Monday, May 28, 2012

Blown Away.

 I haven't posted about the issue with my father in a while, so I figured, now is as good a time as any.

 If you've followed my blogs, you should know most everything that has happened with my father and me. If not, go take a look back because I can't make THAT story a "short story" ;)

 I haven't had much contact with him in the past couple months. He did text me a random "hi" a couple weeks ago. I didn't reply, so that apparently made him feel he had the right to say "I take that as a get lost, ok". He couldn't have just said...."Kristin, you know, I really want to apologize for whatever I have put you through". No, that would be taking responsibility, and we just can't have that! ;)

 It's funny to me. People in this crazy messed up world, will put OTHER people through grief, and even years later don't ever get the inkling to apologize, or even address what may be the issue. Why is that?

 Why is it ok?

 We watched a movie a while ago, I can't remember the name, but it kinda went like this.

 Dad is a drunk during his son's life, is a total screw up, boy turns into a man and says "no more".  Dad cleans himself up years later and tries to reconnect with son. Son has children and a marriage of his own, doesn't want anything to do with dad. Dad takes it hard.

 I honestly can't say I remember the hit too close to home for me to pay attention.

 My point is.......I've had several people point this movie out to me. "what if your dad is like THAT dad, and really is sober now and wants to reconnect?"
 What about it? Why is it ok to do whatever you want to do, screw up your life so bad, hurt your children deeply, and decide one day that you will "change", and now your kids, or whoever has been hurt, has to let you back in? Why?

 How does that make sense? I don't know, I will never be able to truly wrap my head around that. When you deeply hurt someone, chances are they will not let it happen again.

 I won't. I've seen too much, heard too much and been put through too much.

 I feel angry still and I guess maybe bitter? I can admit that. I'm tired of hearing "give him a chance." I have. Most people don't realize just how many chances I have given this man that I call my father, because I simply never put it out there. I didn't tell people each and every time he said he was clean and on day 60 of being sober, just to call me the next week saying he was on day 89 of being sober. My my my......a sober man should be able to count, right?

 I went through that for years. I can't count how many chances I've given him, to be a good.....shit a HALF good dad. Yet, people come to me as if I'm bad for turning my back after years of this. Am I supposed to spend my life going through this every month? Putting my kids on hold, while I sit and listen to his drunk calls? I won't. Pin me as the bad daughter I guess, but while you do that, remember that I'm choosing to be a good mother.

 I heard a song called "Blown Away" by Carrie Underwood, a couple days ago. I was just that....blown away. The lyrics were as if I wrote them. I had tears in my eyes because it felt like it was meant for me to hear. I want all those memories blown away. I try to look back on memories that were good with him, and I can come up with a handful. I'm glad I have those, but most of my memories are littered with a drunk dad.

 I'm trying hard in my own way to move on slowly. I don't see him as a dad to me. He didn't raise me, and he certainly didn't talk to me the way a dad should talk to his daughter. I'm at the point now where I'm trying to have these memories blown away. I will hold onto the good and be thankful that I have them......but the bad ones need to go away. I don't have room for them.

 One day, he will realize all the pain he has caused, and maybe he will even apologize. I could really use that, to be honest. For now, I will focus on my children.....on raising them right, with love and wonderful memories.

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