Monday, December 26, 2011

Letting go.

This is going to be a little different type of a blog for me. I am by no means "calling anyone out", or slapping anyone in the face by writing this. This is my blog to write what I feel, think and experience. Some of you might be offended by the things that are said in this specific blog may leave now.

 My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. It hurt me, yet I let out a sigh of relief. I could see my mom wasn't happy and it's true what they say "your kids aren't happy unless YOU are happy". My father moved to North Carolina shortly after the divorce. Both my parents remarried and we all continued as two separate families. Sure I visited my father in the summer time for a couple weeks. I missed my mom dearly during those weeks. My brother Robert and I stuck together through those summers. Flying just the two of us across the country, hugging when we missed our mom so much. I believe my brother and I will always have a special bond and this is part of the reason.

 We spoke to our father on holidays and birthdays....but mostly he wasn't involved in my upbringing after the age of 11. My mom remarried as I said, and my "stepdad" became my dad. He raised me. Yelled at me when I deserved it, hugged me when I needed it and let me know that he would always be there for me. He was. :)

 I moved out of my mom and dads house when I was 18 years old. I moved in with my husband Nick who was just my boyfriend at the time. The day I moved out my father spoke to Nick over the phone, and Nick could barely understand a word my father said to him. I was mortified. Nick didn't know my father like I did. He didn't know that I had a time set in my head when I shouldn't speak to my father on the phone because by that time, my father was sure to be drunk. Usually that time was 2pm my time. 5pm NC time. 18 years old, knowing the time that phone calls shouldn't be held to avoid the drunk talk. Sad.

 For the first 2 or 3 year of my relationship with Nick my father called me several time a day, every single day. Most of the time he was drunk. He would tell me the same story each time. As if I never heard it before. As if I was the first person he was telling it to. He'd cry to me about things he regretted, things he wanted and things that he had done. I was 18, 19, 20 years old during these conversations. Dying to get out of these conversations with my father. Why didn't I just hang up? How was I so controlled over a phone by a person that wouldn't know the difference if I was on the other line or not?

 I listened to my fathers stories and drunk conversations hours upon hours, for years. He called me names many times, said disgusting things to me and completely embarrassed me every time we spoke.

 When I had my first daughter Laura at the age of 21, I not only gained a beautiful little girl. I gained courage. I was going to stand up for myself, not allow my father to control me with these conversations.

 I remember when Laura was about 7 months old, I took her to NC to visit my father, stepmom and 2 step brothers. I was there for a week I believe, and every night of my visit my father kept me awake for hours to talk about nothing. He was drunk and needed to talk. So I sat there awake for hours listening.

 A couple months later he called me, drunk as usual and was being extremely hurtful. Called me names. "Ignorant" hurt the most. I hung up on him. I felt like I had taken the upper hand and showed him that I'm not taking his verbal abuse. That only lasted one night. I was back on the phone with him again the next day, and many days and nights after that being controlled by him across the country, through a phone and listening to his disgusting stories, thoughts and ideas. I wonder if anyone knew he was telling me such awful things. I wonder if he even remembers that I BARELY spoke during these phone calls.

 It took a while for me to open up and tell Nick what exactly was being said by my father over these phone calls. Of course Nick was protective and wanted me to stay off the phone. I did too.

 I emailed him a few times throughout the years explaining that I didn't like talking to him when he was drunk and I always got the same "I am sorry" emails in return. I always felt like maybe this time he'd stop calling me drunk. That was never the case. Two things happened in the past few years that shook me, and created anger inside of me.

 One time my father was supposed to come to Arizona where we lived at the time for work. He was excited to see the kids so I invited him to stay at my home for the weekend. Only drinking. He declined my invite because he wanted to spend his time with alcohol instead of with my children. I was devastated.

 The other time, he came to visit again and he invited us to have a BBQ and to swim at the nice hotel that he was staying at. Katie was a baby at the time and we were excited to have a family day of fun! On the way to the hotel I got texts from him that were awful but I could tell they weren't meant for me. I called him and I could hear he was drunk out of his mind, but he played it off as if he was just tired and had just woken up from a nap. He met us out front of the hotel and led us to his room. Saying he couldn't walk a straight line is an understatement. He bounced off of walls, tripping everywhere, all the way to his room. I grabbed Nicks arm and said "we aren't staying, don't get comfortable". My father was setting up dinner.....burgers and hot dogs. He was slicing onions and being as drunk as he was, obviously that wasn't a smart idea. He cut his hand and bled everywhere. I was so emotional and wanted to leave. How could I keep my kids there with him acting the way he was acting? We left shortly after I cleaned up his hand.

 That night I got home and cried for a long time. I woke up the next morning and emailed him. I told him I no longer wanted to be in his life. I couldn't speak to him and if there was an emergency, I only wanted him to email me. I didn't speak to him for a while.

 I told him that if he wanted me in his life, that he had to be sober.

 Since then our relationship has struggled. I know he is in there somewhere......wanting to speak normally to me. But he is too controlled and involved with alcohol.

 I ignore most calls I get from him. I have heard "I've been sober for 55 days" more times than I can count. That hurts me to say that about my own father. He has hurt me so much in the past 8 years that I feel lost and angry a lot of the time.

 I tried to give him another chance recently. I told him that he has missed all of my children's birthdays and that Laura's was up next. He promised to call her. I believed him. The day came and I got a text saying he had no service. Weird lol!! It's a good thing I know my father and didn't tell Laura to expect a call.

 Sure this blog might be sad, or shocking to some. But it's real, and honest and a lot of you don't know any of this.

 I'm angry. I was angry 2 years ago. I was angry last week. I'm angry today. I want that to stop. Sure I have an amazing life that I am HAPPY in, but deep down I am holding onto this anger that stems from one person. How can I let that person into my life after all the hurt? All the confusion and disappointment.

 I've been told not to give up on him. I didn't do that. He did. I will never give up hope that the man who made me will become TRULY sober one day, and care more about himself and his family. I sat for years talking to him. I was the one he called every night. I was the one who thought for so long that I could help him. I am the one who is left angry and sad now.

 I am working on letting go of this anger that I have now. It is hard and I'm at a tough point right now. My kids deserve to have ALL of their mom happy and at peace. I'm not there yet, but I pray that I will be soon. My resolution to myself this year is to work on this anger that I have deep down for my father. Will I speak to him? No. I can't. I'm not sure when I ever will. That's not my fault. I refuse to feel guilty for that.  

