, starting completely over? No thanks. I'm good.

I absolutely adored my pregnancies, and my babies....I adore them every day. Do I adore the rolling of eyes, telling kids to clean their rooms 4 thousand times, whining, complaining, fighting, and all the god damn sticky fingers?! Nope. It's all worth it....but I am so thrilled to see my kids getting older and growing past (kind of) those things.

I feel like our family is maturing together. We no longer have to carry a diaper bag, and an extra change of clothes wherever we go. We don't have to plan our schedule around nap times (is that a good or bad thing? I don't know).

I see William speaking clearly, and not so.....baby, anymore. There are times that I feel sad at how QUICKLY they are growing up, but I certainly am happy to be out of the baby stages.

So to all my friends and family with sweet little babies, don't mind me when I want to snuggle them for a little bit. My heart feels happy with a baby in my arms, but my sanity feels happy with a full night of sleep!

<3