I am writing this for myself. To let this out, to get it off my chest. It is not a happy post.....so if you don't want to read this, I completely understand. <3
Most of you know the dirty details about my father, and my relationship. It is certainly not normal, or nice. It's been hell for me to deal with him for the past 10 years.
When I was pregnant with Katie, it was REALLY bad. The calls were almost constant, causing me to have anxiety. Thanks dad.
I cried almost nightly, praying for a way to fix my dad. Praying to figure out what would make him stop drinking. Thanks dad.
I would sit on the phone while my kids played around me, stuck to the phone because my dad was crying on the other end about god knows what. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, because I was always stuck to a phone. Thanks dad.
Thing's got better when I removed him from my life. I went a long time without speaking to him. Things were good. My anxiety was better, I was happier, and I was never STUCK to a phone.
I let my father back in about a year ago. I allowed texts....no calls. I hate to hear his voice because it causes my anxiety to sky rocket. It took me a long time to learn that I'm a woman and do not have to allow ANYONE to control me in any way. Including my father.
I lost so much respect and faith in my father. I didn't allow him to speak to my kids.....not that he ever tried to. And I certainly never spoke his name around my kids. Don't you worry though....my kids are EXTREMELY blessed with 2 grandpa's that ADORE them. Thank you both!
Texts became weirder and weirder.....and at weird times. Leading me to believe he is still a drunk. But I let him back in and I shouldn't have.
Recently I noticed he deleted me on facebook. Which, really who cares.....delete me if you need to....that's ok. But it stung. I decided to ask him why and I got the response....
"i deleted ppl that posted unimportant things such as pics of their dinner and such."
Nice huh? I absolutely have posted pictures of yummy dinners that we've made.....don't we all? ;) But 98% of my posts are pictures of my kids.....or ABOUT my kids. His grandkids. Unimportant? Hardly.
I responded with "its good to know that the stuff I post is unimportant to you....see ya".
That was it. I was done.
He couldn't help it. He had to come back with some nastiness that I can't post. I won't do that to myself or anyone else it involves. I will however say, that I was disgusted. He told me that I must think I have a perfect life....And I responded this.....(I took out part of it that I don't want to talk about)
"Wow. I absolutely don't think my life is perfect. It never has been and never will be. We ALL make mistakes and go through things. The difference between (BLANK AND YOU IS). You made mistakes, brought down so many family members with you, and kept lying about being sober. You lost EVERYTHING and it still wasn't enough for you to change. So you are right FUCK IT.
When I read that I hate it. I hate that I HAD to say those things to my father. But I had to. I had to stick up for myself, to my father.....the bully. He didn't respond all night, so I thought good.....we are done and that's that.
I was wrong. I woke up the next morning to this.....
"what a bitch u became."
I can't begin to describe how hurtful, and disgusting that is to read. From the man that made me. Took part in raising me until I was 11. I'm a bitch, because I stood my ground.
THAT is a bully.
It took me a long time to even think about letting him back in, and this is the slap in the face that I get. That is it. That is the last time that I let him in. It breaks my heart beyond belief.....because for so long I held onto this dream of helping him. Fixing him. I had this dream of being reunited with a father that was not sick....a father that wanted goodness in his life, and didn't just talk about it.
That is gone. Completely shattered. I can't let anyone that is toxic in my life. It affects me so deeply that my every day life is affected. That isn't fair to my kids and husband.....or me.
So I have decided to completely move on. I will not look back, I will not think what if, I will not feel bad or sorry for him.
I've been told countless times that I should forgive and forget, and he is my father so I should NEVER ignore him. It's easy to say that.....but it's not easy to live through this.
I hope you can all understand where I'm coming from in my decision....I hope any of you that speaks to him, will not try to make me feel badly, or try to change my mind.....it won't work. This is just the last straw.
I can only wish my father well, and move on. I want happiness in my life, and when he isn't involved.....my life is full of happiness. That is what my family and I deserve.
I will wake up and go to bed reminding myself that I deserve the best.....and I deserve loving people around me. Period.