 I love him, I always will.....but I cannot let the negativity from him in my life. I think people have a hard time hearing and accepting that from me because he is my father. Maybe now that they read this, they will fully understand how I feel. How I have felt for years. I know this might be hard for some people to believe that I am putting out there, but for me.....this is step one in my resolution to free myself of this anger and sadness. I hope you can all support me on this journey of mine. :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa,
 First I want to thank you for always leaving so many gifts under the tree for our kids. I must admit name is always the one on the big gifts :) I think its best that way. I do so much for my kids, and you only come around once a year. They never even SEE you, but they are told you are watching....kinda creepy if you ask me. Not only do they have to sit on your lap every year and smile in front of dozens of other kids watching, but we tell them you can see them when they are sleeping......YIKES! HAHA, we all do love you and the spirit of you though.
 Now....on to the important stuff. I remind my kids almost on a daily basis to be good and that "santa is watching, he will bring you coal if you are bad". Well Santa, I've been AMAZING this year. I've been a wonderful mother to my children. Bathed them daily, made three meals every single day, cleaned countless times a day, kissed and hugged them, and made sure they know how loved they are. I provide everything they want and need. I make sure they are warm when it's cold and fed when they are hungry. I make sure they like the clothing they wear, and the people that they are becoming. I have taught them manners and confidence, how to be polite and how to show people that they care.
 Not only have I been a good mom, but I've been a pretty darn good wife. :) Sure, we get into little disagreements....don't we all? We have been married 7 years now and have overcome so much. Raising 4 kids together has been fun, stressful, exciting, and well....darn right TIRING!! We have stuck together through it all and are one amazing team!!
 I've stuck to my promise to myself of losing the baby weight from William. It took me a year, but I have done it Santa!! I have lost 60 pounds in one year. HOLY COW!! Yea, I'm pretty proud of myself and THAT is the ultimate prize :) you can see I've been very good. I think I've been good enough to ask for a gift or two :)
 I'd love a minivan that can fit all my munchkins in without feeling like a clown car. I'd love an elliptical that doesn't make that awful "err err err" sound every time I run. After all....I've had this one for 5 years and its gotten its fair share of love from me. It helped me to lose the baby weight after all three of my babies. I love it, but plain and simple....its old!
 Could you bring me a day of eating anything I want allllll day and actually LOSING weight from it? That would be fantastic! I mean, I've done a lot to lose the weight, but I'd love to splurge and eat all the yummy foods around, without feeling guilty.
 I'd love a week of no cleaning....and the house magically cleans itself. Nick and I work hard to keep this house very clean. We are tired, and would love a cleaning break! Could you do that for us?
 OH.....and a weekend getaway with Nick, paid in full, with no kids. THAT would be a dream! After all....we never did get a "honeymoon".
 These are just a few things I have on my wish list. You know, no pressure or anything......but I am EXCITED to wake up Christmas morning to see how good YOU think I have been this year!!!!

 With Love,
   The real Santa.  OOPS.....I mean....Kristin :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Happy 6th Birthday Laura!!!!

 I am not sure how 6 years have passed so quickly.....but the calendar doesn't lie. I'm amazed at how much you have grown Laura. Especially in the past year and a have become such a little lady, and you make us so proud.
 I remember finding out I was pregnant with you.....I'm sure you remember the story. Daddy called me and told ME I was pregnant. Wow...that was such a special day for us Laura. Grandma B. took me out to lunch after I called and told her our special news. We cried tears of joy that day. Mommy and Daddy tried for a very long time to get pregnant with you. We wanted you so badly, so when we were blessed with you, our hearts felt so full. Our hearts are still full sweetie.
 The day you were born was a dream to me. You were more beautiful then I could have imagined. Just a little doll in my arms, only wanting love. That day feels like it was last month, but was SIX YEARS ago. Wow!!
 You have been a dream to have as a daughter Laura. You are my helper and a great big sister. You are finding your place and test boundaries....but all kids do that and just like daddy said the other night "it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them". Your little sister Katie is your shadow and I know that can be frustrating sometimes, because you want your own space.....but just know that she adores you. We all do.
 Laura you have made me so proud of you specifically with schooling. I knew you were a smart litle girl, you have a gift, and that is learning quickly and memorizing everything. You are 6 years old and reading!!! Thats GREAT hunny! Daddy and I used to spell things out to each other, and we can't do that anymore. Yesterday in the truck we spelt some words and you said them back to us! HAHA! What a smart girl!! We recently had a parent teacher conference with your teacher and she had nothing but wonderful things to say about you. I know that made you feel proud of yourself. You should be proud Laura! Getting student of the month FIRST in your class, and being an example for your classmates are big things to be proud of.
 Sweetie, we love you so much. 6 years have flown by in the blink of an eye. It really is true what they say.....enjoy every minute because life goes by so quickly. I want you to enjoy being 6. Don't look ahead or look back. Just enjoy NOW. Enjoy every day of playing, and sharing, loving and being loved. Enjoy your homework (that I know you do!) and enjoy having your two little shadows, Katie and William. That won't happen forever. Soon they will want their own space and you will miss having the little ones running behind you. Enjoy being a big sister and a little sister. Enjoy having chores that teach you important responsibility, and values. Enjoy having talks with mommy and daddy. We love our talks with you and wish time would stand still for just a minute longer when we have our talks. Enjoy having so many people around you that love you so much. Mommy, Daddy, Nicholas, Katie and William. All your grandparents, aunts, uncles, great grandparents, friends and teachers. We all love you and love the little girl that YOU are. You are special sweetheart. Enjoy being YOU.
 So, 6 years have passed and I couldn't be more proud of you Laura. Thank you for making me a mommy. For teaching ME so much and always being so loving. You are one of a kind, and very special to our family. Happy 6th Birthday sweetie!

 Love Mommy. <3

 Here are some pics of the past 6 years with you princess :)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Happy First Birthday William Robert :)

 Wow.....has it REALLY been an entire YEAR?! I've thought about writing this blog for months. What I would want to say, what I'd want you to read when you got older. There are so many things I want to put into this blog....I think it might take me another year to write ;)

 William, you have been the most incredible baby. Your love for life is so beautiful to me. I knew you'd be exactly how you are now, when you were born. When I saw your sweet face for the very first time, all goopy and smooshed, I knew you'd be a happy, fun loving boy, perfect in every way.

 On the day we found out that we would be blessed with a son, I cried. Pure happiness fell from my eyes that day, and many days after. I prayed for you. You came as a surprise at that time in our life, but I did pray for you to come to us some day. We were blessed to get you sooner rather than later.

 On the day that my water broke, I cried. I knew I'd be able to see my son for the first time. I'd be able to kiss you and hold you all day and night (you got the memo, as you kept me up in the middle of the night for many months!).

 On the day you were born into this world, I cried. When I saw your face for the first time, and held your sticky body, I cried tears of joy. I couldn't stop looking at you, smiling and crying. My son!!! My son was finally here in my arms!!!

