Saturday, January 28, 2012

When does it get better?

 I'm feeling particularly anxious lately. For three days in a row now, I've felt nervous, and worried. I'm so tired, and just want to not feel my heart race.

 I've been dealing with some anxiety issues since I was pregnant with Katie. At least, that's when I began to notice it. I'm sure we all deal with degrees of's normal, but right now I'm more anxious than normal. I think it does stem from my father. All the issues I've dealt with over the years.

 I will just be doing my normal day to day stuff and all of a sudden feel hot, and worried. I think to myself "what am I so nervous about?" and then before I can blink I'm thinking and worrying about every possible thing to worry about. Kids, finances....everything. We all have these same worries and stress's. Today is bugging me though. It's the 3rd day I've felt like this (several times each day) and each time I feel anxious, I also feel emotional.

 Tonight for example......I all of a sudden feel my heart racing and am taking deep breaths. I become immediately emotional thinking about how it was my fathers birthday recently and I didn't want to call him. I didn't speak to him. Then my mind switches to wow.....I never got to take a bath with William when he was a newborn.....that's so sad for me. That was a big deal for me when I had my girls....and I missed out on that with William because of the epidural problems.

 Sigh......I guess I just need to vent....or ramble about how I'm feeling right now. I've been doing great lately. Feeling happy and content in my life. But this week has been hard with this anxious feeling. It only lasts a few minutes, I feel a lot of different emotions sometimes, but nervous is the most frequent. What the hell?!

 Also the most frequent is my mind going straight to my father. My anger with him. it is.....affecting my life, and THAT is why I'm angry. I'm not sure how it all fits in together, but it just does. I'm wanting it to go away....I'm wanting my anger with him to go away and I want to stop worrying about the future and how we might not speak to each other again.

 I can only hope writing about this can help in some way. I feel really angry tonight, and I'm not even sure specifically what about. Just angry about him in general. Why? Maybe it would do me some good to actually talk to a professional. Just to get my thoughts out and have some feedback about these feelings. That right there....just typing that makes me feel frustrated. I told Nick YEARS ago, that one day my father would put me in therapy. Sigh......

 So I'm off for bed. I'm going to breath and think about all the amazing positive things I have in my life. I am truly a lucky girl to have such great loving kids, a husband that would do anything for me, family that loves me unconditionally, and friends that are always there for me. These things will always bring a smile to my face and a calming to the anxious feelings I have been getting.

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