Thursday, September 15, 2011

With just a phone call....

 Being away from my mom and the rest of my family for the past year and a half has left me feeling like a piece of me is missing. I know not everyone understands my feelings.....and that makes me sad.
 I'm so close to my mom that with just a phone call she can make me feel like she is sitting right here next to me. I enjoy our talks. It's rare that I can sit and enjoy a talk with her for more than 10 minutes without being interrupted by one of my children, or Lacey needing to go the times I DO get to just TALK with her....I am especially grateful.
 I have felt a big mountain of guilt since moving away from my family. Guilt that my children aren't able to see their family in Arizona. Guilt that my family isn't able to see my children. I miss them dearly. Not one day has gone by that I have not thought about them.
 I feel like I am missing so much with them, and that's hard to think about at times. I know they are all doing well and are happy....but I can just about guarantee.....they wish we had never moved. :)
 A few months ago my mom called me and left a message. She rarely leaves messages. I just call her back if I see I have missed her call. It KILLS me to see when she leaves a message for me because each and every time I get this knot at the pit of my stomach, only thinking the worst. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. Just like if your phone rings at think the worst. Maybe it's just me lol!
 I called my mom back to find out she just wanted to talk a bit and see how I was, and that my youngest brother Donnie had chocked on a piece of candy. I cried when she told me this. She cried too. I was scared that I could have lost my brother. My mom had to do the heimlich maneuver on him, which just thinking about brings me to tears. I felt guilty that I wasn't there for them at that moment. That I wasn't able to offer my mom a hug when I could tell she needed one the most.
 My mom has heard me cry on the phone more times than I can count since we have been in Redding. Over countless things. I'm sure she felt the same way as I did. Wishing she could offer me a hug when I needed one the most. It's ok though.....I felt those hugs when I needed them, just by a simple phone call.
 I remember after I had William, I ended up with a spinal headache leaving me in the worst pain of my life. Literally. I can remember laying in my bed calling her, wishing I would die, just to escape the pain. These thoughts are hard for me to type out. Those are very open wounds with me still.
 My mom cried on the other end.....and sometimes with no sound going through either phone....I felt like she was hugging me. She got me through that hard time in my life......and from this far away. I had so much help from so many people.....but my mom is what pulled me through.
 As you can see, there have been many times where both my mom and myself really needed each other, and through a simple phone call....we were both there. I love you and I miss you more than you know. do know ;) I promise I am giving you those hugs when I know you need them....and I am feeling the hugs from you every single day.

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