 On the same day that you were born, I cried for a little (or a lot) longer than anticipated. The problems with the epidural left me unable to hold you, or even look down at you. This boy that I wanted so badly.....that I prayed for, wasn't able to be held by me. I'd look at you across the room in your little see through bassinet, praying for the pain to go away so I could hold you, and nurse you. There were many times when I'd try to push through the pain just to feel you against my skin. It was the absolute worst pain in my life William. It was worth it. Every minute of the pain, every tear that fell from my eyes, every ice pack that froze my neck, heating pad that burnt my back, blood patch that took so much blood from my arms and filled my back, every step I took with excruciating pain thrusting into my head, every phone call to Gma B. with no other sound from mommy other than tears. It was all worth it and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat knowing I'd get YOU.

 You pulled me through that very hard time in my life. You woke me up each night wanting to nurse. I'd get up, and even with a back in terrible pain, I'd rock, nurse and smile at you. No matter how much pain I had to endure.....being your mommy made it worth it. Smelling your baby washed hair, and kissing your chubby baby cheeks.....those are the moments that pulled me through the pain. Thank you son.

You have had a rough year yourself. Being admitted into the hospital at 19 days old with pneumonia and then shortly after, readmitted with croup. Boy oh boy was it a trying year. We pulled together as a family, held strong and came through one of the hardest time of our life. YOU were what pulled us together. YOU were what kept us grounded, and centered.

 So here we are. One year later.....and on this day, I cried. I'm so proud of you, and love you so much. You certainly are bigger and more playful. You seem to be more sticky now and need many more baths then you did that first week of life. :) That's ok though.....bath time is one of the BEST times of day. You splash and play with an unremovable smile on your face. I have that same smile. :)

 You follow your brother and sisters through the house when they come home from school. You wait for them day after day to walk through that door, just so you can climb on them and play. It's so sweet and you should know....they truly enjoy it too.

 You wake up each morning with a swollen little face with squinted eyes, all warm and cozy only looking for mama and daddy hugs. We look forward to this every day. You have a beautiful bond with me and daddy....but I must say, seeing you with your daddy, as if you were old buddies, just melts my heart. Daddy walks around the house helping with chores, and talking to you about each thing he does. He doesn't know I hear him, but I grin each time I do. I hear lots of "Ok buddy, when you fold the laundry and put it away, you have to put the basket away always want to finish the job you started". He gives you pointers that I know one day you will understand. He is amazing with you, and because of that you are so in love with your daddy.

 William you have been a delight. A simple treasure in our family. You have completed this puzzle of ours, and because of that you are so special to me. You turning one has been hard for me to think about. My last baby, my boy is growing up. I want you to know how much you are loved. How much you are needed and wanted in this family. I love you dearly and will always be by your side. I am your biggest fan, and will forever be here to cheer you on. I love you buddy. Love forever, your mommy.

Here are some picture from your very first year of life. One of the more precious years you will ever experience.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Rest In Peace Gpa.

 It's been a while since I've let myself sit down and write. Some times I think "oh my gosh, I need to write about this!", or "wow I KNOW my mama blog followers would love to read about this".....but I've been in a funk.
 We are all doing well, keeping very busy and excited about the holidays. We as a family have been a little.....upside down lately. Does that make sense?
 Nick and I are bickering a bit, the kids are driving us and each other bonkers. And I know why. We are all just dealing with some saddness.
 Recently Nick's grandpa, though I refer to him as my grandpa.....past away. It was not too unexpected, as he was not doing so well the last few months of his life. It hit us hard when we heard the news though. How do you tell your children that their great grandpa....a man that they have spent a lot of time and laughs with, has gone to heaven? Slowly, that's how. Slowly, age appropriate and calmly.
 Laura out of all of our children took it the hardest. She is already a more emotional child and very in tune with feelings. She cried immediately and even now has a hard time talking about it. Yesterday I mentioned something about her gpa and she said "I don't want to talk about that right now mom". It broke my heart. I'm her mom, shouldn't she want to tell me everything she is feeling?? Well the answer is no. Not always. Sometimes we (yes even children) don't want to talk about something that is upsetting to us. It's normal and I understood how she felt. I made sure that she (as well as the rest of the children) know that we are always open to talking about gpa and where he is now and if they have any questions, or if they just need a good hug, that we are here for them. Always.
 I know Nick is saddened by the passing of his grandpa. I can see it, even if he won't talk about it much. Again, he knows I'm here for him. He became pretty close to his grandpa since we moved here. Lots of talk about cars .... you know.... men things lol! They would joke back and forth and just have a good grandfather/grandson relationship. I know Nick is struggling right now. He is sad that we couldn't visit gpa much in his last few months. I know that gpa understands, I just need to have Nick realize that gpa is smiling down on us and thankful for all the visits we did have with him.
 I am sad too and sometimes as a mom, that gets pushed to the side. I have to worry about how my kids and husband are feeling. If they need a hug or a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes I want a shoulder to lean on too. I know he wasn't MY gpa.....but I considered him so. He was always so welcoming to me, big hugs and kisses and loved talking with me. In his last few months I would go visit him and he trusted me enough to let me feed him when he couldn't feed himself. He would hold my hand and just stare back at me, as if he was telling me an entire story of his own day with his eyes. I'd tell him how the kids are, and whats new in our life. Just anything to bring him comfort. I really appreciated how he let me be there for him. Nick and I would go visit him just the two of us sometimes.....I was very eager to see him and bring him a goody.....chocolate chip cookies, ice name it! ;) I know he loved that! I always hated leaving....Nick knows this. I told him often.
 I know....we all know, that gpa is up above smiling down on us. I know he is happy that we got a special angel ornament for our Christmas tree, in honor of him. Our kids love it, and we do too.
 It's amazing how much love he showed our family. We always felt welcome, and loved. I hope he knows just how much we all love him as well.
So gpa.....this one is for you. :) We love you, and little Laura is so happy that you took her favorite book to heaven with you :) Rest in peace.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It's that time of year.....parent teacher conferences!!

 Today all three of our children had parent teacher conferences. As an old vet to this mom thing, I know what it's all about, and a few things go through my mind each time these conferences come around.

 1)Yay, I can't wait to hear how well my child is doing!
 2)Remember to react supportive if I hear anything not so great.
 3)Do we REALLY need to have a parent teacher conference for a three year old?? ;)

 While I absolutely LOVE to hear wonderful thing's about my children, I simply cannot see any reason for having a meeting for my preschooler. I know how she is in class. I see it. Quiet, reads a lot, scribbles completely outside the lines every time she colors, enjoys hands on activities and so on. A simple phone call would save us all a lot of time to be honest. Of course I would never NOT attend a conference, I want my kids to see I support them no matter what, at every age. I just don't think the conferences are too vital at the age of 3. But hey....we went!

