Monday, December 26, 2011

Letting go.

This is going to be a little different type of a blog for me. I am by no means "calling anyone out", or slapping anyone in the face by writing this. This is my blog to write what I feel, think and experience. Some of you might be offended by the things that are said in this specific blog may leave now.

 My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. It hurt me, yet I let out a sigh of relief. I could see my mom wasn't happy and it's true what they say "your kids aren't happy unless YOU are happy". My father moved to North Carolina shortly after the divorce. Both my parents remarried and we all continued as two separate families. Sure I visited my father in the summer time for a couple weeks. I missed my mom dearly during those weeks. My brother Robert and I stuck together through those summers. Flying just the two of us across the country, hugging when we missed our mom so much. I believe my brother and I will always have a special bond and this is part of the reason.

 We spoke to our father on holidays and birthdays....but mostly he wasn't involved in my upbringing after the age of 11. My mom remarried as I said, and my "stepdad" became my dad. He raised me. Yelled at me when I deserved it, hugged me when I needed it and let me know that he would always be there for me. He was. :)

 I moved out of my mom and dads house when I was 18 years old. I moved in with my husband Nick who was just my boyfriend at the time. The day I moved out my father spoke to Nick over the phone, and Nick could barely understand a word my father said to him. I was mortified. Nick didn't know my father like I did. He didn't know that I had a time set in my head when I shouldn't speak to my father on the phone because by that time, my father was sure to be drunk. Usually that time was 2pm my time. 5pm NC time. 18 years old, knowing the time that phone calls shouldn't be held to avoid the drunk talk. Sad.

 For the first 2 or 3 year of my relationship with Nick my father called me several time a day, every single day. Most of the time he was drunk. He would tell me the same story each time. As if I never heard it before. As if I was the first person he was telling it to. He'd cry to me about things he regretted, things he wanted and things that he had done. I was 18, 19, 20 years old during these conversations. Dying to get out of these conversations with my father. Why didn't I just hang up? How was I so controlled over a phone by a person that wouldn't know the difference if I was on the other line or not?

 I listened to my fathers stories and drunk conversations hours upon hours, for years. He called me names many times, said disgusting things to me and completely embarrassed me every time we spoke.

 When I had my first daughter Laura at the age of 21, I not only gained a beautiful little girl. I gained courage. I was going to stand up for myself, not allow my father to control me with these conversations.

 I remember when Laura was about 7 months old, I took her to NC to visit my father, stepmom and 2 step brothers. I was there for a week I believe, and every night of my visit my father kept me awake for hours to talk about nothing. He was drunk and needed to talk. So I sat there awake for hours listening.

 A couple months later he called me, drunk as usual and was being extremely hurtful. Called me names. "Ignorant" hurt the most. I hung up on him. I felt like I had taken the upper hand and showed him that I'm not taking his verbal abuse. That only lasted one night. I was back on the phone with him again the next day, and many days and nights after that being controlled by him across the country, through a phone and listening to his disgusting stories, thoughts and ideas. I wonder if anyone knew he was telling me such awful things. I wonder if he even remembers that I BARELY spoke during these phone calls.

 It took a while for me to open up and tell Nick what exactly was being said by my father over these phone calls. Of course Nick was protective and wanted me to stay off the phone. I did too.

 I emailed him a few times throughout the years explaining that I didn't like talking to him when he was drunk and I always got the same "I am sorry" emails in return. I always felt like maybe this time he'd stop calling me drunk. That was never the case. Two things happened in the past few years that shook me, and created anger inside of me.

 One time my father was supposed to come to Arizona where we lived at the time for work. He was excited to see the kids so I invited him to stay at my home for the weekend. Only drinking. He declined my invite because he wanted to spend his time with alcohol instead of with my children. I was devastated.

