Friday, August 23, 2013

And so it begins......

I've been doing this whole mom thing for a while now. 11 years to be exact. And even with all those years under my belt, sending my kids back to school on the first day, never seems to get any easier.

The first day back to school is always anxiety ridden for me. I worry so much about my kids, that I can barely sleep, the entire week leading up to the first day back. It's awful, but I can't help it. I worry about everything from my kids feeling sad, and missing me, to worrying about their new shoes being uncomfortable.'s that bad. Like I said....I can't help it.

The first year I sent Nicholas to kindergarten, was really hard on me. I cried the entire day. I had spent so much time teaching him, and trying to catch him up to other kids his age. We had bonded the way mother and son are supposed to. I took on this child as my own, and I felt like I was handing him over to someone else all day. It sucked. But weeks went on, he loved school, and I let go a little. It was even harder on me however, when I sent him to his first day of middle school. It's hard to explain why. I mean, my little son was now turning into a young man......that was certainly hard for me.

He is now is 8th grade. The last year of middle school, and I can happily say, I didn't cry. I missed him all day on his first day, but I felt proud. He is growing up so fast, and turning into a man.

When I sent Laura to preschool, I was ok. It was only for three hours so I was cool with it. I had Katie to keep me company, so those hours went fast! When I sent her to kinder all day, I cried. It was hard for me to let my first little girl go. I didn't want her to grow up. I still don't. She is now in second grade, and is such a little social butterfly. She makes it easy for me to be excited for her. I don't feel that I need to worry about her too much. I know she will speak her mind at school, and ask for whatever she needs. She really made it easy to let go a little, for her too. I thought about her and missed her all day, but I knew she would come home full of stories to tell me.

Katie has gone to preschool for two years. She is now 4 (5 in September), and just started kindergarten. This was a hard one for me. I didn't cry, but my heart sure did. I wanted so badly to stay with her in her class all day.....but I didn't. Not only do I not want to be that mom who coddles her child so much that she cant let her be, but I know her teacher well enough (she was Laura's kinder teacher) to know that she wouldn't allow it. ;) I walked her to the carpet, let go of that sweet little soft hand of hers, and walked away. I had to swallow hard, to keep the tears from coming....I couldn't let her see me sad to let her go. She waved happily, and we waved right back. All day I thought about her. I missed her at lunch time mostly. We have had lunch together for almost 5 years. We sit every day together and talk about what we want to do for the rest of the day. Now I don't have that. She is at school with friends and becoming more independent. It's a wonderful thing, but it's so hard for me to let go.

I feel that sending my kids to kindergarten, one by one, is the first step in letting go of them. It's the first step of real independence, and I find it so scary. I want to hold their little hands forever. And while I know this wouldn't be good for them, my heart still has a hard time letting go.

Each one of my kids came home on the first day of school, with big smiles and lots of stories to tell. We sat at the dinner table for a long time learning about each child's day.

Not only did my heart glow with love and excitement for them, but the happy stories they told, told me that it's ok. It's ok to let go a little, and to let them become their own little people.

And so it begins......


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

One day at a time.

A few days have gone by since the outfall with my father. There have been no further messages from either of us. I absolutely will not message him again, but I know it's only a matter of time before the "feel bad for me" messages come my way. They won't be read.

It's only been a couple days, and as melodramatic as it may sound.....I feel like I have lost a family member. In a sense I have.....I won't have a relationship with him again, which is best for me and my family. So why does it hurt so much? Why does my mind wonder, back to the pain of the words he chose to use?

I guess because I have seen how amazing of a dad my husband is, to our kids. I could NEVER see Nick saying anything even close to what my father has ever said to me, to any of our children. The bond that our kids have with him is so close, that they would be forever shattered if he spoke such hateful words to them. It breaks my heart to even think about that.

I am handling this one day at a time.....that's just the way it has to be.

But, I've been so touched by the out pour of support that I've had, not only over this situation that is happening now, but for the support that I've received ever since I told my story. For the emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, and virtual and real hugs from all of you. For not only the support, but for the encouragement to continue on with a life that makes me happy.....even if that means it's without my father.

So.....Thank you all, from the bottom of my mending heart.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

The last straw.

I am writing this for myself. To let this out, to get it off my chest. It is not a happy if you don't want to read this, I completely understand. <3

Most of you know the dirty details about my father, and my relationship. It is certainly not normal, or nice. It's been hell for me to deal with him for the past 10 years.

When I was pregnant with Katie, it was REALLY bad. The calls were almost constant, causing me to have anxiety. Thanks dad.

I cried almost nightly, praying for a way to fix my dad. Praying to figure out what would make him stop drinking. Thanks dad.

I would sit on the phone while my kids played around me, stuck to the phone because my dad was crying on the other end about god knows what. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, because I was always stuck to a phone. Thanks dad.

Thing's got better when I removed him from my life. I went a long time without speaking to him. Things were good. My anxiety was better, I was happier, and I was never STUCK to a phone.

I let my father back in about a year ago. I allowed calls. I hate to hear his voice because it causes my anxiety to sky rocket. It took me a long time to learn that I'm a woman and do not have to allow ANYONE to control me in any way. Including my father.

I lost so much respect and faith in my father. I didn't allow him to speak to my kids.....not that he ever tried to. And I certainly never spoke his name around my kids. Don't you worry kids are EXTREMELY blessed with 2 grandpa's that ADORE them. Thank you both!

Texts became weirder and weirder.....and at weird times. Leading me to believe he is still a drunk. But I let him back in and I shouldn't have.

Recently I noticed he deleted me on facebook. Which, really who cares.....delete me if you need to....that's ok. But it stung. I decided to ask him why and I got the response....

"i deleted ppl that posted unimportant things such as pics of their dinner and such."