 Katie was up first. As soon as we get into her classroom, she runs to the library corner. Totally Katie. She has been a bookworm since she was born, and I must say.....I am proud of that. Seeing her make up stories to each page, or even try to remember how the real story goes, just makes me smile. Her teacher had nothing but great things to say about our little Katie. Only thing her teacher wants, is to see Katie talk more while in class. Really? MY child....MY Katie is QUIET???? Who woulda thunk! HA! If you know my know just how full of personality this little firecracker is. So, all good thing's, all smiles for this mama. 1 down, 2 to go!
 Onto Laura! I went with her and knew I'd her wonderful thing's from her teacher. Laura has always been a fast learner, she is eager to go to school to learn anything NEW. She eats it all up and isn't satisfied until she finds something that is actually HARD for her to learn. We haven't found that thing yet. So, her teacher immediately dives into how great of a student Laura is. Why is it, that when we hear good thing's about our kids, we get emotional? Please tell me its not only me, or I might be a little embarrassed! ;) Laura sat quietly, complete with a smile. She knew she would hear great thing's, and she was right. Her teacher went on about how Laura is the example in her class. She always says "wow everyone Laura is doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing, lets follow along!" "Laura you are such a great helper" "Laura you solved that problem like a big girl!". As a mother that makes me feel completely wonderful. Laura knows everything she is supposed to, and more. I knew this. She comes home and says "we learn the same stuff everyday". She is bored. The teacher has figured this out, so they will be giving her advanced stuff to work with so she can continue to learn. Hearing that melted my heart. It melted Laura's too. She had the biggest grin while we were there. So again, I left with a big ol' smile! 2 down, 1 to go!
 Now it's Nicholas' turn. He is the more difficult one, it comes with age I think. He is also a boy, so my opinion is he isn't as excited to go to school as a five year old girl. Understandable. I will never understand though, how a 12 year old can receive D's in the sixth grade. It's unacceptable in my home. Truthfully, I'm not even ok with c's, but I am accepting them for his sake. I knew how the conference would go....I check on his grades online every Monday and speak with his teachers on a regular basis. So, I stayed home with the three little's, while Nick got to attend with Nicholas. He is starting to goof off less and less which is great! He is a sweet boy, kind to anyone that crosses him (except for mama the "bad guy" sometimes lol), his grades however are not reflecting how smart I know he is. I told him that, and I hope he thinks about that. I want him to actually put forth effort and see that big A or B on his papers and FEEL proud. We asked him how he felt about his grades. How he felt when he saw those D's......he said "crappy". Typical tween lol. I was glad to hear that instead of "I don't know". It means he knows those aren't great or even good grades, and we made a new game plan for him to get these grades up to where they belong. I feel for him, but I also feel angry to see grades like he has. Have I failed as his mother? Where am I going wrong?? I have spent hours and hours, days, weeks, months, years.....helping him with homework, studying, lectures on how important grades are. I have given him the tools he needs to be a successful student, he needs to take the lead now and get it done.

 So, while we had smiles and sighs today, I feel good. I have prepared all of my children to go to school and learn. They are all good children, that are more different than I thought was possible. They all learn, feel and think differently. It's just amazing to me that my 3 older kids are in school, learning and becoming their own people.

 These parent teacher conferences get to be very different from how they begin in preschool. But one thing remains.......the amazing feeling a mother feels to hear good things about all of her children.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mama's have birthday's too!

 It's official...I'm 27. Twenty seven. Wow.
 I don't have any bad feelings towards getting older. (eek) I am just NOW feeling like wow, I actually AM getting older.
 I look back at when I first met Nick when I was 18 years old. It feels like that was just a few short month's ago. But no. It was almost 10 YEARS ago. HOW?! I don't feel old. I don't feel like I'm a "spring chicken" (thanks hunny!) anymore either though.
 Everyone says "time flies". It's true. We all knew that as parents anyway, but I am really beginning to see it more now, since I am getting older along with my children. Imagine that! ;) I feel the same as I did two weeks ago, and 5 years ago. Maybe some more knowledge and opinions, and experience. Ok, I guess I am a lot different than I used to be. Hmm.
 When I was a kid, all of my birthdays were a childs dream! My mom threw the best bday parties for us. I always felt so special and had a blast. Now in my late twenties (ok.....that will be the LAST time I say "late twenties") birthdays are definitely different. I don't get a pinata, or goody bags, and birthday hats. It would be pretty silly to buy all that stuff for myself and at this age. All I'm trying to say is that, you look back at how BIG birthday's were back then, and you kinda miss it. You being me. ;)
Don't get me husband and everyone in my family worked hard to make me feel special, and boy did I! It's just different now. You all must know what I'm saying. Right???

 This year, on my 27th birthday, I spent the day shopping and relaxing and getting gifts from lots of people. My kids were so wonderful and my husband was all about making me the queen of the day (not like I'm not ALREADY the queen in this house hehe!). I just felt different. Maybe it's that I wasn't with my mom? Probably. I have spent every single birthday with my mom except for 2. Both of those I was here in Redding. It felt different to miss our mexican lunch and shopping spree together. I shopped alone. And while having 'kid free' time, is ALWAYS fantastic.....I still felt bummed. I missed having my best friend, my shopping mom.

 I guess as we get older, we really do change, and begin to lead different lives than we did 10 years ago. Sometimes that's just a hard pill to swallow.

 Since I have bummed you all out now (lol sorry!) I will add all the wonderful things that I did on my big day! I slept in, which if you have kids you know that is a wonderful RARE gift! I woke up to coffee and doughnuts, that my husband ran out to get for me. He had beautiful flowers waiting for me which was a wonderful surprise. They are still smelling wonderful in my kitchen! I did a workout and then Nick kicked me out of the house for some shopping :) I spent many hours walking the mall, and just thinking. It was nice....but like I said. It made me really miss my mom. So, I got home and Nick took all the kids out of the house so I could have some quiet time to read a new book I bought. He came home with dinner from apple bees and some AMAZING perfume from Victorias Secret. I love that perfume, he did a great job picking it out! AND....he did all that with 4 kids in tow. THAT is amazing! My kids were so excited to see me open the perfume since they were part of picking it out. They all made me cards and I got so many hugs and kisses :) We had cake and hearing them all sing happy birthday to me (except William haha!) was just wonderful. It really made my heart light up looking around my kitchen table seeing all this love in every ones eyes.

 I spend so much....ok almost ALL of my time doing things for my family. My life feels like its all about the kids, so seeing them all work together to make me feel special, was so sweet.

 On the night of my birthday my brother set up a skype date with my whole family in Az. Boy was it hard to hold back those tears! It was so nice to talk and SEE my family on my birthday.

 I got flowers sent to me from my grandparents on my moms side. They are gorgeous and I think they might live for a long time! YAY! Nick's parents had a dinner for me, with cake and gifts. It was so sweet!! I enjoyed everything, especially when they all sang to me :)

 So, yes....I'm getting older, but I really feel like my life is just beginning!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

And then there were two...