 The other time, he came to visit again and he invited us to have a BBQ and to swim at the nice hotel that he was staying at. Katie was a baby at the time and we were excited to have a family day of fun! On the way to the hotel I got texts from him that were awful but I could tell they weren't meant for me. I called him and I could hear he was drunk out of his mind, but he played it off as if he was just tired and had just woken up from a nap. He met us out front of the hotel and led us to his room. Saying he couldn't walk a straight line is an understatement. He bounced off of walls, tripping everywhere, all the way to his room. I grabbed Nicks arm and said "we aren't staying, don't get comfortable". My father was setting up dinner.....burgers and hot dogs. He was slicing onions and being as drunk as he was, obviously that wasn't a smart idea. He cut his hand and bled everywhere. I was so emotional and wanted to leave. How could I keep my kids there with him acting the way he was acting? We left shortly after I cleaned up his hand.

 That night I got home and cried for a long time. I woke up the next morning and emailed him. I told him I no longer wanted to be in his life. I couldn't speak to him and if there was an emergency, I only wanted him to email me. I didn't speak to him for a while.

 I told him that if he wanted me in his life, that he had to be sober.

 Since then our relationship has struggled. I know he is in there somewhere......wanting to speak normally to me. But he is too controlled and involved with alcohol.

 I ignore most calls I get from him. I have heard "I've been sober for 55 days" more times than I can count. That hurts me to say that about my own father. He has hurt me so much in the past 8 years that I feel lost and angry a lot of the time.

 I tried to give him another chance recently. I told him that he has missed all of my children's birthdays and that Laura's was up next. He promised to call her. I believed him. The day came and I got a text saying he had no service. Weird lol!! It's a good thing I know my father and didn't tell Laura to expect a call.

 Sure this blog might be sad, or shocking to some. But it's real, and honest and a lot of you don't know any of this.

 I'm angry. I was angry 2 years ago. I was angry last week. I'm angry today. I want that to stop. Sure I have an amazing life that I am HAPPY in, but deep down I am holding onto this anger that stems from one person. How can I let that person into my life after all the hurt? All the confusion and disappointment.

 I've been told not to give up on him. I didn't do that. He did. I will never give up hope that the man who made me will become TRULY sober one day, and care more about himself and his family. I sat for years talking to him. I was the one he called every night. I was the one who thought for so long that I could help him. I am the one who is left angry and sad now.

 I am working on letting go of this anger that I have now. It is hard and I'm at a tough point right now. My kids deserve to have ALL of their mom happy and at peace. I'm not there yet, but I pray that I will be soon. My resolution to myself this year is to work on this anger that I have deep down for my father. Will I speak to him? No. I can't. I'm not sure when I ever will. That's not my fault. I refuse to feel guilty for that.  

 I love him, I always will.....but I cannot let the negativity from him in my life. I think people have a hard time hearing and accepting that from me because he is my father. Maybe now that they read this, they will fully understand how I feel. How I have felt for years. I know this might be hard for some people to believe that I am putting out there, but for me.....this is step one in my resolution to free myself of this anger and sadness. I hope you can all support me on this journey of mine. :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa,
 First I want to thank you for always leaving so many gifts under the tree for our kids. I must admit name is always the one on the big gifts :) I think its best that way. I do so much for my kids, and you only come around once a year. They never even SEE you, but they are told you are watching....kinda creepy if you ask me. Not only do they have to sit on your lap every year and smile in front of dozens of other kids watching, but we tell them you can see them when they are sleeping......YIKES! HAHA, we all do love you and the spirit of you though.
 Now....on to the important stuff. I remind my kids almost on a daily basis to be good and that "santa is watching, he will bring you coal if you are bad". Well Santa, I've been AMAZING this year. I've been a wonderful mother to my children. Bathed them daily, made three meals every single day, cleaned countless times a day, kissed and hugged them, and made sure they know how loved they are. I provide everything they want and need. I make sure they are warm when it's cold and fed when they are hungry. I make sure they like the clothing they wear, and the people that they are becoming. I have taught them manners and confidence, how to be polite and how to show people that they care.
 Not only have I been a good mom, but I've been a pretty darn good wife. :) Sure, we get into little disagreements....don't we all? We have been married 7 years now and have overcome so much. Raising 4 kids together has been fun, stressful, exciting, and well....darn right TIRING!! We have stuck together through it all and are one amazing team!!
 I've stuck to my promise to myself of losing the baby weight from William. It took me a year, but I have done it Santa!! I have lost 60 pounds in one year. HOLY COW!! Yea, I'm pretty proud of myself and THAT is the ultimate prize :) you can see I've been very good. I think I've been good enough to ask for a gift or two :)
 I'd love a minivan that can fit all my munchkins in without feeling like a clown car. I'd love an elliptical that doesn't make that awful "err err err" sound every time I run. After all....I've had this one for 5 years and its gotten its fair share of love from me. It helped me to lose the baby weight after all three of my babies. I love it, but plain and simple....its old!
 Could you bring me a day of eating anything I want allllll day and actually LOSING weight from it? That would be fantastic! I mean, I've done a lot to lose the weight, but I'd love to splurge and eat all the yummy foods around, without feeling guilty.
 I'd love a week of no cleaning....and the house magically cleans itself. Nick and I work hard to keep this house very clean. We are tired, and would love a cleaning break! Could you do that for us?
 OH.....and a weekend getaway with Nick, paid in full, with no kids. THAT would be a dream! After all....we never did get a "honeymoon".
 These are just a few things I have on my wish list. You know, no pressure or anything......but I am EXCITED to wake up Christmas morning to see how good YOU think I have been this year!!!!