Nice huh? I absolutely have posted pictures of yummy dinners that we've made.....don't we all? ;) But 98% of my posts are pictures of my kids.....or ABOUT my kids. His grandkids. Unimportant? Hardly.

I responded with "its good to know that the stuff I post is unimportant to you....see ya".

That was it. I was done.

He couldn't help it. He had to come back with some nastiness that I can't post. I won't do that to myself or anyone else it involves. I will however say, that I was disgusted. He told me that I must think I have a perfect life....And I responded this.....(I took out part of it that I don't want to talk about)

"Wow. I absolutely don't think my life is perfect. It never has been and never will be. We ALL make mistakes and go through things. The difference between (BLANK AND YOU IS). You made mistakes, brought down so many family members with you, and kept lying about being sober. You lost EVERYTHING and it still wasn't enough for you to change. So you are right FUCK IT.

When I read that I hate it. I hate that I HAD to say those things to my father. But I had to. I had to stick up for myself, to my father.....the bully. He didn't respond all night, so I thought good.....we are done and that's that.

I was wrong. I woke up the next morning to this.....

"what a bitch u became."

I can't begin to describe how hurtful, and disgusting that is to read. From the man that made me. Took part in raising me until I was 11. I'm a bitch, because I stood my ground.

THAT is a bully.

It took me a long time to even think about letting him back in, and this is the slap in the face that I get. That is it. That is the last time that I let him in. It breaks my heart beyond belief.....because for so long I held onto this dream of helping him. Fixing him. I had this dream of being reunited with a father that was not sick....a father that wanted goodness in his life, and didn't just talk about it.

That is gone. Completely shattered. I can't let anyone that is toxic in my life. It affects me so deeply that my every day life is affected. That isn't fair to my kids and husband.....or me.

So I have decided to completely move on. I will not look back, I will not think what if, I will not feel bad or sorry for him.

I've been told countless times that I should forgive and forget, and he is my father so I should NEVER ignore him. It's easy to say that.....but it's not easy to live through this.

I hope you can all understand where I'm coming from in my decision....I hope any of you that speaks to him, will not try to make me feel badly, or try to change my won't work. This is just the last straw.

I can only wish my father well, and move on. I want happiness in my life, and when he isn't life is full of happiness. That is what my family and I deserve.

I will wake up and go to bed reminding myself that I deserve the best.....and I deserve loving people around me. Period.


Thursday, August 8, 2013

Summer fun coming to an end....

My kids have exactly 13 days until school starts. I will then have a kindergartner, a second grader, and an eighth grader. William will be home with me all day until the three school aged kiddos come home. I'm excited to have more one on one time with him, but I'm also sad that Katie will be at school all day. That will be a strange transition for the both of us. She's gone to preschool for 2 years now, and was able to participate in a kindergarten readiness program this summer. I know she's ABLE to be at school, I will just have a hard time letting go of her for so long.

This summer my kids have grown so much. Mentally and physically. They grow like weeds, and are becoming smarter and smarter as the days go by. They have been able to do some really fun things this summer, from mentos and diet coke explosions, to making anything and everything under the sun. We've certainly stayed busy. I RARELY heard "I'm bored".

Since we did so many new things, I believe this showed my kids to think outside of the box, and to use their imaginations. They were able to play together with less fights.....don't get me wrong, I can't count how many fights I DID break up.....but there were less than last summer!

I will be sad that we won't have as much time as a family, when school starts back up, but I will be glad to get my kids back with their friends, and back into school activities.

I thought it would be fun to come up with a new activity every other weekend or something, so that way we stick to doing new things, and continue to have fun family time. I want to make it a tradition to do new activities, or even old but fun ones, each and every summer. We did 44 AWESOME activities this summer.....that's a ton!!! I know my kids appreciated it, I heard thank you, and can we PLEASE do our activity many times. It made me feel wonderful to know my kids looked forward to something new, but most importantly they looked forward to time together, as a family.

I feel as though this summer showed me that maybe I'm doing something right after all. Maybe giving my kids ways to express themselves through art and fun, was a way for us to all grow closer together.

I can't wait for next summer now.....but for now....we will spend the last 13 days of summer having pizza parties, getting ready for school, and of course, spending as much time together as we can!


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Summer fun Day 44!! Milk art!

Hi friends!! Today is day 44, and I had a fun activity/science experiment planned for today. MILK ART! I saw this on pinterest and just HAD to try it out. You can't get better than this should already have all the things you need for this, at home......and it kept me and the kids busy for a while!

All you need is milk, a plate, food coloring, dish soap.

Now, pour a thin layer of milk on your plate, and then put in some drops of food coloring. We did this on three different plates, and we used different mixtures of colors on each plate.

This is when the fun begins!! Just add a couple drops of dish soap and watch the AWESOME milk art form! The milk fat reacts to the soap and creates this super cool psychedelic picture that continues to swirl around for several minutes.
Here is Katie's milk art....


Here is Laura's milk art.....

Here is Nicholas's milk art....

I REALLY hope you all try this activity, it was so neat to see the swirls that the milk and soap made. The kids gave this one a thumbs up, and so do I!!!

Summer fun Day 43! Chalk painting!

Hi friends!! I'm writing this a day late, but that's ok! We have been so extremely busy this week! We were at gma and gpa's house yesterday when I realized we hadn't done an activity! So gma and I came up with a quick, but FUN activity. Chalk painting!

We were outside on the back patio, so we had the kids pour lots of water on the cement, and then had them color in the water with chalk.

They had so much fun being creative, and mixing colors. We wanted to let them be even more creative, so we brought out a canvas for them to create some fabulous art on!  

I liked this activity because it certainly kept the kids busy, and it was fun to see them use the chalk as paint. If you haven't tried that before, then I totally recommend it :)