 Nick and I rarely get to go out on dates. I mean RARELY. The only time we get alone together is when the kids are in bed. By that time we are both exhausted or want to just sit and play on the computer or watch tv. I know you are all nodding your go through this too!
 We had a chance to on a date this past Friday. We took the kids to Nick's parents house at 4:30, and pretty much ran to our truck to start our date. First we drove around....crap....we haven't had a chance to actually PLAN the date. So, we went to Red Lobster where we have always had wonderful service and the food....I don't need to mention the food. DELISH! Nick got the endless shrimp...which was a TON of food, and I ordered the peppercorn steak and shrimp. Wow.....I waited all week for that meal! I'm on a diet trying to lose this baby weight and it was HEAVEN to be able to eat that meal with no guilt.
 We sat and talked, and just enjoyed each others company....and the FOOD! To sit and be able to actually pay attention without hushing one kid, helping another eat their food, grabbing a napkin for another and reminding one of their manners.....priceless.
 We don't get to experience that often!
 Nick spoke...a lot. ;) He always does. This time however, I was so happy to actually hear him. He loves telling me about everything he has done during the day, or new things going on in the video game or movie world. Sometimes he confuses me....but most of the time I am a good wife, and listen to his stories. I love to watch him when he is telling me stuff.....he gets so into his story. :)
 Anyways, after our amazing meal, and even more amazing service, we decided to grab some coffee from our favorite coffee shop, and go to the Sundial Bridge. We walked around together, hand in hand....again another rare occasion with so many kids! Lots of couples were walking the bridge as well....enjoying the sunset and peaceful evening.
 We sat at a cute bench and watched the river and all the people walking around. We wished our time would stop going so fast. Why does that always happen? Soon we realized we needed to get back to reality. We walked back to our truck....slowly. I wonder if we both purposely were walking slow to make the date last longer. Hmm :)
 On our way to get our little ones, we both told each other how nice it was to be with each other and to spend time for our marriage.
 At the doorstep of Nick's parents house we were greeted by our little princess's. They of course were excited to see us, and we were excited to see them as well. Absence really does make the heart grow stronger. :) We got our kiddos home and into bed, and were able to sit with each other to end our date.
 I think we both realized how important it is to focus on our marriage. We are an amazing parenting team....but we can't forget that we are also a couple. We are married and in love and we need to be able to concentrate on that sometimes......more than sometimes.
 So, we had a great evening as a couple, and not parents. We have promised each other to make sure we can do that more often.
 Funny we sat at the sundial bridge, we decided to bring the kids there the very next day. ;) We get to be without kids, and there we are....making plans for our kids. LOL!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Being selfless isn't always easy...

 Being a mother has made me feel so many different emotions. In one single day I can feel 5 different emotions....just from staying at home with children.
 Being a mother means you are selfless. This is difficult at times.
 I knew coming into this that my children would come first, and there would be little time for what I want to do. Some days though, seem to feel like I forgot all about this. It can begin to feel like every moment is about the kids. What they need and want.
 I sat here tonight thinking to myself......being a mother....shoot....being a PARENT is HARD. I am so exhausted by dinner time that it's hard for me to think "oh wow, we still need to clean dinner up, give three kids baths, dress them and pick out school clothes, read and get them in bed." Usually Nick can see this on my face....I'm just tired. He can say one thing to me to give me that boost of energy to finish the night. I really appreciate that.
 Being selfless feels wonderful. It makes me happy to know our kids are always our priority. Though I'd love to wake up when I want to, not make one meal or clean for an entire day, and sit for as long as I'd like without having to help anyone or fix anything. That's not what moms do though....and to be honest, there are times that I struggle with being completely selfless.
 It's hard to be the fixer and the referee, the cook and the taxi. All the things that moms (and dads) do for our children become really tiring at times. I know everyone feels it. If you say you haven't you are lying to yourself.
 Be isn't ALWAYS easy and wonderful to give of yourself completely ALL the time. Every day. It's hard!
 I love it. I wouldn't have had 4 kids if I didn't. I'm just dealing with one of those days that I feel like I need a break.
 Just a break to THINK. How many of you have an audience when going to the restroom? TOO!
 How many of you have to run out of the kitchen while cooking to help 3 kids at once? Me...too.
 It just gets hard some days. The days that you are tired and just want some quiet.
 My kids are such blessings to me. I recognize that. I show that to them daily.
 As a mother, I also recognize how selfless I have to be, and that can be hard once in a while.
 I'm thankful that I have my husband that knows how to make me laugh and remember why I do love being a stay at home mom. And my children that can sit and read for a while giving me that 15 minutes of silence that I needed, the random hug or kiss and the I love yous make all my selflessness completely worth it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Happy 12th Birthday Nicholas!!

Oh my goodness!!!! 12 YEARS?!?!! HOW?
 Nicholas we have come so far. So many years, so many hugs, I love yous, milestones and challenges. It's amazing to see how much you have grown up over the last 9 years.
 I was blessed to become your mom when you were only three, and I was only 18. I didn't know where life would take us as mother and son. All I knew was that I would always be here for you. That I had gained a son. A little boy that only wanted love and guidance. I tried my best at 18 to provide you with those things. I hope you feel that I have succeeded at this.
 I was blessed to see every milestone that is so important to a mother. Your first sentence, the first time you rode a bike, every first day of school, when you learned to spell your name. Wow I remember that like it was yesterday. You were in kindergarten and as I drove you home you said "I can spell my name now....n-i-c-h-o-l-a-s." I started to cry. I was so proud of you Nicholas. I know you still remember what we did. We went straight home and made a cake to celebrate. Dad and I were so proud that you learned to spell your name! You were proud of yourself.
 I remember the first time you rode a bike without training wheels, and the first time you went to the park without me. I worried like crazy until you came back home.
 I remember the first time you rode the bus. I walked you to the bus stop every morning and waited for you at the bus stop when you came home. Your little face was so excited to see me there waiting day after day.
 I remember when you dealt with bullies in third grade. You came through the front door in tears. I had never seen you that way. I was folding laundry on the couch and I immediately ran to you. I knew who the boys were, so I took off.....bare foot, running down the sidewalk to give them a piece of my mind. I had so much anger, knowing you were being teased. I wanted to protect you. I still do.
 I remember all our trips to the zoo, the movies, the mall, the park. Just us two, when dad was at work. We had so much fun staying busy. So many crafts and lots and lots of swimming. Do you remember when we taught you to swim? I do. It took you a while to grasp it. You were afraid, but you stuck with it. I stuck by your side and you got it. :) We knew you would.
 I remember the first time (and every time) that you flew alone. It killed me every time. You know that. I tried not to let it show, but it was hard for me.
 Recently you went to your first school dance. That was so wonderful to see. You talked about it for many days following.
 Dad and I gave you 3 little siblings and you have always been so gentle and loving. It's hard now that Laura is growing up....she wants to be your shadow and you want your space, you are just so far apart in age. You are doing well though.
 All these memories bring such smiles to my face son. We have shared so many wonderful times together as mom and son. You are changing a lot. Growing into a teenager and that's hard. I know that. You are showing your opinions more, and trying to figure out the world around you. Trying to find your place.
 You are such a funny boy. You have always had a great sense of humor. Always embrace that Nicholas. Stay true to who you are. I know all teens want to be like their friends, but you are special Nicholas. Be a leader and follow only your heart.
 Me, dad, Laura, Katie and William love you dearly. You are our oldest child and very special to all of us. You are a very important puzzle piece in our family, and I want you to always remember that.
 I love you hunny, and thank you for letting me be your mom from day one. I've been truly blessed to have you. Through the good and bad, I will always be here for you.
 Have a wonderful, laugh and just enjoy every minute of your special day!

