As many of you know, I have a father that is an alcoholic. I have written several times about him and about my experiences with him. How I've been affected as his daughter.
I kind of stumbled upon a blog I wrote over a year ago, and felt the need to write an update on my situation.
I want to sit here and say my father is now sober. He SAYS he is and has been for some time now, but I've heard that so many times that it's hard to believe. I've pushed him so far out of my life that I don't ever talk to him on the phone or email him. He randomly texts me and depending on what it says, I might text back. He also randomly posts things on my facebook, that again....depending on what it says, I might comment back.
My reasoning for this is so simple. I can't trust him. I don't for a second believe that he is sober. I never have. If by some crazy chance he IS fully sober, then I wish him the best of luck.
My grandfather passed away not too long ago and I knew my father was crushed. I did speak to my father on the phone when this happened......but I haven't since then.
As far as my anxiety goes, I'm doing so much better. I do still have some bumps in the road on occasion, but I've learned to breathe, and remember that I'm an adult. I'm a woman who makes her own decisions, and I don't have to allow him to create any negativity in my life again. As silly as it may sound to you, it took me a long time to learn this. It took a lot of bad days, many tears, and lots of venting to loved ones.....to learn.
I think I will always struggle with some sort of anxiety, but it wont hold me back, or control me.
There are times that I miss my father. Which to me is extremely confusing. About 95% of my memories with him are sad, or negative in some way. But I still miss him. I wonder if I will ever see him again? Will I ever know HIM?
I've had such an amazing support system. My husband who has listened to me cry, and hyperventilate and yell from anger. He has never pushed me away, or made my thoughts small in any way. He's validated me every step of the way. My mom, who has been my rock....even from so far away. A phone call with me saying ridiculous things, crying, being completely silent or repeating myself.....and she still listened. She still picks up the phone, knowing I might be having a bad day with anxiety, and she never wavers. She is always strong on my side. She has always made sure I know that she loves me. And last but not least, my mother in law. She has sat outside with me listening to me and my crazy thoughts, my made up fantasies, and she understands me. She gets it. She has looked at me in my eyes, listening to every word I say, and never making me feel like I'm crazy.
These three people have truly been here for me. Through everything. Every time I have a bad day, or I get a text that brings me back to square one, they are there.....ready to help me stand back up.
For that.....I will always be grateful.