Saturday, July 6, 2013

Where do we go from here?

Many of you know that I am a mom of 4. All 4 of them are my little loves, that I completely treasure. One of them, however, is not biologically mine. It stings when I say that. I FEEL like he is biologically mine.

If you don't know, I will fill you in. I met my husband when I was 18, and he had already had a 3 year old son, from a previous marriage. The biological mother took off and started a new life without this 3 year old boy. Never showing any concern. Never calling. Nothing. So I became his mom.

It broke my heart to see a boy without a mother. Who does that anyway? How can you have a child and LEAVE? I will always wonder. I ended up getting a sweet little family, so her loss is my gain.

I have done everything for my son. I didn't ever act like a step mom. I AM mom. I've been mom for 10 years now.

I have taken him to every doctors appointment, built forts and lego castles with him, fixed broken toys, and kissed owies. Taught him how to read, write, and SPEAK. I've been his lifeguard, and his chauffeur, his listening ear, and his trusted friend.

I've planned every birthday party, held his hand when he was sad, given him the supportive talks, and the disappointed talks that he needed. I've gone to every teacher meeting, and class concert. I've pushed him when I believed in him, and lifted him up when he was down.

I've grounded, and accepted him. He is my son, and that can never change.

He has seen his mother every summer for a few weeks, which absolutely tore me apart. Ask my husband.....he will tell you about me crying at night, and begging to call him daily. It was really hard for me to let MY son, go to this woman, who never cared, or showed him any attention, every single summer. But I had no choice. 

Here we are now, in Redding, about a mile away from where his bio mother lives now. Small world isn't it? So summer has changed a bit. When we first moved here, he would go to her house for a week, and then come home for a week, during summer. It was still hard for me (we went through a lot as mom and son when he was seeing her so regularly), but much easier than when he'd fly here for several weeks.

Almost a year ago, some stuff happened with his mother, that I won't totally get into, but I will say, it was not ok for my son to go to her home any longer. I won't let it happen.

He understands and will even tell you he doesn't have any desire to see her right now. She has lost his trust, and the small amount that we had for her as well.

She hasn't seen him since last October, and hasn't spoken to him since last January.

My heart breaks for him though. I know he is angry with her, and he doesn't WANT to speak to her. But I also know he would still appreciate if she would call just to SHOW that she cares.

It won't happen. It never has, and that isn't about to change now.

The problem here, is that she didn't raise Nicholas. I did. So the feeling that I have for him, is very different than what she feels for him. I imagine she must feel like he is more of a cousin or something? I don't know.

All I know is it is hard for him, and I hate that. I am glad she is staying away from our life, but at the same time, I wish she'd call to even check on him, so he wouldn't feel abandoned yet again by her. I know he sees me as mom. He always has, but he KNOWS that she is his birth mother, and he becomes more disappointed with her with each passing day, and month, with no call.

He has learned a lot since we moved here. He knows where she stands now, and the kind of person she is, but that doesn't mean its any easier.

I sometimes wonder.....where do we go from here?

I will always be his mom, but no matter how much love he gets from me as a mom, and the rest of our family, I'm sure there will always be questions......I hear them a lot.

I am sure there will always be a feeling of disappointment with her.

What's hard, is I can't fix it. I'm not sure if it can ever be fixed.

All I know is, I am here. I will always be here, standing by his side, walking with him through his life, and loving him.

That's all a mom can do.


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