 Love forever,

Monday, October 3, 2011

This whirl-wind called life.

 Are any of you mom's out there feeling like life is so repetitive and going by so quickly? I swear some days I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a tornado. I have 4 kids constantly circling me with all their millions of wants and needs, 3 animals that somehow have the same number of needs some days, and a husband that I don't get to spend much time with, even though he only goes to school 3 days a week.
 I have never in my life been so busy. I have a dry erase calendar in my kitchen that is completely full for the month of October. I have ANOTHER calendar hanging in the kitchen to schedule thing's out past the month we are currently on. Appointments, school fundraisers, birthdays, holidays, play dates, early dismissal days, school projects, field trips, and so many other random things that pop up. I look at this calendar and think.....when did this happen? Wasn't I just pregnant with Laura and going to the pool every day with Nicholas having the time of our life......with no calendar to be seen.
 Life certainly has taken a turn. For the better. We are so busy as a family of 6 (some days I still can't believe we have a 6 person family!), that it truly makes me smile to see my calendar so full. I feel like this shows me just how involved as parents we are.
 We try our hardest to be active in our children's school's and lives. If you have a baby or more than 2 children you know how hard this can be. I remember how hard it was when I just had Laura and Nicholas. It seemed like we couldn't get out of the house to do anything most of the time because of all the things you had to bring, the scheduling of naps.....thing's are still the same yet different these days. I won't budge on naps. As an experienced mother, I know just how important nap times are. I'm sure all you mama's know too!! I still bring a diaper bag full over everyone else's crap (lol) but I know that I don't NEED the entire house with me just to go to the park. It took me a few kids to figure it all out but I'm there now :)
 I remember being a mom of 2 and feeling very bored. I would wake up, get Nicholas off to school and have the day to play with Laura, and clean what needed to be cleaned. That didn't take too long. A 6 year old and a baby didn't make too much of a mess. I found myself feeling like I wasn't contributing much. I look back now and know that a stay at home mother contributes just as much as a parent that works outside of the home, no matter how many children you have. It took me a few years to learn this.
 Now days, I don't have time to be bored. I wake up at 6am, get the girls and Nicholas up. Get the girls dressed and hair done. Get all the kids breakfast, send them to brush their teeth, make their lunches, get shoes on, clean up breakfast, kiss them goodbye as Nick takes them to the bus stop. Change William and feed him. Start laundry, come back in to unload and load dishwasher, stop to play with William and Katie for a bit......deep breath.......get Katie's shoes on for third time, drive her to school, drive home, go from room to room cleaning what needs to be cleaned, feed the animals, stop to play with my little man, get William down for a nap, work out, drink my coffee in silence :)    and back to cleaning, make phone calls that need to be made, fill out any school papers, get William from his nap, take out the laundry from the dryer and fold and put away. Another bottle and snacks for Mr. Man, and play time, pick up Katie, make lunch, clean up lunch, go through Katie's school papers, more phone calls, another load of laundry of course, bathroom cleanup, sanitize door handles and light switches, vacuum, take William and Katie to the bus stop to wait for Laura's bus, get home to do snack time and Laura's homework. Another nap for William, Katie needs to lay down but will most likely lay in her bed for an hour then come out excitedly yelling "I took a nap, now I'm awake!!"....can't resist and let her lay on the couch while I fold that last load of laundry, Nicholas comes home, homework time with him, time to start dinner.....deeeeeeep breath......set table as I break up fights, put a kid or two in timeout, grade homework and feed the animals again. Spend time with my kids while we wait for dinner to finish, and eat as a family. Dinner cleanup and family time for a while. Bath time, story time, brush teeth, pick out school clothes, and bed. Hugs a gazillion times for each child (that's ok I love that), and finally.....yes finally sneak out of their rooms.....for the last clean up of the night. Sigh.......... I'm tired just typing that all out. I'm sure I even left a few things out by accident.
 The life of a parent is just truly insanely CRAZY! I'm nonstop all day and night. Nick does all this with me while going to school three days a week. I'm blessed to have him to do all of this by my side. We have really become a great team. We know exactly what to do when, and what comes next. It took some years to find a flow....especially while adding children to our crew. We have come to a place where we both know what needs to be done and we just get it done. I love that.
 So while my calendar intimidates me at times, I'm happy to see it full. Each and every month I am doing thing's with my family. With my children. These things take up places on my calendar....but most importantly these things take up places in my heart.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Birthday party galore!

 Oh my goodness!!! Every year we get hit pretty hard from the months of September to February. Here is how our birthday's and anniversary's play out.....

September 30th-Katie's birthday.
October 6th-Nicholas' birthday.
October 19th-My birthday.
November 19th-Our wedding anniversary.
December 9th Williams' birthday.
December 15th-Laura's birthday.
February 18th-Nick's birthday.