 With Love,
   The real Santa.  OOPS.....I mean....Kristin :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Happy 6th Birthday Laura!!!!

 I am not sure how 6 years have passed so quickly.....but the calendar doesn't lie. I'm amazed at how much you have grown Laura. Especially in the past year and a have become such a little lady, and you make us so proud.
 I remember finding out I was pregnant with you.....I'm sure you remember the story. Daddy called me and told ME I was pregnant. Wow...that was such a special day for us Laura. Grandma B. took me out to lunch after I called and told her our special news. We cried tears of joy that day. Mommy and Daddy tried for a very long time to get pregnant with you. We wanted you so badly, so when we were blessed with you, our hearts felt so full. Our hearts are still full sweetie.
 The day you were born was a dream to me. You were more beautiful then I could have imagined. Just a little doll in my arms, only wanting love. That day feels like it was last month, but was SIX YEARS ago. Wow!!
 You have been a dream to have as a daughter Laura. You are my helper and a great big sister. You are finding your place and test boundaries....but all kids do that and just like daddy said the other night "it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them". Your little sister Katie is your shadow and I know that can be frustrating sometimes, because you want your own space.....but just know that she adores you. We all do.
 Laura you have made me so proud of you specifically with schooling. I knew you were a smart litle girl, you have a gift, and that is learning quickly and memorizing everything. You are 6 years old and reading!!! Thats GREAT hunny! Daddy and I used to spell things out to each other, and we can't do that anymore. Yesterday in the truck we spelt some words and you said them back to us! HAHA! What a smart girl!! We recently had a parent teacher conference with your teacher and she had nothing but wonderful things to say about you. I know that made you feel proud of yourself. You should be proud Laura! Getting student of the month FIRST in your class, and being an example for your classmates are big things to be proud of.
 Sweetie, we love you so much. 6 years have flown by in the blink of an eye. It really is true what they say.....enjoy every minute because life goes by so quickly. I want you to enjoy being 6. Don't look ahead or look back. Just enjoy NOW. Enjoy every day of playing, and sharing, loving and being loved. Enjoy your homework (that I know you do!) and enjoy having your two little shadows, Katie and William. That won't happen forever. Soon they will want their own space and you will miss having the little ones running behind you. Enjoy being a big sister and a little sister. Enjoy having chores that teach you important responsibility, and values. Enjoy having talks with mommy and daddy. We love our talks with you and wish time would stand still for just a minute longer when we have our talks. Enjoy having so many people around you that love you so much. Mommy, Daddy, Nicholas, Katie and William. All your grandparents, aunts, uncles, great grandparents, friends and teachers. We all love you and love the little girl that YOU are. You are special sweetheart. Enjoy being YOU.
 So, 6 years have passed and I couldn't be more proud of you Laura. Thank you for making me a mommy. For teaching ME so much and always being so loving. You are one of a kind, and very special to our family. Happy 6th Birthday sweetie!

