Thursday, October 11, 2012

Doing so much and feeling like it's not enough.

Do any of you feel that way sometimes? Oh please, I know you do. I CAN'T be the only one. I've been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years now. I seriously can't believe I just said that. Typed it? Whatever. Anyway, 10 years is a LONG time!

Today wasn't a great day for me. I will admit that being a stay at home mom has many challenges. Keeping your sanity is probably number one ;) My life literally revolves around every person in my family. Around their schedules. I feel two ways about this. Frustrated. What about me?! And yet at the same time, I feel blessed. Proud that I am that mom, that is so involved.

Today I was up at 6am (thank you sweet Katie), and immediately got ready, then got the kids ready for school. Dropped off the older two and then took Katie to her dental appointment (who by the way, has perfect teeth....pat on my back.....just one of those mama proud moments) I then took her to walmart to pick up a few things, including Clorox wipes.....where the hell do they all end up going....and a new preschool workbook for my Katie bug, who has become eager to have her own "homework". We ran home quickly, dropped off everything, kissed Nick and the kids goodbye and drove to Lauras school to help out in her class, which I do every Thursday. I was there for a couple hours. I got into my truck to come home and ouch.....bad headache. Great! Yet no surprise being in a room full of first graders! ;)

I came home and Nick had to get to school early so he could study for a couple exams. He's been gone since 1pm. I made lunch, cleaned up lunch, got kids to take a nap, and then just as quickly, had to get them up, so we could get Laura from the bus stop. Did homework, Nicholas came home, had him do his homework, made a big dinner with my little boy, who  all of a sudden has this itch to help mama cook. I don't mind. :) After dinner we played outside (mind you this headache is laughing at me, at the mere thought of it going away any time soon) and then came inside once I felt my head was JUST about to explode. It didn't. hehe. Got my babies in the bath, Laura took her shower and I had Nicholas vacuum for me. Thank god for having a teenager that is capable of helping out. Books were read, teeth brushed, and kisses were given out. My two little ones are in bed while the two older's are still up.

I do all this usually on a day to day basis. When Nick is home, he is the best dad, and does SO of course I LOVE when he is home.

I haven't mentioned the most important things that I must accomplish daily. Raising my kids. I'm not talking about the nose wiping, and the feeding. I'm talking about teaching them how to behave, how to love and share and have manners. How to care for others, and themselves. I mean, you know, the list goes on. Sometimes, at the end of the day I think to myself.....did I do enough? Did I give this child enough love? Did he feel left out? Did I ignore her when she was asking a question about homework, because once again her brother was DYING for my attention at that exact moment? Did I yell when I should have taken a breath and gathered myself? I go through this nightly. And many nights I tell myself "tomorrow is a new day".....I try hard every day to be a great mom. To be involved, loving, a good role model, and somehow fit in a minute to remain myself, Kristin. I forget about me a lot. I type my name sometimes and think wow....I forgot I have a name. You may laugh, but it's true. I am mom, or hunny. I am "help me" and "have you seen?".

There are days that I wonder how I got through. I absolutely adore each one of my children, but I am not perfect. I get angry and frustrated, overwhelmed and irritated. It's been almost 10 years, and I am still learning, each day. Some days I wake up so excited to do my thing. My mommy thing. This was a choice for me. I didn't accidentally become a mother, and a stay at home one at that. Then there are days that I feel like I slept for 20 minutes and I have to do it all again.

The immediate needs are met for every one of my kids. They are fed, clothed, clean, loved, safe, warm and protected. The long term needs are what every mother (and father) really worries about. Are we screwing up our kids if we lose our cool sometimes? Is it mean to tell them "I just don't want to play right now." ??? I can't be "on" all the time. Sometimes I need to sit and blink, without a kid asking for help with getting the hair ties out of barbies hair, or listening to a 10 minute story about the bus ride home.

I love them, and all of their stories......but mama needs a minute, sometimes!

I've found sleep is the cure all. Really. Tonight I will go to sleep and tomorrow I will wake up ready to go at it again. Mommy mode is so much nicer when we are well rested! I'm learning to not second guess myself each night. To know that sometimes kids have to entertain themselves, and its ok to require some time for ourselves.

Each year I am learning new things, about my kids, and myself. It's a hard job......and even when I am doing so much and feeling like its not enough.....I still love it.

No comments:

Post a Comment