 This isn't even including ANY of our familie's birthday's and anniversary's and other holidays. How insane! So....I try really hard to be good with money and to buy thing's throughout the year for each holiday and birthday. should see my closet, there is always a gift for SOMEONE in there.
 We just had Katie's third birthday and oh my!!! It was a blast! I try to do our kid's birthday's big, and last year I was very pregnant for Katie and Nicholas' bday and William was a newborn during Laura's bday. I will admit, the kids (except Katie) kind of got jipped last year. I decorated and we got gifts and cake and all that, but I didn't allow friends. I wasn't into it. Inside of me there was so much panic setting in, knowing I was about to have a baby and there were still tons of holidays to plan out. I was overwhelmed. So I did what I thought was best and had smaller bdays for Nicholas and Laura. They aren't I think it was ok. I feel like I'm making it up to them this year though.
 Now that Katie's birthday is over, I am on to Nicholas's. How on earth did all my kids end up being born only 6 days away from a sibling?? I will never know. I can only guess that God was giggling as he watched me realize this.
 Nicholas is getting older (crap, that means I am too!!!!). He will be 12 this year, which I swear feels like a total sucker punch to me. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PAST 9 YEARS STORED AWAY?! Who came and took those 9 years as a joke? I want them back....they went too fast, and I KNOW life can't fly by so quickly.......right? :(
 So, Nicholas has requested....ok begged me to let his friends sleep over to have a campout in a tent in the back yard. At first I thought "NO!!!!!!!!, anything but a sleepover!!" but I've come around to it. I haven't allowed any of the kids' friends to sleep over. I've ALWAYS had a baby at home, and my baby needs sleep.....I NEED SLEEP! So, I guess I'm the mean mommy that doesn't like sleepovers. Which leads me to a question.....Do any of you REALLY like kid sleepovers? There is no way! I need those few hours at night where I can relax without kids! If I have someone else's kid here, I feel like I need to be on full alert, and lets be honest....thats not always fun!
 On to what I was saying.....Nicholas wants a campout, with the campfire....really just a friend pow wow. So he is getting that :) We will of course invite family for cake and gifts, and then we will have food for his friends and I'm trying to come up with *cool* activites that 12 year old boys like. Yea...totally not as fun as planning a 3 year olds birthday! Every idea I have, I get a look from Nicholas like *you CAN'T be serious* grrrr help me out kid!
 So I think I will get some board games that we can all play together, we will do smores, glow sticks, and all sorts of random things. I am having a cake made for him....which seems to be the hardest part right now....oh and the fact that he doesn't want me to decorate! What the heck?! I'm decorating the hell out of this house ;)
 I just can't believe all these birthday's fall so close together. I go for more planning. I totally love the party planning for my kids, to see that they LOVE what I do for them. I just hope they look back and remember all the fun birthday's we plan for them, just like I have looked back at all my great birthdays. All 21 of them ;) ;) ;) hehe!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Happy 3rd Birthday Katelee!

 Happy Birthday my dear Katie!!
 Wow! Where have these last 3 years gone, and how did it go SO fast?! You have made each and every day special for me Katie. Through the smiles, laughs, tears, and have always put a smile on my face.
 I remember the day you were born. Even thinking of it today makes my heart light up. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl....the doctor held you up and let me be the one to say "it's a girl!!". Wow, was that special or what!?
 You still, three years later have the little line on your nose that you were born with. I love that little line. I don't think you even notice it....but I always will.
 Today, at three now, you are learning so much. You are such a wonderful sister and daughter. Your free spirit has taught me and everyone else, so much. You really appreciate everything. The big and little. You are still taking this big huge world in, day by day and you will never stop exploring. I hope you keep this up. It's wonderful to be curious and to say how you feel, to show the world how funny and caring you are.
 I love the way you look at me....with those wide loving eyes. You looked at me the same exact way when I was nursing you years ago.....and I still look at you the same way too.
 Katie you have filled my life with laughter, smiles, fun, love, and such heartwarming charm. You are one of a kind. Daddy will tell you this :) You've always been a daddy's girl. Lately you are a little more attached to mama, but that's because you are going through lots of changes. Going to school, being a big sister instead of the baby of the family, and learning how we control ourselves. That's a hard one. I haven't mastered it either....but we will keep working on it together :)
 You are fully potty trained, no more paci, and sleeping in a big girl bunk bed!! My my my, how you've grown! You speak so wonderfully, and try really hard to get your point across to anyone that will listen.
 Katie we are all so proud of you. We will always be. This world is all yours and I hope you always take advantage of that. You are special and can do anything you set your mind already do :)
 Mama loves you Katie bug. I will forever love you, and you will forever be my baby girl. My little princess with the line on her nose! :)
 Big kisses to you sweetheart, I hope you smile all day on your birthday, and everyday after.

Love Mama. <3

Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm not budging.

 Nicholas is almost 12 years old. In 10 days to be exact. I'm so excited and cannot believe my son, my first child is going to be TWELVE!! I remember that age so clearly, and hope he feels as happy as I did when I was 12. :)
 Him turning 12 means I have been raising him for almost 9 years. I've been here raising him, a lot of the time on my own. While Nick was at work....who do you think was at home with Nicholas? Me. Who was taking him to school, doctors appointments, parent teacher conferences, picking him up from school after getting hurt at school, taking him to buy school clothes, toys, throwing every single birthday party, kissing owies, teaching to read, write and SPEAK, teaching to love, and to show respect, to care for others and to be a leader. Me. It was all me. I won't take Nick out of the equation....he is he best dad in the world and has always been by Nicholas's side. I am just being honest here. I've done all of this. I've loved all of this.
 I've raised a child that is not my own. A child that didn't grow inside of me, or cuddle up to me as a newborn. I didn't get to swaddle him, see his first steps and get his first hug.
 I did however get most of his firsts. His first words, his first school day, his first time riding a bike, riding skates, riding a skateboard. His first book he read, the first time he spelt his name, the first time he said "I love you". I got that. Me.
 Being a parent is so hard. Sometimes its stressful and really frustrating. Being a parent raising a child that visits his birth mother is even harder.
 Take your beautiful child....the one you have shared the world with and send him or her to another woman's house every other weekend. Not so easy is it? think it's different? It's not. Not at all. He didn't come out of my belly but he came from my heart. To send him off every other weekend rips my heart out. For many reasons honestly.
 My son is at the most impressionable age ever. You tell a 12 year old something, they believe it. They might question it.....but mostly they believe you. We all know where I'm going with this. Having another person in his life tell him false stories or manipulate his mind to think new thing's is heart wrenching. I can't even put it any other way.
 We moved to California a year and a half ago. I lost part of my son then. I haven't gotten him back yet, and that makes me hurt. I know he is just a victim in all of this. He didn't ask to have two sets of parents., a set of parents and a set of friends. I don't want to mislead you or give credit where it certainly isn't due. I deserve the credit of being this boy's mother. Me. I haven't left, taken a break or held a grudge. That wasn't me...ever. I've been here by his side through the awfully hard times (like now) and the wonderfully sweet times. I've been here 100% of the time. Never questioning our mother son relationship. Never leaving him to feel lost. I've been here. Me.
 I know I'm being pushed away right now. I know all tweens do it, but it's different. There is a core to this pushing away.
 I won't budge. Ever. I cry tears of pain from the feelings of seeing our relationship change at times. I cry tears from seeing my son want to go to his birth mothers house for the weekend. I cry for the tole that this move has put on our mother son relationship. Who knew adding another "parent" in his life would be so hard for both of us. HA!
 So....I've been here for almost 9 years. Through thick and thin. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I won't budge. I'm his mom. Whether he likes it or not :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Look at the time!

 Every night Nick and I work as a team to get the kids to bed and clean up any messes. We are not new to parenting or running a household, so we are a pretty well oiled machine by now.