 Love Mommy. <3

 Here are some pics of the past 6 years with you princess :)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Happy First Birthday William Robert :)

 Wow.....has it REALLY been an entire YEAR?! I've thought about writing this blog for months. What I would want to say, what I'd want you to read when you got older. There are so many things I want to put into this blog....I think it might take me another year to write ;)

 William, you have been the most incredible baby. Your love for life is so beautiful to me. I knew you'd be exactly how you are now, when you were born. When I saw your sweet face for the very first time, all goopy and smooshed, I knew you'd be a happy, fun loving boy, perfect in every way.

 On the day we found out that we would be blessed with a son, I cried. Pure happiness fell from my eyes that day, and many days after. I prayed for you. You came as a surprise at that time in our life, but I did pray for you to come to us some day. We were blessed to get you sooner rather than later.

 On the day that my water broke, I cried. I knew I'd be able to see my son for the first time. I'd be able to kiss you and hold you all day and night (you got the memo, as you kept me up in the middle of the night for many months!).

 On the day you were born into this world, I cried. When I saw your face for the first time, and held your sticky body, I cried tears of joy. I couldn't stop looking at you, smiling and crying. My son!!! My son was finally here in my arms!!!

 On the same day that you were born, I cried for a little (or a lot) longer than anticipated. The problems with the epidural left me unable to hold you, or even look down at you. This boy that I wanted so badly.....that I prayed for, wasn't able to be held by me. I'd look at you across the room in your little see through bassinet, praying for the pain to go away so I could hold you, and nurse you. There were many times when I'd try to push through the pain just to feel you against my skin. It was the absolute worst pain in my life William. It was worth it. Every minute of the pain, every tear that fell from my eyes, every ice pack that froze my neck, heating pad that burnt my back, blood patch that took so much blood from my arms and filled my back, every step I took with excruciating pain thrusting into my head, every phone call to Gma B. with no other sound from mommy other than tears. It was all worth it and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat knowing I'd get YOU.

 You pulled me through that very hard time in my life. You woke me up each night wanting to nurse. I'd get up, and even with a back in terrible pain, I'd rock, nurse and smile at you. No matter how much pain I had to endure.....being your mommy made it worth it. Smelling your baby washed hair, and kissing your chubby baby cheeks.....those are the moments that pulled me through the pain. Thank you son.

You have had a rough year yourself. Being admitted into the hospital at 19 days old with pneumonia and then shortly after, readmitted with croup. Boy oh boy was it a trying year. We pulled together as a family, held strong and came through one of the hardest time of our life. YOU were what pulled us together. YOU were what kept us grounded, and centered.

 So here we are. One year later.....and on this day, I cried. I'm so proud of you, and love you so much. You certainly are bigger and more playful. You seem to be more sticky now and need many more baths then you did that first week of life. :) That's ok though.....bath time is one of the BEST times of day. You splash and play with an unremovable smile on your face. I have that same smile. :)

 You follow your brother and sisters through the house when they come home from school. You wait for them day after day to walk through that door, just so you can climb on them and play. It's so sweet and you should know....they truly enjoy it too.

 You wake up each morning with a swollen little face with squinted eyes, all warm and cozy only looking for mama and daddy hugs. We look forward to this every day. You have a beautiful bond with me and daddy....but I must say, seeing you with your daddy, as if you were old buddies, just melts my heart. Daddy walks around the house helping with chores, and talking to you about each thing he does. He doesn't know I hear him, but I grin each time I do. I hear lots of "Ok buddy, when you fold the laundry and put it away, you have to put the basket away always want to finish the job you started". He gives you pointers that I know one day you will understand. He is amazing with you, and because of that you are so in love with your daddy.

 William you have been a delight. A simple treasure in our family. You have completed this puzzle of ours, and because of that you are so special to me. You turning one has been hard for me to think about. My last baby, my boy is growing up. I want you to know how much you are loved. How much you are needed and wanted in this family. I love you dearly and will always be by your side. I am your biggest fan, and will forever be here to cheer you on. I love you buddy. Love forever, your mommy.

Here are some picture from your very first year of life. One of the more precious years you will ever experience.