 What I want to know is how does time really work? 24 hours in a day? BULL! Some days seem longer and some way whats going on with these darn clocks?!

 Nick and I get all three little kids in the bath (though Laura starts going into the big shower on her own this week yay!!!), get them cleaned while the other is making bottles to keep in the fridge. Lately I've been the bath giver. Do you all love bath time EVERY night? Cause I don't and I feel bad saying that. Some days I'm just not in the darn mood for William constantly standing up threatening to give me a heart attack for the 80th time that day. And for Laura's THICK hair to never seem to get wet no matter how many times I soak it. She has her dads hair. I call it horse hair. Or Katie whining that she just NEEDS the toy that her sibling has.

 Some days are fun, don't get me wrong.....I enjoy seeing them splash each other and laugh....but life isn't always full of like I said....not every night is fun during bath time.

 So....bath is done, now time to get all three dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, outfits for school picked out, lunches maid (oops....there I go thinking out loud again)....I mean MADE. ;) Story time, and then the rush to bed. After we get our girls to bed, Nicholas does his reading homework, and William needs his bottle and to be put into bed. Usually there is a mess or two somewhere to be cleaned up which annoys me. Every night! I clean ALL DAY... HOW can there be any messes anywhere?! UGH!

 Clean up those messes that of course NO ONE made, feed the pets, and load the dishwasher of all the cups from children getting drinks before bed. Have they not heard my rule of no drinks before bed?! Didn't think so. Nick and I pass each other a few times around the house knowing we are just dying to sit and relax with each other. But no.....there is more to be done. Nick must get all his stuff ready for school for the next day, and I need to prepare anything I need done for the next morning.

 While we are doing all this the clock goes into fast forward. it can't just be my clocks that do that!

 How though when its homework time, laundry time, temper tantrum time (if you are a new parent...YES you can bet your booty that there are actual set times when your youngest will throw a fit each day), and yard work time.....the clock slows down or seems to stop all together. I don't get it!!

 Nick and I wait all day long for those few short hours at night where we are a couple, and not parents. We are parenting all day, every day, so when our little ones are asleep we can finally connect and talk without being interrupted, share stories about our day, and just enjoy each others company. I just hate how those few hours at night go by so so quickly. I love those hours with my husband. I look forward to the alone time with my partner in this world. Even though, we are so busy every day, parenting.....those short few hours give me what I need to look forward to the next day. 

 And just like that......another hour has gone by!

Only a mother knows....

 I believe that a mother has the most special bond with their child/ren. I know that father's siblings, grandparents, aunt and uncles have special bonds with the kids as well....but nothing like the bond with their mother.
 Only a mother knows and remembers certain things about her children.
 I've been a mother for almost 9 years, and I feel like there are thing's about my children that THEY don't even know I know.
 Let's take William for example. He isn't old enough to know I know....or understand, but I know that when I feed him and rock him to sleep every night that he has to have something in his hands. Preferably the blanket that lays on the back of my recliner. He moves it around in his hands, rubs it and rubs his eyes with it. He loves it and I love it. I make sure every night that the blanket is there, waiting for him to cuddle with. Without fail.....he goes for that blanket every night.
 Katie still rubs her nose with her blanket, that she has had since she was born, every night until she falls asleep. This reminds me.....she has this line in the tip of her nose that she was born with. I love this little line. It's such a beautiful line. To this day (almost 3 years exactly OMG!!) I still kiss it. I hope it never goes away. She needs love right away when waking up from a nap....I love giving her all the love she needs, and will always cherish her cuddles.
 Laura has to have a book with her in bed. She is my book worm and complete school lover!!! It calms her down after a full day and she flips through the pages whispering to herself until she is too tired to continue on. She also loves to copy anything and everything. She will find a book, a newspaper, a bill (though some of these I'd prefer her NOT to copy haha!), Nicholas' old homework.....anything....and copy every single letter. She has done this since she was about 3. She loves doing it and showing me her "homework". I know that she still craves specifically my attention. She has always been very attached to me.....I enjoy having my little shadow. matter how old he is still loves my hugs. We have had a very hard year and a half as mother and son. I don't want to get into all of that in this blog, but we will just say that it's been an uphill climb for us, that we won't give up on. Ever. When he goes to visit his birth mother every other weekend, he makes sure to hug everyone before he goes, and I feel like he purposely saves me for last every time. He gives me a longer hug than he normally does any other day. Maybe he knows that I have a hard time with him going over there. I need that hug more than he knows. I've never told anyone about those hugs before....they are special to me....especially since things have been a little more difficult since we moved. I hope those hugs never fade away.
 My kids do so many things that mean a lot to me. They are little things that they probably don't even realize they do.....but they have aways done them and I love it. I love seeing their completely different personalities come out, and shine.
 To me, as their mother I melt when they do these things. I can't completely explain why they are so meaningful to me, I can just say that these little "habits" of theirs are beautiful. Only a mother knows all of these quirks. And only a mother can forever appreciate them.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

B-B-B-Benny and the JETS!

 There is no mention of a "Benny" in this blog.....just came to mind when I was thinking about the jets I will be talking about lol!
 Today I had the absolute pleasure of seeing a beautifully noisy jet fly over our house. They are practicing for an air show that will be held this weekend.
 I seriously forgot about that sound. As most of you know, Nick was in the Air Force for 11 years, and we constantly heard the sound of jets on base. Or even when we lived close enough to the base for the jets to fly over our house every day. Though, I remember hating the noise then. They would fly over my house twice a day at the same exact time, every day. It always seemed to be at nap time too. Hmm!
 I miss that sound. I felt like I was back at home when I heard it. When I saw the jet peak out from behind the huge trees surrounding my neighborhood I couldn't help but feel a little choked up. Is that silly? Nah!
 That sound represents so much to me. Mostly my life in Arizona. We all know I miss we won't get into that! ;)
 I remember being LITTLE....I mean like 4 and going on base with my parents (my dad was also in the Air Force until he retired). I'd hear the jets flying, taking off.....or just warming up and I loved it. It was such a powerful sound.
 When I had kids of my own, it felt special to me that I was able to share that same sound at the same base with them. William however has never heard an actual jet. Until today :)
 When I was outside today, I was holding my son and yelling "William look its a jet, listen to that sound!!!" that I think of it, he probably couldn't hear over my screeching! Sorry little man! I'm sure my neighbors thought I was a quack for jumping up and down with my son (again....sorry little man) and yelling about a jet. I couldn't help it. I felt like I was showing him a moment that means so much to me.
 It's amazing to me that a sound can bring up so many memories, many emotions. I wish I could hear that sound more....and who knows, maybe one I will.
 We will be taking our children (unless William decides to get worse with this little cold) to the air show this weekend. I don't care if its obnoxiously hot. I don't care if my kids whine about the heat and the noise. I'm going to enjoy every single second of it. Especially the sound. :)